'Christmas is a time for togetherness and compassion. It's not a time to be on your own, not if you have a choice.' That was what my wife Julie had written in her letter to me, and I couldn't disagree; which made it even more of a kick in the guts that this Christmas she was going to be over 3,000 miles away, in fucking Afghanistan.
I didn't agree with British involvement in the Afghan conflict, and deep down I could tell Jules didn't either. But she'd joined the Territorial Army over ten years earlier, and didn't feel able to criticise the government's policy, even as the body count rose above 200, then 250. To be honest we had a couple of huge rows over it before we reached a sort of truce, under which I muttered under my breath every time the subject came up on the TV news and Julie pretended she hadn't heard me.
The Territorials used to be treated as a bit of a joke, seen as civilians playing at soldiers, called 'weekend warriors' by the regular army. Well not any more, not since thousands of them had been pulled out of their civvie jobs and posted to Iraq and Afghanistan, and started to join the ranks of the dead. When she's not being a marketing manager for a top fashion catalogue chain Julie's a lieutenant in the communications corps, but even so I kept telling myself it wouldn't happen to her, not my Julie, she wouldn't get ordered out there. Then she was. The day her brigade paraded before flying off she looked so proud, but I could barely see her for the tears clouding my eyes, prompted by a confused mix of my own pride for her, naked fear for her safety, and boiling fury that fucking idiot politicians were putting her life at risk.
I didn't sleep properly for nearly a week after she left, until I finally collapsed into bed in exhaustion and missed my shift at work the next morning. Jules and I were both 33 and had barely spent more than a week apart since we were 14, since I'd smuggled her the answers in a school science test. I joined the local Afghanistan families support group, one of only two men there, and, like all the others, within weeks I was an expert on every aspect of the conflict, Afghan geography, troop deployments, the leading generals and politicians on the allies' side, the most notorious Taliban commanders....
I cried again when Julie came home, and I shed more tears, of sheer bloody frustration, when she told me she was going back for another tour. She spent most of the first two days home sleeping; she'd lost weight and deep dark shadows had formed under her eyes. Like her chestnut hair and her complexion, they had lost their usual glow and just looked dull and faded. I tried to get her to talk about what she'd been through, but she only commented in very general terms, and I knew there were things she'd seen that she wasn't telling me. It seemed as though a gap had formed between us, one I just couldn't bridge. When she left this time I didn't expect to see her again until around Valentines' Day, but she was back after just a few weeks, in October, on compassionate leave to attend her father's funeral, following a massive heart attack.
Which brings me back to where I started, with that bloody letter. After the line about being on your own at Christmas Julie continued, 'I know you'll be on your own this Christmas Steve, and so will Mum. Please don't be angry at me, but I told her you'd suggested to me that you go round to have Christmas lunch with her. As you know, I'm all she's got, and with Dad passing so recently and me away Christmas is going to hit her so hard. I know you and Mum aren't close, but you've always had such a generous heart, babes, that I know you won't mind doing this for her, and for me. It'll do you good not to be moping around on your own on the big day too, and she does make a smashing Christmas lunch!"
Jesus Christ, at that moment I was so pissed off I nearly screwed the letter into a ball and hurled it into the bin. I couldn't believe Julie had done that to me. To say her mother and I weren't close was, frankly, taking the piss. Julie's dad, Ted, had been a nice bloke, very easygoing, but Ruth, her bitch of a mother, had never liked me, always thought I wasn't good enough for her little princess. The only time I'd even spoken to her since Jules was deployed overseas was an embarrassed grunted condolence at her husband's funeral, and in my entire life I'd never spent any time alone with her.
It was true I wouldn't have any company at Christmas. With my folks away on their annual Caribbean cruise, and my sister long since emigrated to New Zealand, I'd planned to spend a quiet day watching old movies on DVD, then I'd volunteered to work on Boxing Day. I'm a Building Services supervisor with the council, which meant an exciting day of organising emergency call-outs to tenants whose water pipes had burst, or whose toilets were blocked, that sort of thing. Still, it gave my colleagues an extra day with their families, and the double pay wouldn't do any harm either. The last thing I needed was to spend Christmas Day with the mother-in-law. But what could I do? My bloody wife had committed me, and I could hardly tell the still grieving widows her daughter had lied to her and I had no intention of wasting a day on her. So, gritting my teeth I phoned Ruth, did my best to make a bit of pleasant small talk, and we agreed I'd go round to hers for lunch at one o'clock on the day.
That Christmas morning was one of the most miserable of my life. I spent a pleasant 20 minutes talking on the phone to my sister and my seven-year old niece, but after that, to the background of a carol concert on the radio, I got thoroughly depressed sitting opening my presents from them, my absent wife and my absent parents. And all the while of course, at the back of my mind, like the shadow of a noose hanging over me, was the thought of that bloody lunch with Ruth.
Anyhow, I dressed in a nice suit and took a taxi over there in good time, feeling a mixture of resentment and nervousness. Ruth surprised me when she opened the door by going up on tiptoe and giving me a welcome kiss on the cheek – she's the same height as Jules, five-four, whereas I'm six-two. She caught a whiff of my aftershave and her first words to me were "Mm, you smell nice Steve." Then she stepped back, looked me up and down and said, "And you look so smart. Julie's very lucky to have you." As she said that she rested a hand lightly on my chest, just for a moment. I was too gobsmacked to respond!
Ruth led me into the sitting room and we sat for a few minutes chatting and sipping sweet sherry before she headed towards the kitchen, from which the most wonderful aromas were emerging. On her way she knelt by her small artificial Christmas tree and picked up a package, brightly wrapped in Rudolph and Santa paper, which she handed to me. "You can open this while I'm serving up Steve. Merry Christmas." Inside was an electronic personal organiser, a quality one, in a tooled leather case. I was a bit overwhelmed by it - it made the box of chocolates and bunch of flowers I'd given her look pretty limp by comparison. When she came back in to call me into the dining room I gave her a big hug of gratitude, feeling my face flush in embarrassment as I did so.
The meal was superb. Julie's not much good in the kitchen but her mum's a real dab hand, and the turkey was cooked to perfection, as were the mountain of stuffing, sprouts, potatoes (roasted and mashed)...We washed it all down with a nice bottle of sparkling German white wine. As we ate we talked about past Christmases each of us remembered, me as a kid, her with her parents then later, when Jules was a toddler. In almost twenty years of knowing Ruth I'd never had a real conversation with her. Maybe it was the combined effect of losing her husband and seeing her daughter ship out to Afghanistan, but she seemed very different to the pursed-lipped, hostile, condescending old bag I'd always seen her as in the past. For a woman of 62 she'd kept her looks well too: her short brown hair had a few streaks of grey but her face was fairly free of lines and she still had quite a trim figure. I'd never really looked at Ruth's face – I'd spent most of the time avoiding eye contact with her – but I could see that Julie had her mother's big green eyes and her wide mouth.
Much to my surprise I really enjoyed the lunch and the chat then, after forcing down a piece of delicious home-made Christmas pudding, I staggered back into the lounge. Ruth said she'd be through in a minute with some coffee. Next thing I knew, I was jerked awake by the strains of the national anthem from the TV at the end of the Queen's speech! I mumbled an apology and Ruth chuckled and replied, almost tenderly, "That's all right love, Ted used to do the same thing, every year."