Eirin

Eirin was still awake. She had been awake all night. She was consumed with her conflicting emotions. She was angry at his treatment of her, confused by her own response to him, and guilty because she had given in so easily. She knew what he wanted, she was nothing to him; he was only nice to her to keep her from fighting him again. Lord knows he didn't want to wait another week to have her again. There was no reason she should have participated as much as she did, she should have just let him have his way with her, but she couldn't prevent her body's reaction.

He had a power over her, she had to stop that. She had seen other women who were friendly with the men in the castle, she would find one who she thought would be nice to her, and not put her down. Maybe they would explain some of her feelings and help her figure out how to become more comfortable with her position. But, first, she had to find Maria. There was no way she was going to stay in this castle day in and day out just waiting for when Lord Hawthorn was ready for her to come to his bed again. She would go crazy; surely there was something she could do, preferably outside. With that she snuck out of her room before the lord of the castle could wake up.

Several hours later, Eirin was on her knees in the garden, helping old Joe pull up weeds. He had been happy to take her on and let her help. She reveled in the feel of the sun on her back, and had her sleeves rolled up above her elbows. Melissa had always criticized her for letting her skin become golden, but she didn't care, she couldn't stand to be covered up and out of the sight of the sun. An even better benefit to helping out Joe was the fact that they were tucked into a far corner of the garden where they were less likely to be disturbed. She was still shy around the other members of the castle, and was sure everyone was thinking of her as a whore. She had decided during the night that she would hold her head up high for all to see, but she was finding it easier said than done.

At noon Eirin rolled her sleeves down and checked to make sure that her dress was neat again. This morning when she had met with Maria she had asked for a more concealing dress. Maria had been against it, but finally had given her a larger dress that came up to under her chin. It fell all the way to her feet, and even in the heat she wore heavy woolen stockings under her skirts. It was time for her to go in and find the maid she had decided to speak to about Lord Hawthorn.

Later that afternoon Eirin left the servants' quarters blushing up to her hair. Jane, the servant she had chosen to speak to, had been so kind, and hadn't forced Eirin to be specific in her questions. That hadn't stopped her from being specific with her answers, though. Some of the things she said men would expect of her were just short of horrifying. The things they would expect her to do with her mouth, and even her bottom.

Men wouldn't really expect those sorts of things would they? Silly, Jane was very forthright; you should feel blessed that you were able to get the information you wanted without having to go to lots of people. No sense anyone else knowing what an ignorant ninny you are. Jane was very compassionate, just accept what is expected of you.

In the evening Eirin once again ate in the kitchen. It was becoming difficult, Lori was mean to her, she would make snide remarks, and try to trip her as she walked past. This evening had been even worse, because Lori had dumped salt in her food, and it was inedible. Last week she had bumped her while she was walking to the table, forcing Eirin to drop her food. Of course, last night she hadn't had any dinner at all. Mostly, she had been living on fruit filched from the kitchen when the cook wasn't looking. So far the cook had always been nice to her, but she knew how possessive cooks could be about the food and supplies they were in charge of.

After dinner, Eirin steeled herself to go back up to Lord Hawthorn's room, wondering if she would be able to actually go through with the things Jane had told her would be expected of her. She was intercepted, however, by Lord Hawthorn himself as he was leaving the dining room.

"Ah, Eirin, I was hoping I would see you again, I was wondering if you would care to join me in the library?" Eirin couldn't imagine why he thought he

wouldn't

see her again; she was, afterall, his. But she followed him to the library. She wasn't sure what he could want in the library, but was grateful for the chance to postpone another evening in his bed.

As they entered the library, Lord Hawthorn went to the decanter and poured himself a glass of brandy. He offered her some, but she declined politely. "I was wondering if you played chess? I don't have anyone to play with, and have missed playing for a while."

Eirin looked at him like he was crazy, but quickly composed her face, and assured him she knew how to play and would be delighted to engage him a game. Lord Hawthorn led her over to the table, and they each took a side, setting their own pieces back to their correct positions.

