WTF? It must be a stress reaction.
For the time being, though, knowing she couldn't conceive was an enormous relief. Now she could go on with the mandatory 'fucking and sucking', as Madison put it, without having the worry of pregnancy in the back of her mind. All she had to worry about was the starships being ready on time so she could avoid that surgery and risk getting pregnant again, let alone what they were going to do to change her appearance.
She noticed a man looking at her as she waited on the path for a cab. It interrupted her thoughts and made her smile.
"'Sit', 7GQA9E," he commanded.
She immediately got into the position on her heels with her knees as wide apart as she could get them and her hands behind her neck, keeping her elbows way back so her breasts would be held up and pushed out. She hoped he liked what he saw. This was her gift. Would he ask her for a blowjob? Maybe something else? She imagined her labia extending further than they were now if she had to go through with that procedure. She started breathing harder as he looked her up and down.
"Thank you, 7GQA9E. You are very beautiful," he said at last.
That's all he wants? Did I do something wrong? Did I not smile enough? Not have my legs far enough apart? Are my tits too small?
"Thank you, kind sir," she replied, mustering her best smile.
On the cab ride back to the space port, she kept wondering why the man hadn't wanted anything more from her. Was she losing her looks maybe? Maybe her genitals weren't appealing in their current state, and she should accept that procedure? Perhaps he just wasn't in the mood for coupling, and looking at her had been enough for him? He had found her attractive enough to want that much at least.
Yeah, that has to be it. He was just having a bad day. Maybe looking at me cheered him up?
Still, she couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed that he hadn't wanted anything else.
As she walked back into the hangar, she noted with some satisfaction that the starships looked more like starships now rather than skeletons with cables running everywhere. Hundreds of people had been involved and they were now slightly ahead of schedule. The thrusters were working, the main bodies of the hyperdrive systems were installed and the bridges looked almost complete. They had even increased the size of the aquinium tanks so they would be capable of making dozens of jumps instead of just two next time. There was still plenty to go, though. Collingwood was still working on the hyperdrive mapping systems and adapting them to work with the Earth 1 hyperdrive, but he believed they would be on track to go home within three or four months. It would be cutting it close, but hopefully it all happened to schedule so she didn't have to go through with the surgery and the genital enhancing therapy. Or maybe she should just get it anyway so she could have babies again whether she stayed or went home? Back home she had access to birth control so she could have babies if and when she decided to. Here it was expected of women her age to reproduce. That was the deal. If she did end up stuck here, she had to accept that.
Emily thought about how the procedure would go. Would she have to give blowjobs or have sex with all of the doctors and assistants involved before they began? She drifted into daydreaming about what they might do, but quickly snapped out of it. This world was making her insane! No, that enhancement thing sounded horrible, and she had to get out of here at all costs now. If nothing else, she was an officer, and it was her duty. Still, she had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that she would be losing something important to her when the time came. What exactly was it?
She thought about her friends back home seeing her now, seeing what she had become. It was now nearly two years since she'd last had clothes on. The whole time on this Earth she'd been completely nude. She was nude in her home, nude at work, nude in the streets, nude when she did her shopping and nude even when she went out for a drink. More than that, she spread her legs and showed everything she had to any man who asked. More than that even, she let any man fuck her in any hole she had. She let them do it to her in public, in private rooms, even in police stations. She had sex anywhere, anytime with anyone.
Oh God! They're gonna think I'm a complete slut!
The thought of their reactions to finding out what she had done here horrified her. The contrast to the woman she was on Earth 1 was beyond measure. She would never have done anything even remotely like this back home. She almost couldn't here, either. It was only the pressure she put on herself to fit in that drove her to it in the end. But still, she had done it by choice. She had to accept that. When it was all said and done, she had no one else to blame but herself. She could have accepted the rattan every day if she had to. She could have accepted being thrown in jail. Instead, she'd decided to become a fuck-toy just like every other woman here, constantly displaying her naked body, wearing a collar, jumping whenever a man told her to and allowing her body to be used by them as they saw fit.
