Gio wiped at my face and I hadn't realized I was crying. Damn. I didn't want to cry.
"Go on if you want too, if not you can stop," he said.
"No, I want to finish. I've never said any of this out loud. It feels good," I lied.
He nodded and wait for me to continue.
"I couldn't stop crying in the car. I was sobbing by the time we pulled into his apartment complex. I think he might have thought I was crying because I was guilty. In actuality, I knew from the moment I got in the car, that we were over. And that hurt my heart to the point where I felt physical pain. I had to end this relationship for the sake of my sanity. He let me cry my eyes out and was silent while I did so. After I stopped crying, we went upstairs to his place and I decided to just do it. I would feel better after. I tried to talk to him on the way in but he kept ignoring me. I thought maybe he felt it too and he was sad too that we were ending. He walked into the bedroom and I followed. I kept trying to talk to him but nothing was working, he wouldn't turn around and look at me. I wasn't going to break up with his back. I screamed at him to turn around. I think I felt his anger before I saw it because all of sudden, I wanted to get as far from him as possible. I had this internal voice yelling at me saying run. When he turned around, I was scared. He was red in the face and his eyes were stormy blue. He started yelling at me. Screaming at me. Accusing me of cheating and lying and being a whore. He told me that I was probably fucking the whole neighborhood and all these other stupid theories. I understood he was mad so I didn't argue. I wasn't leaving until I was single though. After he stopped insulting me, I figured it was time. I told him I felt smothered. I said that I was done with him. I didn't want to be with someone who controlled me and that it was over no matter what. He grabbed me by the throat and threw me into the wall over and over again."
I paused to compose myself. This was harder than I thought.
"He didn't do anything other than slam me into the wall over and over again, but it was enough to scare me shitless. He screamed at me to go, throwing things at me as I ran out the apartment. I never looked back. I walked down the street crying holding my head. I had a migraine of all migraines, but I was crying because I was relieved. I was finally free! The next day he texted me 12 times and called me 39. Every day he called and texted me begging for me back. Then after I didn't respond, the texts turned scary. He threatened me, made promises to hurt me, and sent me pictures of myself every day and left notes on my car. He finally told me that he was done trying but that it wasn't over. He said that if he couldn't have me, no one would and that he'd rather see me dead, than without him. That day I changed my number and I didn't hear from him again. Life went on. It wasn't easy at first." I bitterly laughed.
"I missed him with such a vengeance that it brought tears to my eyes some days. Some days I couldn't get out bed. Some days I would be fine and then I would see something that reminded me of him and I couldn't think of anything but him. Those days were spent in the dark crying. Some days I would feel happy and the happiness would last for a while. Until the sadness crept back in. Every day I was dealing with a broken heart. I didn't know if I was happy, sad, relieved, or angry. I was everything at once. But eventually the hole in my heart felt a little better day by day. Instead of a throbbing of pain, I was numb. I woke up and I felt indifferent. I was tired of being sad. My friends forgave me. My grades were great. Life was great. I was happy again. Still sad, but happy. And then my world shattered. My parents," my voice cracked.
"You can skip this part," he urged.
But I couldn't, because this was a big part of the story.
I shook my head and cleared my throat. "My parents were murdered. Somebody had killed my parents and I couldn't understand why. I was alone now. Nobody wanted to talk to me. Nobody wanted to help me. But Angel did. I had a fleeting thought that he had them killed to punish me, but wrote it off as foolishness. Anyway. He came to me a few days after and I wanted nothing more but his comfort. He listened while I screamed at night asking God why. He held me while I cried. He comforted me when I couldn't remember if I told them I loved them. He offered me shelter, money, food, a way of living. We never talked about what happened that day, but it didn't matter. I was broken and he was broken and we needed to heal each other. It was a bittersweet reunion. He needed me and I needed somebody. I didn't go to college like planned. I didn't make it like everybody expected. I went into hiding. Not on purpose, but I didn't want to leave the apartment we shared. I didn't want to get out bed. And it seemed that Angel was fine with that. I never seen him happier then when I was available to him 24/7. Eventually, I grew bored, restless and antsy just lying around. I couldn't be a hermit forever. Plus I had ruined my muscle mass by lying in bed for as long as I did and that was motivation. I liked running track and I could always find comfort with the wind in my hair. So I started running again. First around the neighborhood, then around the corner, then I was running around the city. MY favorite path to run was to the library. I started spending a lot of time at there, losing myself in books. I started to reconnect with the world again. Little by little I was getting my humanity back. While I was getting better, things with Angel were getting worse again. Although he would drop me at the library, he would accuse me of cheating. I stopped going altogether and he still wasn't happy. I finally realized he wanted me in the house and only the house. I knew I would end up smothered again, so I decided I would act before then. Just in case. I talked to him about getting a job. Naturally he made it about him. Saying I wanted a job so I could meet men and save money to leave him. I told him to stop being crazy and that was the first time he ever hit me. He smacked me and left me in the room on the floor. I had never felt anything like that before. I was in shock."
I paused to compose myself again. All the emotions from the memories I locked away was seeping up and out the cracks. The guilty feeling from being relieved when he was at work. The sadness from watching my friends standing having fun without me. The shame from ignoring the signs willingly. The humiliation from lying to my parents. The anger from being kept on a rope. The hopefulness from when I got in the car. And finally, the pain. The pain from walking away from my first love. The man I gave my first everything too. The pain of letting somebody inside, and trusting them with all my soul, only to have them hurt me.
"When I realized that he had hit me, I tried to leave but he stopped me. I screamed at him and cried begging him to let me go. I just wanted out. He yelled at me telling me he was sorry and we stayed like that for hours. Me crying on the floor and him holding me. I was drained by the morning and slept the entire day. We pretended like nothing happened the next day. I pretended that my eye wasn't black or that there wasn't bruises across my cheek. I was still pretending that I wasn't that girl. The girl I said I would never be. Things didn't get better. Every time I made a mistake, I was punished. A slap here, a punch there, a kick some times. It never lasted longer than that and he would apologize each time. It took a toll on my mental health and I became depressed. I was in a catatonic state and it showed. I lost weight. My hair fell out. My nails were weak. I didn't eat. I didn't talk. I didn't read. I sat in a chair staring at the wall, or I slept. When we had sex, I laid there and I cried after.
Eventually I went numb and I didn't cry at all. That's when he tried to fix me I think. I think he saw what each time he abused me was doing to me. He tried to shower me in gifts, make love to me, bathe me, read to me, soothe me, and impress me. But it was too late. I was stuck like that. I was just existing. Walking around like a zombie. He started staying out at night. Not coming home for days. I thought it was because I was disgusting to look at and hard to be around. One night he came home and he smelled like another woman's perfume. He didn't even bother to shower before getting in bed. That night I started to feel something. For the first time in months, I felt something. I felt hurt. I hurt thinking about him and another woman. When he left that morning, he left smiling and I cried. He was going to be with her and he was happy to get away from me. I was sad and I was hurting and that made me almost happy. I could feel again! Maybe I was going to be ok. I felt hopeful. I started to help myself. I wanted to be better. I started eating again. I started jogging. I started reading. I was starting to feel like me again. At first, Angel didn't notice. Whoever this woman was, she had his attention. That became fine with me. I felt so good. Better than I had in months. My hair was healthy. I was gaining weight. My nails were growing. My skin was even glowing again. I knew I had to leave him. This time it didn't hurt. I was happy. I knew he would be with that woman again for a couple of days so I had a head start. I was so ecstatic. I packed quickly, only taking the necessities and plotted. I was going to run. I was going to go to Georgia and live with a friend. But he came home instead of staying out that night."