There was little conversation as they each concentrated on their game. Lord Hawthorn was surprised at her skill. He knew few women who could play, and even fewer who played well. He was beginning to think that she would beat him, and somehow, instead of making him mad, it made him even more drawn to her. She was a mystery, and he was determined to figure her out.

"You play well, Eirin. You've got me on the run here. Do you play chess often?" He figured he'd get more information from her if he was a bit more circumspect about it. He had been fighting his feelings all day. To begin with, he'd been unusually disappointed that she had already left her room by the time he'd awoken. On the other hand, he never let his libido rule him, and knew he had to get a grip on himself. He'd reasserted his oath to keep thinking of her as just a servant, someone for him to use while he wanted her.

He was trying to think of how to bring up her final comment last night. It had kept him up much of the night, trying to understand why she would prefer to be abused than to be given pleasure. He knew she had enjoyed herself in his bed, but she had looked completely let down when she went to her room and he could swear he saw tears in her eyes as she had turned from him.

"I used to play often with my father, but I haven't played for quite some time now. I've always enjoyed playing chess and get caught up in the strategy of the game. My father was a good player, and I worked hard to beat him." Thinking of her father made Eirin sad, but she kept her face composed not wishing him to see the hurt and loneliness her father's passing still caused her.

"I'm surprised you stopped playing with him, there is every chance that had the two of you continued playing, maybe you could have remained closer, and you wouldn't be in this situation now. I've always wondered what comes over girls when they become young ladies that they have nothing more in their head than finding the richest bachelor they can land."

Eirin looked shocked and hurt as she started to sputter, "My father…"

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up; I didn't mean to upset you. I am trying to find a way that the two of us can get along without you shying away from me every time I'm in the same room with you, or running from me when you know I'm coming. I would prefer if you enjoyed lying with me, and even looked forward to it."

Eirin took a swallow, and held her tongue. She remembered now, that when her guardian had dropped her off, he had called her his daughter. It finally dawned on her what had dropped her here with this lord. She shook her head and let it go. She wouldn't share the truth of her situation with this lord. She was already here, and her life was already ruined. She had already accepted her position, she had another six years to go, and then she would have her inheritance and could disappear. She would make it, if she kept repeating that to herself, maybe she could make it so.

She looked back up to Lord Hawthorn to see him staring at her expectantly, and remembered his final phrase. "Lord Hawthorn, you have nothing to worry about. I have accepted my position and role here; you need not feel like you have to put me at ease. I promise you I will never challenge you again. I doubt I will ever seek you out, but I will always come willingly when you ask for me."

Eirin started to stand, but Lord Hawthorn motioned for her to keep her seat. He nodded his head and told her he understood how she felt, and that was all he would ask of her for the time being. He continued, "I did not mean for us to leave now, I am enjoying the game, and would like to finish. What other activities do you enjoy?"

Eirin was to the point that she wished they had skipped the game. She was frustrated that he saw her as a money hungry whore who couldn't even get along with her father, yet he tried to make conversation with her, like he cared what she did or thought. She didn't care to get to know him anymore than she already did. Furthermore, she couldn't see where her interests were any business of his; she wouldn't be sharing them with him. She would do no more than what he specifically asked of her.

Eirin sighed and fought to keep her hands from clenching her lap, "I am good with a stitch, I enjoy gardening, and riding. I can't play any musical instruments or draw, but I enjoy reading quite often." Eirin wrinkled her nose when she mentioned playing musical instruments and drawing, but otherwise her face was blank. Lord Hawthorn chuckled and assured her that he wouldn't require her to play anything for him. Eirin's lips thinned and she turned back to the game, considering her move.

Lord Hawthorn saw the look and couldn't figure out what had happened to upset her this time. He dismissed it and let silence fall once again as he turned back to the game to watch the move she made. Most girls he knew who were preparing for their seasons were trained in the art of conversation, but she almost seemed more comfortable letting the quiet reign, and he wished she was more of a chatterbox.

