The weeks after James' funeral were a blur. Toni existed only to take care of Jamie but took very little care of herself. Her parents moved into the house with her to help her care for Jamie and to care for her. James' parents came to stay with her every other week so that her parents could go home and take care of things there. Toni barely ate and when she did it was because no one would leave her alone until she did, when she slept, she dreamt of James and of all the things that they had never gotten to do together. The only time she smiled is when she was holding Jamie. He missed James too, Toni could tell as he walked on his stubby little legs from room to room calling for papa. Those were the times when it was the hardest, when she missed James so badly that it took her breath away. That and at night, she had started sleeping in their bed a week ago. The first few nights her mother slept with her to comfort her just as she did when Toni was a little girl when she was sick or frightened.
The first night that she was alone in the bed Toni fell apart. She wanted James back, she prayed to god for a miracle then she was consumed by anger.
"You promised me! She cried into his pillow, "you fucking promised me a life time and you lied! You made me love you and then you left me and Jamie alone. God James, I miss you!"
She spent the first night alternately praying, being angry and sometimes hating him. The videos on top of the cabinet were forgotten until her father found them.
"Sweetheart, maybe you should look at these. It might help." he said gently.
She didn't want to because if she did, then she would expect James to walk through the door with his usual "Hi Sweetness!"
"Daddy, I can't. I'm not ready yet."
Her father hugged her and let the subject drop.
Toni still hadn't packed up James' clothes although she knew that she needed to. But to her if she packed them up it was like admitting that he wasn't coming back. Her brain knew that he wasn't but her heart wasn't convinced.
"Toni," her mother said one day, "sweetheart, it's time to start packing away his things."
"I can't! I just can't! "Toni said.
"I know baby, it's hard but you won't start to heal until ...."
"What if I don't want to heal? What if I want to keep believing that he'll come back to me?" Toni asked as tears ran down her face.
"Baby, I know that you love him and god only knows how much he loved you and that little boy but he's not coming back and no amount of wishing is going to change that."
"When will I stop missing him so much?" Toni asked crying.
"I can't answer that but let me tell you what I think." Her mother said. "I believe that even though he's not physically here, he's with you and sweetheart, he would want you to take care of yourself and start to heal."
Toni sat crying in her mother's arms for a long time, she still wasn't ready.
Three months later
Toni still had a hard time accepting the fact that James was gone, every time she opened the closet and saw his clothes still hanging there her heart gave a little leap and then sank. It was time.
Both sets of parents were with her as she began to pack James's things up to take to the homeless shelters and the Salvation Army. It was a tearful time for all of them but they managed. When they were finished the closet looked bare with just her things in it, it looked as if James had never existed.
She emptied the dressers alone not wanting their parents to see the semi kinky underwear that James bought to make her laugh. She held up the fluorescent orange ones and in spite of herself, smiled at the memory of him parading around in them. He was such a goof she thought as she folded the underwear and put them in a box. It took her several hours to pack everything because she stopped and had a memory of every item, tears came when she remembered that there would be no more memories she only had the ones that they had made.
The nights were still hard and she still cried for him missing the way he always held her even as they slept and making love with him in the morning before they went to work. There was one night when things were particularly hard and Toni didn't know why but on the night she swore that she would never love anyone again, it simply hurt too much to lose them.
****
Mason kept his distance from Toni, he still hadn't decided on the best approach. Of all the people that he had ever helped, Toni would be the most important. He had managed to find out where she lived and watched the house at night grateful to see that she was never alone and if she was it wasn't for very long. He caught a few glimpses of Jamie and Toni together, that they loved each other was obvious, the child would give her something positive to focus on instead of her grief at least that was her hope.
He could see by her body language that she was hurting but there was nothing that he could do except watch her from afar, it was much too soon for anything else. As he vanished from where he stood he wondered where she worked and if they had a psychiatric floor. He hadn't worked in a hospital for years and it can't have changed that much. The second question was what shift she worked. He suspected days which would make him getting a job there counterproductive. He would give her some more time he decided.
****
Toni looked at the box on top of the cabinet and rubbed her sweaty hands on her jeans. Six months had gone by since James died and it really wasn't getting easier unless not crying as much counted. She took a deep breath, took the box down and sat it on the couch. She sat staring at it for more than an hour before she took out the disc that she had started to watch before but couldn't. She looked at the date and frowned, it was dated for the day that she first went back to work, about six months after Jamie was born. She looked through the entire box of discs noting the dates; it was then that she realized that he knew. James knew that he didn't have much time with them, that's why he took the call only position. He wanted to be with them as much as possible. When she thought about it, she realized that she knew too, the unexplained crying after they made love, the clinging to him as they slept and the urge to stay home. They both knew but he accepted it while she denied it.
"James." she whispered and began to cry.
She popped in the first disc and sat on the floor to watch it tears flowed again as soon as she saw his face.
"Hi sweetness! I don't know why but I got this idea to video tape myself talking to you and the little guy. If I haven't said it lately, I love both of you and you two are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You two are the loves of my life."
Toni turned it off, she couldn't watch anymore. She felt like her heart was being ripped through her chest, Jamie's calling for her made her stop her tears. She found him sitting up in the crib and calling for "papa" that was it. She picked Jamie up and sat in the rocker holding him all night while she cried.
Her parents were due in the next day and were planning to stay indefinitely. They closed up the house in Florida after discussing it with her.
"Toni, you need us so we're coming to stay until you kick us out." her mother said. James' parents made the same offer but Toni declined. She had the feeling that James' mother blamed her for James' death although she never said anything directly but it was just a feeling. What his mother didn't know was there wasn't a day that went by that Toni didn't question her.
"What did I miss?" was the question that she asked herself every day. It was that question that kept her from going back to work, not because of the money but because she had enjoyed it. The thought that she could miss something important paralyzed her, she wouldn't take that chance with the life of someone's loved one.
When her parents arrived and were settled in, her mother sat her down.
