As she gazed out of the suite's balcony door and peered into the starless night sky, Renee felt like a tortured prisoner within her own mind. An amalgamation of feelings, events and thoughts swirled around like a destructive tornado in her head, destroying any semblance of peace or calmness within her.
It was almost midnight when she slipped out of bed, never having slept a single moment after trying for hours. The heaviness in her chest was far too oppressive to even consider resting. She inhaled, closed her heavy eyelids, released a fragile breath and tried to reason with herself. Something had to give.
She couldn't keep this up if she was going to face her past tomorrow. Barrett hadn't come all this way with her just for her to have a panic attack and flake.
Among the contents of her luggage were several self-help books that she had gone over a million times. Before Barrett, it was the only thing that kept her level headed and able to rebound from moments like these.
Quietly she maneuvered her way around the room, pitch-black save for the faint beam of moonlight that ran across the carpet, and found her bag.
Her fingertips clasped the latches but before she opened it, she glanced over her shoulder. Barrett was still sleeping peacefully with his loud, opened-mouth snore that she found endearing.
She sorted through the half-dozen books and other items before retrieving a thick, hard-cover book with the words 1 Day at a Time on the front in bold black letters.
She left the bedroom and closed the door behind her. The living room area had a small sofa and loveseat, television and desk/chair. She turned the end table light on, curled up on the edge of the sofa and cracked the book open to a pre-marked chapter. It was Renee's go-to for so long that the once-smooth pages were now crumpled and folded; thank God she was still able to read it.
Word for word she read, followed the suggestions and took her time thinking about it until she condensed her emotions down to four:
Apprehension, fear, confusion and anger.
The next step was to think about why exactly she felt that way.
Both apprehension and fear had consumed her for more than a year, only dissipating once she became comfortable in Quentin. But the moment she and Barrett landed at Detroit International Airport, the terrible twosome came back with a vengeance.
The truth was she had no idea what she was stepping back into -- and because of that, she was second-guessing herself about going through with it. The whole reason she left six months ago after a year of trying to salvage a hopeless situation stemmed from her fear of Terrell's unpredictability. Lord knows how bad things had gotten since she left.
Recounting the events that made up the 26 years of her life had left her either confused or furious. It's often said that you're never given more than you can handle but apparently that didn't apply to Renee.
The loss of her parents at ten had been a crushing blow to the young girl's perception of the world as she knew it. It took her years to pacify herself into believing that she could still carry on without them -- hell, most days, the only reason she got dressed and out of bed was the belief that somehow, someway, her parents could see their baby girl.
Even if they weren't here in the flesh to guide her through her younger years and beyond, she still wanted to make them proud. She thought she'd done that by finishing high school and being accepted into a prominent college.
She thought she'd done that by learning to let go of past ills. She thought she'd done that when she met Terrell, fell head over heels in love and almost became his wife. All she ever did was try to be a good person, follow a morally straight and narrow path.
It angered her to know that not only had she lost her parents but she'd fallen victim to a man she thought could do no harm to her. Was it just the way things were supposed to go? That didn't settle well within her heart. She couldn't understand purposely being exposed to an unbearable amount of heartache and pain for seemingly no reason.
If she had one, she'd at least try to learn to get over it like everything else. Why? Why had she suffered so much; lost her family, only man she ever loved and life as she knew it? What was the purpose?
Though the book helped her sort her thoughts, it did little to make her feel better. Renee pulled her legs to her chest, rested her head against her knees and sobbed quietly, her wet tears streaking down her dry brown skin.
She rocked back and forth, tried to find some kind of solace and comfort. Nothing worked. The sound of her muffled tears stopped when she heard the bedroom door open quietly and looked up.
Barrett, disheveled and sleepy, yawned and stretched his arms above his head. He smiled at her for a moment but when his eyes focused, it turned into a worried frown. He walked over to the couch, took a seat next to her and stroked her clothed back lovingly to soothe her.
"Shhh," he said. "It's alright. It's gonna be alright." He kissed her damp cheek tenderly and wiped the moisture away.
When she calmed down enough to stop crying, her gaze lifted and she looked at him with remorse. "Did I wake you?" she croaked. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head dismissively and pressed his lips against her forehead.
"Leaned over and noticed you weren't there. I could feel you tossin' and turnin' but I didn't know you got up. And listen, darlin'. I don't care if it's 3 a.m. and I haven't gotten a second of sleep. If you need me, let me know. Renee."
She looked away from him but he took hold of her chin and penetrated her with those beautiful blue-green irises.
"If you need me, I'm here for you. Remember that."
She nodded and sighed, gave a sad smile. "I will."
He glanced at the alarm clock on the desk then looked her over. "You haven't slept at all, have you?"
Renee shook her head.
"You need to get outta these clothes, take a hot bubble bath and drink some tea," he insisted. "You haven't relaxed since last night. I'll go run it for you and see if I can't find some tea around here to make."
He kissed her forehead and disappeared into the adjacent bathroom.
That sudden rush of heat and comfort passed through her as she watched him leave. Even with the uncertainty she felt from their blossoming bouquet of romance, she believed him when he said that no matter what, he would be there for her. And while she didn't know to what extent Barrett cared for her, the fact that he did at all meant more than he would ever know.
Barrett leaned against the doorframe and smiled, pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. "Ready for you."
Renee looked him over from head to toe. His black tresses were tousled from a serious case of bed head. He would have been in the nude were it not for the pair of boxers he wore, but his tanned skin was still exposed for her to enjoy. He ran his tongue across his full, pink lips absent-mindedly and sent her hormones into a pleasure-induced tizzy. She felt like a nutcase. Who goes from crying one second to drooling over a man the next?
He must have noticed her change of mood. His bashful smirk almost made her melt and he walked a few steps in front of her, held out his hand.