Eirin worked to keep her face from showing her anger at him. If each time he engaged her in conversation he reminded her that she was his property, she saw no reason to talk with him. She had learned the art of conversation when her father started letting her attend his dinner parties, so she could have kept talking with him, however she decided that to do so would make him think she wanted to speak with him. She did not like him and saw no reason to pretend she did.

This was not her father's dinner party; she was practically a prisoner here. She worked during the day because to do otherwise would drive her crazy. She had come in here because he ordered her to. She would do her duties, but she would never allow him to gain her trust in any way.

The game went on and in the end with just a few pieces left on the board for either of them, Eirin admitted defeat. They sat in silence as Lord Hawthorn observed Eirin. She finally stood up, and asked him if he was ready to retire to his room. He looked at her surprised about her offer.

"I told you my lord, I have accepted my position here, and will no longer try to avoid you. I am not looking forward to it, but I will never shirk my duty again. I see no reason to put off the inevitable."

Lord Hawthorn motioned for her to sit down again and leaned back in his chair, "Eirin, why did you tell me last night that it would have been better if I had raped you?"

He had expected Eirin to look down, embarrassed or shy, or something, but she looked him in the eye, "Given my position in your household, I would prefer not to become emotionally involved with you. I've never been anyone's property, and I'm not sure what my behavior is supposed to be yet, but I would be more comfortable if we just had sex, without trying to make it into a connection between us. I have no need to be pleasured while you satisfy yourself on my body."

She had no intention of letting him know how humiliated she had been when he had kicked her out of his bed. She intended to protect her own feelings as much as possible for the duration of her stay here, and decided she wasn't sorry for letting him know. He might as well know where she stood from the beginning.

Lord Hawthorn had no idea what to say. Of all the reasons she could have mentioned that was not what he expected. He had never heard any woman, including a mistress say that she only wanted a quick fuck and good-bye, but that was basically what this girl had just said. He couldn't let it be like that, he wasn't sure why he felt so adamant about it, but there was no way he was going to just use this girl without letting her find her own pleasure. Yes, he wanted boundaries, and he was glad she could see the need for that, but he was never one to let a lady leave him unsatisfied.

"Thank you for being honest with me. I'm not going to pretend I agree with everything you said, but I respect you for telling me. Now, I agree to setting limits between us, however, it will be I who sets those limits. I was unaware of your virginity when I took you the first time, and I understand that I hurt you. However, it does not have to be that way between a man and a woman. In time you will learn to see that." Lord Hawthorn stopped speaking. He couldn't help how much he wanted her to enjoy being with him. He found himself wishing he could wipe the blank look off her face. He would even take anger if it meant she felt anything.

He just simply didn't know what to say, though. His feelings for her were so confused and she was making it very difficult for him with her silence and empty stares.

As Lord Hawthorn stopped speaking, he looked at Eirin as if expecting a reply; she however, just continued staring at him.

I will feel nothing for you. You have already taken my body and my freedom; however my will and my emotions are mine alone. What joy will you bring me? Physical pleasure followed by heartbreak is not joy. Every time you speak you remind me again that I am your property to do with as you please. I may not be able to control my body's physical response to you, but I will try. I will make it, I will make it, I will make it….

She kept repeating the words to hoping she would start believing them.

Eirin was also tired of hearing about how he didn't know she was a virgin, like that made it ok to treat her how he had. He had controlled her through pain and threats. She wished she knew what it was he wanted from her, but she just couldn't fathom it. If she knew, she would give it to him in an instant so that he would leave her alone.

Eirin allowed none of her thoughts or feelings to show on her face. After the lord had told her he could read her thoughts in her eyes, she had taken great pains to hide her emotions from him. She knew didn't have it down completely yet, but she would keep working on it. She didn't wish for him or anyone else to be able to read her thoughts.