This was Earth 2 though, she told herself. Things were different here. Women gave their bodies and men gave their minds to make this world a better place to live. Neither of those came easily. Women had to sacrifice modesty and bodily autonomy, while men had to sacrifice their egos and work together instead of fighting each other to become king of the hill. That's what made this place work. She wasn't from here, though, and the thought of going home again suddenly made the reality of everything she had done here come crashing down. Back home, they would never understand why she had done the things she did here. It was the opposite problem. She would be a social pariah there for the same reason she tried to avoid becoming one here.
Her thoughts shifted to them seeing her at Debutante when she was violated by five men at once while it was broadcast to the entire world. Then, what she did the next day when she had to blow that cop in the middle of the police station, and Collingwood had seen the whole thing. And later being fucked by a stranger in the street! Then being exhibited as the only one naked at the deb training. Then after deb training, choosing to go to the pub for the first time to force herself to start living like an Earth 2 woman. She had masturbated in public that time and then had sex with those two men at their apartment. She had gone back to the same pub many, many times, and now she couldn't remember how many men she'd had sex with. It was the same pub where she'd paraded herself in front of her crew and then blown them all just after the Master's training. Then on the Monday after that, she had gang-banged the whole crew at the Space Port!
Oh God! What have I done!!
Yet, she could feel herself getting aroused thinking about it all. Was it just about 'giving the gift'? No wait. There was something more. Something made her pulse quicken when she thought about constantly being exposed to men's gazes. Posing for them with her legs wide apart and even with her pussy lips open. Willingly blowing them on her knees with her hands behind her back in public in front of anyone who cared to look. Wearing a collar and obeying without question. Letting anyone fuck her, anytime, anyplace. But the biggest rush of all was having no choice about it no matter how humiliating or degrading she found it, and it did feel humiliating and degrading. It wouldn't be anywhere near as exciting if it didn't. That flight or fight adrenaline response, the terror, and the shame. It made her head spin. And thinking about her friends back home seeing or learning about what she'd done intensified that feeling.
Oh my God! I haven't been 'giving the gift' at all! I actually enjoy being treated like this and I'm just using 'giving the gift' to give myself permission to do it! I'm not thinking like an Earth 2 woman at all!
As much as she hated it, she also loved being able to display herself and have men use her. The humiliation of wearing a collar and being ordered around like a trained animal made her heart beat faster. It filled her veins with adrenaline and flooded her brain with dopamine. She was an addict, and she had been one all along, even back when doing all of this terrified her and she felt that she had to do it to fit into this place. Even back at Debutante, the pill 4NR had given her was only partially to blame for her horniness. It was mostly her own mind doing this to her the whole time!
That's why she knew she had to leave now. Not just because of her abhorrence at the thought of the enhancement therapy or out of a sense of duty to return. It was the only way she could ever stop herself behaving like this. She couldn't live like this back home. Here, though, she could get away with it and no one would ever suspect her real motivation. They would just think she was pleased to be 'giving the gift'.
So, what now? Should she try to resist feeling pleasure in this stuff during her last few months here and keep pretending she was thinking like an Earth 2 woman, or throw herself into it and enjoy it while it lasted? Could she actually accept that she loved being a naked fuck-toy and enjoy it, but keep it to herself? A secret fantasy. Was it a bad idea to accept it, knowing that very soon it would be socially unacceptable behaviour once again? Was she living a lie by pretending to be thinking like an Earth 2 woman while secretly she enjoyed being treated like a slut?
Slut. It was such a horrible word. Men who slept around got words like 'player' and 'playboy'. Some even openly admitted to being 'male sluts' but they wore it like a badge of honour. For a woman, it was an insult. It meant there was something wrong with her character. She couldn't control herself. Couldn't say no. It was something to be ashamed of. Why, though? Why was it ok for a man to enjoy promiscuity but not a woman? Why did the idea of being forced into being a slut excite her so much?
