What can I say to you all that have been waiting for so long??? Is there any type of condolence I can give to make it right? That's highly doubtful. I feel like crap, and I'm actually quite angry. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at my computer...and by God, I'm angry with Ryan Lewis.
I'm angry with myself for downloading a bad version of Firefox, which caused me to lose all of my previous work on this book and others. I'm mad at my computer for transferring that virus onto my flashdrive and corrupting the only saved version of the Mr. Lewis file. I'm mad at myself for almost giving up and not writing anymore. I don't even know how I refrained from throwing my computer at the wall, but I did.
Why am I angry with Ryan Lewis? The answer is below.
*****
Turn Around
"Back again, Miss Matthews?"
I wasn't sure why Mr. Fox even greeted me with the asinine question that he did. My visits to his office were weekly ever since Ryan and my final break up. Every Friday, at the end of sixth period, I would go to Mr. Fox's office and attempt to persuade him to take me out of Ryan's class. I'd had no luck and I was starting to think Fox wasn't going to crack. It'd been two months of me begging without positive results.
I took my usual seat in my assistant principal's office—the one in front of my favorite candy dish filled with Starbursts.
"Yes, Mr. Fox, I'm afraid I am. You see, I'm still horrifically bored in Ry—I mean...Mr. Lewis's class and he's told me repeatedly that I disrupt his teaching. I would like to benefit both of us—not to mention my class—by being removed from the environment and placed into a study hall."
Mr. Fox folded his hands, an amused look on his face. "And as I've told you, Miss Matthews, there are no more study hall seats left. It's is just too close to the end of the year."
"But I'm sure something can be worked out. There's no reason why a quiet and well-behaved student like me can't be added to an already sparse study hall."
Mr. Fox peered at me through his designer frames. "Is there something else you'd like to talk about, Danica? Not many people request to be transferred out of Mr. Lewis's class. In fact, I find it to be the opposite. Did something happen?"
I busied myself with the candy jar to hide my face. "No need to go all Dumbledore on me... Like I said, I've been through the material. I'm not sure what my parents were thinking by signing me up for the class knowing I already took it."
"They know of your love for history, I'm sure."
I shrugged.
"Look Danica, the year is basically over. From what I understand, your biggest project is out of the way. I usually don't say this but... tune the man out. Doodle, write some poetry; I don't know. But you
will
be in that class until graduation," Mr. Fox said, effectively ending our conversation while standing up. "And I don't want to see you back in my office unless it's to discuss graduation or college plans."
My college plans made me even sicker than going to Ryan's class every day. As another token of their love and support, my parents signed me up for Illinois State University and trashed my hopes of going back to California.
"But ISU is in a different town, Dan," Cori said at my complaint-fest that was known to the general public as lunchtime.
"The neighboring town! And the zoning is so fucked they might as well combine the two and save everyone the trouble of figuring out where the stupid dividing lines are."
"What are you gonna say next? 'This town isn't big enough for the both of us'?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Well, he's the one that said it that way."
Cori placed her hand on my forearm. "I think you both did, but that was so long ago. A lot can change in two months, Dan."
"Not this. There's no coming back from this, Cori. My only hope was to get out of here after graduation, but now I can't even do that."
"Yeah, but you get a nice, shiny new condo!"
"Ugh!" I groaned. "Another bribe! Why is it that people with money think that spending is a Band-Aid for everything?"
"Dan, honey, your parents don't even know you're bleeding."
I had to give her that. No one knew I was "bleeding" besides God and Cori. I thought the breakup would be easier, knowing Ryan didn't want me like I wanted him; but it wasn't. My mind was full of regret and wondering.
What if I had been nicer?
What if I would've told him that I was staying in Bloomington when my parents surprised me in January?
There were so many questions left unanswered; so many choices already made...but Cori was right, all of that was a while ago. None of it could be taken back; although I wanted to retract every word. Ryan told me I hurt his feelings, and if I were being honest, I wanted to at that point. I wanted him to feel a shred of the pain I felt when he broke up with me. All in all, I wanted him to feel bad and take me back; but, when I figured out that wasn't going to happen, I wanted to get away from him. Not for my sake, but his.
I could feel the heat of anger and aggression run off him as we had our final stare down two months ago, and even more than that, I could feel how "done" he was. Ryan said he was out for good, and I believed him. For that reason, I wanted to give him space to get on with his life; but, in that I was also being selfish. I knew moving away would also protect me.
Ryan moving on would entail him forgetting about me and finding a new girlfriend; and although I was okay with him forgetting about me, I had no clue how I would take to him moving on with another girl. The thought of him holding her hand, kissing her...touching her in a sexual manner...penetrating her...
"Dani, what's wrong? You look sick. I told you not to get that taco salad."
"Nothing," I lied. "I'm just not feeling good." I didn't have to lie about that. Thinking about the man you love being with another female would make any girl sick to their stomach.
"See, I knew we shouldn't have gone away for Spring Break! The doctor said 'no', but you just had to do something," Cori ranted, and I half expected her to start waving her index finger at me.
"Can you blame me?" I huffed, rising from my chair. "I'll see you later, okay?" I turned away before Cori could answer.
I spent the rest of the day in a funk—even more so when I had to go to Ryan's class. It's not like I had to talk to the man or anything, but being around him was still...unsettling. I sighed as my hand rested on the door handle.
There was a time when I would be eager to get to Ryan's class. I would anticipate our interactions in school and out.
A smile spread across my face as I remembered how we would meet at the coffee shop in Barnes and Noble and I would sip on a caramel mocha while he scribbled on my papers with red ink. Occasionally, he would wiggle the pen, look up at me, and wink. My heart would flutter in my chest, and I'd try to hide it, of course. Those were the simple days—the days I missed almost more than anything.
Above all, I missed being the girl in Ryan's life. I craved for more of our late night talks, watching the history channel, eating Chinese take out on his living room floor...we barely had any time together at all.
"We were finished before we even started," I said, wiping a tear from my cheek.
"Danica?"
I cringed. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked, wiping another tear from my face.
"Not long." Ryan tried to sound innocent, but I knew he was lying. "Were you planning on coming to my class today?"
"Not really," I lied. "I was more so internally debating the issue."
"Well, if it helps, today isn't one of your normal skip days."
That brought me up short. I was almost ninety percent sure Ryan didn't notice or even care when I skipped class.
Maybe he did want me...
No
. No...I had to nip those thoughts in the bud. He made it clear the last time we spoke that he had no desire to be with me. I could not allow myself to hope or dare to dream...I'd fall right back in the same rut.
"I'd also like to point out that class is not its usual format today. You'd probably want to come."
I cocked my head to the side. "Why do you always do that?"