After waiting for Eirin to respond, and seeing that she wasn't going to, Lord Hawthorn sighed and stood up, indicating that he was ready to retire for the night. Eirin stood up, and followed him to his room. Eirin disappeared into her own room, and returned momentarily carrying her nightgown. Lord Hawthorn looked at her naked body and could feel his loins tighten. She was gorgeous, and he couldn't seem to stop himself from moving forward.

He moved in to kiss her, but she turned her head at the last moment, forcing him to kiss her in front of her ear. She then lowered her head and started unbuttoning his shirt. He raised his hands and massaged her back; he could feel her hands shaking as they moved down his front. When she reached his waist, she pulled the shirt out of his pants and pushed it off his shoulders. As she dropped to her knees to undo his pants, her stomach jumped into her throat. She was trying so hard to be business like about this. All the advice Jane had given her was running through her mind but she was terribly nervous. To make matters worse her body was remembering how he had made her feel the night before even though her brain kept telling her to forget it.

Eirin fumbled with the laces on his pants, finally getting them undone enough to lower them to his knees. She felt Lord Hawthorn's hand on her shoulder as he steadied himself to step out of the legs. Once she had him completely undressed she just stared at the floor. Everything she had learned that afternoon had fled from her mind and she hadn't a clue as to what she was supposed to do next.

Lord Hawthorn reached down and lifted Eirin's face to meet his gaze. He could see the fear, confusion, nervousness and apprehension all over her face. At that moment he felt such compassion for her. She was new to the ways of men and women, but she was still trying to please him.

Before Lord Hawthorn could read anymore on her face she jerked her head from his grasp and clumsily reached up to take his rod in her hand. She knew she was showing too much in her eyes, she could read his for her in his eyes; she knew she had to learn to control her emotions better. She tried to pleasure him with her hand, but he sucked in a breath and jerked back from her.

Looking up at him with a frightened look, Eirin saw him take himself in his own hand. Her eyes started to tear up at the thought that she had once again hurt him. Lord Hawthorn came and knelt before her so they were at eye level. "Eirin, you need not be nervous, I have told you before that I will not hurt you again. I want us to enjoy each other. I will teach you how to pleasure me while at the same time bringing pleasure to you."

Eirin tried to shake her head but he was already standing up and pulling her to her feet at the same time. He led her to the bed and tried to lay her upon it, but instead she pushed upon his chest to get him to sit. She knelt in between his knees and looked up at him. "You will have to tell me what you want, I don't know exactly how to do this."

Lord Hawthorn reached down caressing her cheek. "Just do what comes naturally, as you did yesterday. I do not think you are capable of disappointing me."

Eirin looked back down again, refusing to meet his eyes. His mention of last night only reinforced her own resolve to not allow herself to be physically pleasured by him. Taking a deep breath and trying to remember all that Jane had taught her that afternoon, Eirin reached to take him into her hand.

She gently massaged him as he had taught her the night before. As she let her hands roam over him she felt him lay his own hands on her head and heard him ask her to put her mouth on him. Jane had been very specific in her instructions of how to pleasure a man with her mouth.

Eirin leaned in and enveloped the head of his penis with her mouth, trying to keep her teeth from his skin as she had been taught. She slid down his length, but came up sputtering she felt him at the back of her throat. Lord Hawthorn reached down to lift her face again, but she refused to look at him this time and brushed his hands away.

Lord Hawthorn once again to get her to lift her face but again she refused and he finally gave up. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry he had asked and she need'nt try again, however, she had already taken just the tip of him into her mouth again. She didn't try to take him in very far this time, and he could still feel her teeth every now and then, but she was not hurting him and he was so pleased with her efforts that he did not try to correct her. In time he would teach her to take more of him, for now he was satisfied.

Once Lord Hawthorn felt himself close to climaxing, he reached down to take Eirin into his arms. Once again she tried to pull from him, but this time he wouldn't let her. Pulling her off her knees, he made her lay on the bed on her back. He started running his hands down her body, but looked up surprised when he felt Eirin brush them aside.