I pulled my beat up 10 year old green truck (jokingly nicknamed the Ugly Truckling by a friend) behind Claudia's almost as beat up blue Honda, turning off the engine and removing the faceplate from the CD player. Since the move a few months ago Claudia and I's cars had been broken into twice so I didn't leave anything in the car that would invite yet another broken window and more lost property. I grabbed my duffel bag full of dirty clothes and toiletries, locked the truck and headed toward the house, mentally replaying the last few days with my dad. While he'd been not feeling well and was a bit grumpy as a result of that, we'd had some good times, eating comfort food at local diners that he liked (and I tolerated) and checking out the latest brainless blockbuster movies at the multiplex. Dad was pretty bummed when I said I was going to be leaving a day early but he understood my need for some time to myself and with Claudia before I went back to work.
As I slipped my key into the lock of the front door, my ears picked up an unfamiliar sound: booming hip hop coming from somewhere in the house. That was a little weird as Claudia favored mellow pop at quieter volumes and I had no hip hop in my collection. I opened the door, set my bag down and walked into the kitchen, not bothering to yell a greeting because of the overloud music. As I strode into the kitchen I heard, above the brain-rattling bass, what sounded like really loud moaning, like the over the top kind women do in pornos that I've always assumed was 90% fake.
Welcome to the 10% that is not fake and Claudia was doing it on the couch in the family room. With a really big black man behind her who I'd never seen before. Totally at a loss for words or knowledge of what to do in this unlikely, unexpected situation, I turned around and exited our house, flying down the stairs like a man escaping a burning building. What. The. Fuck.
Claudia had always, to my knowledge, been totally faithful. A year ago, in a regrettable fit of guilt-ridden honesty, I admitted that I had, on two occasions, fucked around. A couple of drunken one night stands with co-workers that meant absolutely nothing except that I was tired of being sexually ignored by Claudia and took matters into my own hands. It actually would have been better if I had taken matters into my own hands and just jacked off because Claudia was totally wrecked, barely eating for a week and crying off and on for just as long. I began to wish I'd never mentioned it.
But eventually we returned to an almost normal routine of life, enjoying sex a few nights a week and often more frequently on weekends. Claudia indulged my desire to see her play with big dildos, cut her curly, dirty blonde hair shorter (which in turn accentuated her adorable face), and let herself gain a little weight. She was by no means fat but her butt and belly swelled a bit, as did her boobs, once totally adequate C-cups and now delightfully heavy D-cup beauties.
I quit bitching about my cock (six to seven inches, depending on where I measured from and fairly thick, but not monstrous by any means) because Claudia said it was more than enough and kind of a turnoff to hear me complain about it so frequently. I avoided junk food and jogged more frequently and almost entirely eliminated my beer gut. Unlike me, Claudia didn't really dig the extra weight. I even let my prematurely graying (hell, I'm only 29) hair grow a little longer than I liked because Claudia found my preferred buzz cut unappealing.
I know these are all superficial things so I should mention that we'd done some successful couples counseling, took some fun trips that she'd been wanting to take for years and always tried to check in with each other on a weekly basis to make sure everything was OK. All signs indicated that we'd gotten through our rough patch and were comfortably settled into a prolonged period of smooth sailing.
So, the big question in my mind then was, why was there a well-muscled black man on the couch in our family room (doggy style) fucking the hell out of my long term girlfriend while obnoxious hip hop blared in the background? The only logical answer I could come up with was that she wasn't expecting me to be home on Tuesday.