Merry Christmas Eve.
I toasted myself by the roaring fire as I hoisted my glass of merlot in a solo tribute to holiday cheer.
I glanced at the clock on the mantle. 6:19 PM. My two-year-old black lab, Colby, nestled himself further into my lap, forgetting as always that he weighed ninety-nine pounds and was far from a cuddle dog.
My teenage son was at his mom's house in Virginia for the next week, and it was just me and Colby until New Year's Day.
This is precisely why adult dating sites were invented, for times like these.
I clicked on the laptop and began to click on the menu choices. Let's see...ages 45 to 54, within a twenty-five mile radius of my zip code. Oh, and only those profiles that are currently online, of course. That was my favorite feature of this particular web site. You could see which curious women were simultaneously online with you.
And on Christmas Eve, let's face it, the chances were fairly good that those peeking back at me were similarly alone and, if the fates allow, horny.
I was on my third page of profiles when the first instant message came across the screen. That didn't take long, I mused, glancing at my watch. Less than ten minutes for the first communication. This was the best $39.99 per month I ever invested, I thought to myself for the umpteenth time.
The profile name, which shall remain anonymous for purposes of this saga, was enticing enough in and of itself itself. I recognized it from one of the profiles I had just perused.
A light-skinned, green-eyed African-American nurse from Norristown whose prose said something about knowing just how to prescribe treatments. She certainly had the brick house body to back up that pseudo-medical pronouncement, especially a set of tits that she wasn't shy to emphasize on her photos.
I confess to having closely scrutinized her assets on my initial browsing, but declined to say hello under the premise that half of the brothers in Montgomery County had probably sniffed after this mocha MILF. Besides, I had a time-tested theory, which albeit was a little short-sighted at times, that the best way of enhancing your chances for a "match" (i.e. 'spontaneous fuck') was letting the woman initiate the contact.
That was my second favorite feature of this gold mine of a mating site. You could instantly see who had viewed your own profile. It was simplistically genius cyber voyeurism, early twenty-first century style.
And so I read her IM, a happy holiday greeting if ever there was one.
"Merry Christmas Eve, handsome. I saw you peeking at me, naughty boy."
There IS a Santa Claus, I thought, as Colby nestled his nose under my arm, vying for my attention. I typed my reply.
"Guilty as charged, gorgeous. And we're practically neighbors, too. We should go caroling together. Or something." Her address was the next town down, no more than ten minutes away.
She got right to the heart of the matter in her next message. Anyone who tells you that race isn't a deal-breaking topic to most is either naive or lives in Iowa. Which is sort of redundant.
"And here I thought you passed me by because I'm black. If so, your loss, sugar."
I took the bait and decided to raise the ante. If you've read some of my other stories, you'd know that race wasn't an issue for me when it comes to good-lookin' women. As a wise man once said, "They're all pink in there somewhere." Not exactly classy, yet not inaccurate, either.
I hit the keyboard. "Wait. You're black!?!? I hadn't even gotten above those beautiful tits yet to notice. Wow, you're right, you ARE black! Even better!"
I held my breath as I waited for her response, hoping that my brazenness didn't scare her away already. If I learned one thing about these electronic back-and-forth banters, it's better to find out right away if you're dealing with a player.
She was a player.
"LOL! Handsome and witty. And you have good taste, too. My name is Evette, by the way. Friends call me Eve. Let's chat."
And so we did, carrying on a prolonged IM that escalated in flirtatiousness with every blip on the screen. Eve was an empty-nester, having two daughters. One was twenty-five and had just had Eve's first grandchild, and the other in college who was spending Christmas Eve at her boyfriend's family's house. So, Eve let it be known that she had no plans for this frigid holy night until around 10 AM the next morning, when her daughters would come to visit on Christmas morning.
That sounded like an invitation of sorts to me, as well as an opportunity. So, I asked. What the hell? That's what Internet sites were for on Christmas Eve, right?
"Well, Eve, since you're so close, why don't you come over and we can give each other a present or two?"
"Well, Johnnie, what did you have in mind? Do you have any stocking stuffers for me?"
"I think I can scrape up something that will fit just right, Eve. Depends what type of stockings you have. Do tell."
There was a delay that was longer than usual. Eve typed a lot faster than I did, so I was a bit apprehensive when I didn't get a reply for about two long minutes. Every other response came almost instantaneously.