Friday night, a few weeks ago, I'm out drinking in town with my girlfriend. She has a hot little dress on, generating buckets of male attention. There's one guy who seems especially smitten. He's sat on his own, a weedy-looking type, maybe about fifty, and he's having many a sneaky lech in her direction. 'Baby, you have a big fan over there,' I tell her, grinning because it's quite funny. Emma is nineteen and gorgeous whereas this guy ... well, c'mon, for fuck's sake. As if.
Emma receives the news with equanimity. My girlfriend knows she has legions of 'fans' in here tonight. With the outfit she's wearing she'd be mortally offended if she didn't. She takes a look at where I'm subtly indicating. 'Who? The little guy in the corner?'
'That's the one.'
She makes a sound somewhere between a giggle and a snort.
He gets up and we see he's extremely short, not quite a dwarf or anything but a real shortcake, five foot nothing, He walks to the bar to get another beer. Correction: 'walks' doesn't quite cover it because his little legs kind of knock together and he has a limp, also lists way over to one side as he moves. Yep, this guy is really Mister Unfortunate. All very precarious, it seems to me, but he does just about manage to get to the bar and back.
Emma looks amused. 'Where's his carer?'
'Dunno, babe. But he's definitely checking you out. Doing it again now.'
She lights a cigarette and laughs. 'Is he?' She's in her element being lusted over by strangers. If steamy looks could kill, Em would have been long dead.
'Can't seem to take his eyes off your legs.'
Em angles towards her admirer. She slowly crosses and re-crosses her legs, lets her dress ride up an inch or so further, showing a little more of her luscious thighs. The guy drools at the sight, then looks quickly away, stares into his glass, embarrassed as he realises Em is watching him.
She turns back to me, grinning. 'Well he can always look, Mark, can't he?'
'Yeah, at what he can't have. Must be great.'
She sniggers slightly, changes the subject, and we chat for a while. I'm feeling horny. The gimp in the corner isn't the only one thinking dirty thoughts about Emma, believe me. She's looking good enough to eat tonight and I want to be doing precisely that. I interrupt what she's saying (it's something about getting a new car) to tell her this, tell her how drop-dead, fucking gorgeous she is. It's perhaps the millionth time I've said it in the six months we've been going out. She can't suppress a smug 'yeah, I know' smile.
There's a glint in her eye now. 'Hey, that little guy, you know ...'
'The gimp?'
She nods. 'Him. Is he still eyeing me up?'
Understatement. The guy is transfixed and I tell her so. Emma flicks her hair and does the leg-crossing thing again, slips a shoe and dangles it from her foot, idly scratches an 'itch' on her thigh, just under her dress. 'And now?' she grins.
'He's fucking dribbling,' I chuckle. 'You shouldn't tease the guy, Em. It's not fair. It's mean.'
She smirks. 'Guess he doesn't see much action, huh?'
'Think that's safe to say, Em, yes.'
Emma goes quiet as she finishes her drink. She looks thoughtful. 'You ok, babe?' I enquire.
'Yeah ... I was just thinking.' She has a sly smile on her face.
'Thinking what, babe?'
She leans in and tells me her little plan.
'You bitch, Em. But yeah, sure, why not. We've got your folk's place to ourselves, right?'
'All weekend,' she giggles.
So we go join the guy at his table and introduce ourselves. Mark and Emma. Out for a good time tonight and great to meet him. 'Derek,' he mumbles, confused at first but face now brightening up. He can hardly believe what's happening, me and this delicious young thing hooking up with him. Guy is obviously pretty lonely, used to being ignored and not much else. 'Derek!' I say, smiling and pumping his hand. 'That's a nice name,' coos Emma, sitting herself in close. 'Get you another beer, Derek?' I ask. He nods, has this really grateful expression on his weak, ugly-mug face. 'What about you, Em?' I say, winking at her. Em winks back, a wicked smile playing on her full, pouty lips. 'Yes, another white wine please.'
When I return with the drinks, Em has moved even closer to Derek and she's being all teasy and flirty with him. He's trying manfully not to stare at her legs, I notice, which she's making difficult with how she's sitting. Yeah, she's giving the poor guy quite an eyeful. 'Cheers, Derek!' I say, lifting my glass, and Emma echoes it.
'Ch-Cheers,' Derek stammers. Silly sod is rather overwhelmed by the whole thing.
We sip our drinks and get very cosy and familiar with the guy. Car accident, he tells us, a few years back. Legs messed up but they still just about work. Wife has left him, no kids, no job, lives alone. Takes care of himself, he's determined to stay independent, but it's not easy, he says. It's a real fucking sob story, indeed he does get slightly tearful as he relates it. We commiserate and cheer him up. I call him 'mate' and 'Degsy', stuff like that, and Emma flirts like crazy, making out that she fancies the pants off him. She plays with her hair, smiles into his eyes, has her hand resting lightly on his arm, starts calling him 'sweetie', really gives him the treatment. She teases mercilessly with her legs, flaunting them at the poor guy. Derek tries not to leer but he can't help it. 'It's ok, sweetie, you can look,' smiles Emma, eventually. 'I like dishy older men staring at my legs.' She's a scream, my girlfriend, she really is.