Evolution 10

Well my dear friend Longinus rented a place out on Fire Island. Fire Island being the gay Mecca that it is, good ol' Longinus had a different boy toy for every day of the week, and two on Sunday. Or was it that he was getting laid seven ways to Sunday? I can never remember which he boasted when he called to invite me to his White Elephant party. A White Elephant party, for those of you who don't know, is a euphemism for a singles mixer. Now, the fact that Longinus is as gay as a fruit basket doesn't mean that everybody else at his parties is also gay. He invites the gay, the straight, the bisexual. And while his parties are not specifically BDSM play parties, they're also not Vanilla either.

There's an "anything and everything goes" vibe. The things that go on at his parties can be quite surreal (like the time the very buttoned up business man dirty danced with the cowboy who wore assless leather chaps at new year's) to scary (the middle aged married couple who arrived to Labor Day looking very proper but were later walked in while beating each other with pool toys, hardcore S & M style, in the pool house...no one expected it of them) to breathtakingly beautiful (that time Liza Minelli just materialized out of nowhere as the sun came up and started to sing).

Point being...a Longinus party is not to be missed. So I got my single ass out to fire island like a good girl. I arrived Friday afternoon, the party set for Saturday night...why not make a weekend of it.

"Longinus, my love," I said when I landed on his beach, suitcase in hand, "my god this is a gorgeous party house you've got."

"Wait till you see inside," he said, sashaying forth in a billowy blue kaftan, "track lighting everywhere." The gays love their houses and their track lighting. "And you look wonderful, by the way. Andre!" He shouted. Presently a muscular Hispanic man came out of the house. "Andre, take her bag up to the pink room." Andre took my suitcase without so much as a word.

"So, Andre," I said to Longinus, "are you two..."

"We did this morning," came the reply.

"Very nice. But tell me, is he bi? Because he is gorgeous."

"He is completely gay, so you haven't a chance in hell," Longinus laughed. With that, we linked arms and went into the house. He gave me the grand tour, of course. The house was really gorgeous. Nice big rooms, which made it the ideal party house. The tour ended in the pink room, which was to be my room for the weekend. Upon first seeing it, I was truly surprised Longinus hadn't taken it for himself. It was, well...very pink. Pink walls, pink floral bedding, even the bathroom off the bedroom was pink & white. "Don't you just love it?" He asked.

"I love the whole house," I said.

"I'll let you freshen up," he said, "the you can put on a kaftan and join Andre & I on the beach for dinner."

"I don't own a kaftan," I laughed.

"Check the closet, sweetie."

I took a refreshing shower, braided my hair, and looked in the closet. Sure enough, there hung a purple kaftan. I did my eye makeup purple to match the kaftan, stepped into sandals, and headed out. Dinner consisted of grilled lobsters and string beans. The two men drank red wine, while I stuck to water with a wedge of lemon.

"You know, you're really taking this not drinking thing seriously," Longinus said, "I'm kind of ashamed to say I didn't believe you'd stick with it."

"Tell you a secret," I laughed, lighting a postprandial cigarette, "I didn't think I'd stick with it. But look at me now...I've lost weight, I'm getting back into writing, I started dating again, I'm not depressed."

"You're writing again?"

"You heard me," I nodded.

"You know I always said you had talent."

"Well, you were right all along."

"I also said you should sing," he said.

"Longinus," I waved him off, "I sang karaoke in college a couple of times," I said, "that's not real singing, it's...mimicking." I smoked my cigarette.

"Well I thought you had great stage presence." He insisted. "You should've seen her Andre...the growl of Courtney Love, the attitude of Shirley Manson, the anger of Alanis Morissette."

"And the talent of none of them," I laughed.

"To great stage presence then," Andre lifted his wine glass.

Eventually we retired for the night, I into the pink room to lie on the bed alone, and they to the master suite to...well, to do whatever it is two men do together. I heard giggling, at one point I heard a high-pitched "harder, Daddy" from Longinus, and I was certain they were having a grand old time.

Come Saturday morning I got up at ten-thirty, threw on pair of Capri pants and an empire waist top, and moseyed downstairs. I found Andre breakfasting alone. "I see Longinus is still a member of the crack of noon club," I said, reaching for the coffee. "Some things never change."

"Longinus is Longinus," Andre said, looking taught in a pair of Diesel jeans. He wore no shirt. "Strawberry-banana smoothie?"

"Good god no," I said, lighting a cigarette, "coffee and cigarette, thank you." I took my so-called breakfast out on the deck. The sun was already blazing not, it was a glorious day. After breakfast, Andre took me to a farmstand and we got Fire Island tomatoes. I have no idea what makes a Fire Island tomato different from a city one, but whatever. By the time we got back, Longinus was awake, puttering around in a red kimono.

"Who wants to go for a swim?" Longinus asked. "I know the caterer will be coming to set up, but it's hot as hell!" With that, he doffed his kimono in the kitchen to reveal a matching red bathing suit, and sauntered out of the house.

"I'll get my suit," I said.

And we had a swim, a nice refreshing dip. In the water with two homosexual men, I didn't care that my legs were short and fat, or that my breasts hung like...well, like boulders made of dough. The water was invigorating, and by the time we went back inside, the caterer and the bartender were, in fact, setting up.

"You'd better get a move on, Lady," I told Longinus, "you don't wanna be late to your own party."

"I'm never late," he said, "I make an entrance."

