They say confession is good for the soul. Well, i have a lot to confess but have no one to talk with, so, I do it anonymously here.
I was a virgin when I met the man who would eventually be my husband. He took my virginity on our 5th date. Up to that time, it was the most horrible experience of my life. It was consensual, but what happened during the act was a nightmare. After he broke through the hymen, he saw the blood and ran cursing from the room, leaving me alone, exposed and bleeding. After several minutes, he came back and demanded I get dressed and leave. He immediately gathered the sheets and put them in the wash. I had never been treated so badly before. I spent the next two hours shaking uncontrollably. When he called the next day, I was so relieved to hear from him, that I consented to go out with him again.
Four years and two children later, he became abusive, and demanded crazy things from me. I endured his insane, controlling behavior for years. He even violently raped me once. I often wondered what it would be like to be touched by a man who was not abusive.
In 1997, we bought our first computer. I remember sitting down at it, anxious to take my first ride on the information superhighway. It was love at first click! I loved exploring the web and making new friends via websites. One day, i clicked on a site, just to see what it was like. I was surprised that married people had ads on there. On a whim, I put up an ad. I was astonished by the number of responses. Between the penpal ad and the personal ad, I met and had sexual relations with 15 different men. I ended up having long term relationships with two men, only stopping the sex nine years ago when I became a full time caregiver to a family member. I am still friends with both men and one is a very dear friend.