I headed for the pink & white bathroom as Longinus told the bartender something about glasses. I showered, spent forever doing my makeup, put my hair in a bun, and put on a black Michael Kors top and a pair of fantastic white slacks. Nothing says "summer in the Hamptons like white slacks. By the time I got downstairs, the party was in full swing, the guest DJ playing Daft Punk's "Get Lucky".

"Oooooh, that's a good look," Andre said as I passed him in the living room, "and those earrings are fierce."

"You're lookin good yourself," I retorted. And he was, he was wearing the hell out of a Valentino suit. Vintage Valentino. Hot, hot, fucking hot, he was.

Longinus floated, looking all bedazzled in yet another billowy kaftan, this one a vintage Halston. "Don't we all look pretty?" He asked, sipping a mojito.

"You look very pretty, Longinus," I said, kissing him on both cheeks, "you're the prettiest girl here."

"Don't I though? This is my favorite floor length dress. Now go mingle!" He barked, slapping my ass.

I lit a cigarette and made for the makeshift bar. I know, I know, I'm sober, but I can still lean at the bar, right. And I was doing precisely that, with my cigarette and a Pellegrino when an interesting stranger happened by. He looked...well, if I didn't know any better, I'd say the late Kurt Cobain had been resurrected somehow, this man bore such a striking resemblance to him. The chin length blonde hair, the haunting eyes. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

"Excuse me," he said, and I had to look because I couldn't believe he was really talking to me, but there didn't seem to be anyone else around, "but could you maybe spare a cigarette?"

"I have lots of cigarettes," I smiled, pulling my pack of Dunhills out of my purse and offering it to him, "help yourself." Good, I have something he wants, he'll stay and talk to me.

"Thanks," he said, "my stylish new friend," he took a cigarette and lit up. "I'm Nikolai, by the way."

"Cara," I said, "so how do you know Longinus?" I couldn't very well blurt out, 'so, Nikolai, gay or straight?' And it wasn't always easy to tell by looking.

"I'm straight," he laughed, "my brother, though, he's...he's the one that knows Longinus. I just, well, I heard there was gonna be a party and tagged along."

"I went to college with Longinus," I said.

A few cigarettes later, Nikolai and I moved to the small pantry off the kitchen. Where we could be alone. I didn't know if he was kinky or not, but the fact that he wanted to be alone with me was a good start.

"What is this little room?" He laughed as I closed the door behind us, shutting us in the pantry.

"The butler's pantry," I said.

"Butt-ler," he said, grazing my ass with his fingers, "get it."

"Cute," I said, "now kiss me."

He kissed me, his tongue hot in my mouth. I felt his fingers roam under my top so I threw it off, giggling like a schoolgirl. I slipped my left breast out of my bra and he took the nipple into his mouth. "Ohhhhhh, Mama," he moaned, sucking my nipple.

"Mama," I said, that word from his mouth having interrupted my reverie, "did you say Mama?"

"I sure did," he grinned, going right back to the breast.

I pulled him by the hair, "You. Off my tit. Right fucking now," I barked.

"Problem?"

"We only just met, and you have no way of knowing, so I'll spell it out for you. I'm good with Baby, honey, whore, bitch, sweetie, anything really. Except Mama."

"Please," he pointed those blue eyes at me, "please just this once?" And I couldn't help myself, I felt something, some of that hard shell I'd built up around me, start to melt. Goddamn him.

"Yeah, sure," I kissed him on the forehead, "OK."

And for the next two hours and a half, I was Nikolai's Mama in that little pantry. I sang to him, he had my breasts in his mouth, I cradled him in my arms, I told him he was a good boy. At one point he slept and I watched him sleep. It was freaky. Not because I'm usually the submissive, the Babygirl to a man's Daddy, but because of all the weird maternal feelings it brought up.

That's right. Playing at being Nikolai's Mama made me reevaluate having an actual child. I'd always sworn I would never. What with my past, I'm frightened of damaging a kid the way I'm damaged. But after cradling another human being, and realizing how nice it felt, I thought it might be nice to have a baby. But I was still damaged.

Well, Nikolai and I eventually exited the pantry and parted company. The party was still in full swing, but I excused myself to go upstairs. On my way past the bar, I grabbed two bottles of Merlot, thankfully unseen by anyone. One bottle I killed in my room in five minutes flat, didn't even taste it. Of course I blacked out promptly.

I awoke the next morning feeling like...well, shit that got run over. In a stupor, I threw on a hat, gloves, and heels, grabbed the second bottle of merlot, and snuck out onto the beach before Longinus and Andre were awake yet. I was sitting there on the beach, in broad daylight, having killed 3/4 of that second bottle of merlot, bawling my eyes out because I wanna have a baby even though I'm terrified of raising and ruining a kid, when I felt something pulling on me.

"And what was it?" My psychiatrist, Dr. Elshafi, asked.

"Was two uniformed officers," I said, "from the Fire Island Police Department. They pulled me into a standing position and arrested me."

"For public intoxication?"

"For the open container, yeah," I said, "but also because while I put on a hat, gloves, shoes, I wasn't wearing any clothes. So, I broke my sobriety, I got arrested for indecent exposure. My friend Longinus was mortified that I got arrested on his beach. Says he can never go back to fire island again, and so he's not speaking to me. So I lost a friend."

"But you are conflicted about having a baby," Dr. Elshafi said, "there was a time when you were adamant that you did not want to have a baby. Remember when you sat in that very chair and told me you wanted to have your tubes tied, that you saw that as the only way to make sure you would not do to an innocent child what you feel your own mother did to you. You are softening on that. You broke your sobriety and lost a friend, but only because the fact that you are growing and evolving as a person scares you."