Fools' Gold

"This is, without question, the worst map I've ever seen," Tulio declared, squinting at the weathered parchment in his hands while simultaneously trying to keep the horse from eating it. "Altivo, for the last time, this is not breakfast."

The magnificent stallion - who, until very recently, had belonged to Cortés himself - gave Tulio a look that somehow managed to be both haughty and unimpressed. For a horse that had started as stolen cargo, he'd developed an awful lot of opinions.

"Don't give me that look," Tulio muttered. "You're the one who decided to jump ship with us."

"He has excellent taste in companions," Miguel declared, currently walking backward while holding his own copy of the map upside down and spinning in a slow circle. "Unlike some people, Altivo appreciates my natural charm and leadership abilities."

"Altivo appreciates the apples," Tulio corrected, turning the map sideways. "And would you please walk normally?"

"I'm getting a better perspective! This map just happens to be..." Miguel squinted harder. "Abstract."

"Abstract?" Tulio snatched the second map from his partner's hands, flipping it right-side up while dodging another of Altivo's attempts to make it a snack. "It's a treasure map, not a painting in a fancy gallery. Look - there's the stream, there's the mountain that looks like a sleeping woman--"

"Oh, is THAT what that is? I thought it was a very pointy cloud."

"A pointy cloud? Really? That's what you're going with?"

They'd been trudging through the jungle for three days, following the mysterious map they'd won in what Tulio still maintained was the luckiest dice game of their lives. Though if he was being honest (which he rarely was), "won" might be a generous term for what had actually happened with those loaded dice. The addition of Altivo to their party had been... unexpected. But then again, so was most of what happened when Miguel was involved.

"You know," Miguel mused, now walking backwards on top of a fallen log while strumming his lute, "when you think about it, clouds can be quite pointy under the right atmospheric conditions--"

"If you start singing about atmospheric conditions, I will feed both maps to the horse."

Altivo's ears perked up hopefully.

"You wouldn't dare! Besides," Miguel gestured broadly, nearly falling off the log before catching himself with his usual inexplicable grace, "we're on the adventure of a lifetime! The quest for El Dorado! This is the stuff legends are made of!"

"Legends usually don't involve quite so many mosquitoes," Tulio observed, swatting at another one. "Though I suppose being eaten alive by insects is marginally better than our usual problems."

"You mean like that incident in Barcelona?"

"Which was entirely your fault."

"How was that my fault? You're the one who told me the governor's daughter was single!"

"Yes, but I didn't tell you to serenade her with a song about her father's toupee!"

"It was a very respectful song about the toupee!"

Their bickering echoed through the humid jungle air as they pushed through another tangle of vines, Altivo following with the long-suffering patience of someone who had accepted their fate of being stuck with these two particular idiots. Tulio was about to launch into his well-rehearsed explanation of why that particular fiasco had been at least sixty percent Miguel's responsibility when he stopped short, causing both Miguel and the horse to crash into him from behind.

"Well," Tulio said, staring at the rather obvious skull-shaped rock formation looming before them. "That's unfortunate."

Altivo whinnied in what was definitely agreement this time.

"See?" Miguel gestured triumphantly, somehow having ended up sitting backwards on the horse. "I got us exactly where we needed to be!"

"Getting us to a giant skull was the plan, was it?"

"Obviously! Just like getting thrown off Cortés' ship was the plan. And getting chased by that bull was the plan. And losing all our money in that tavern in Barcelona was definitely the plan."

Tulio pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know, most people would be concerned that their life's journey had led them to a giant stone skull in the middle of nowhere."

"Ah, but we're not most people, are we?" Miguel struck what he probably thought was a heroic pose, which was somewhat undermined by the fact that he was still sitting backwards on the horse. "We're..."

"If you say 'partners in crime' I'm going to push you off that horse."

"I was going to say 'intrepid adventurers.'"

"That's worse. That's actually worse."

The skull's entrance loomed before them, dark and forbidding. A cool breeze whispered from its depths, carrying what sounded suspiciously like whispers. Even Altivo seemed uncertain, pawing at the ground nervously.

"After you," Tulio gestured grandly.

"Oh no, I insist - after you!"

"No, no, I couldn't possibly - age before beauty!"

"Funny, I thought it was pearls before swine."

They stared at each other for a long moment before speaking in unison: "Together?"

"Together," they agreed, linking arms and taking a tentative step forward. Altivo, clearly deciding he wanted no part of whatever was about to happen, stayed firmly put.

"Smart horse," Tulio muttered.

"Oh come on," Miguel tugged him forward. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Do you want that alphabetically or chronologically?"

The cave, as it turned out, was exactly as dark and foreboding on the inside as it had appeared from the outside. Which, Tulio reflected, was actually rather considerate of it. He hated when things tried to deceive you about their true nature, like that time with the identical triplets.

"You're thinking about the triplets again, aren't you?" Miguel asked as they stumbled through the darkness.

"How could you possibly know that?"

"You get this particular twitch in your left eye whenever you remember the wedding rehearsal."

"We agreed never to speak of the wedding rehearsal."

"No, we agreed never to speak of what happened *after* the wedding rehearsal. The rehearsal itself is fair game."

They emerged from the cave into a clearing that seemed to have been carved out of the jungle itself, bordered by ancient stones and a thundering waterfall that sent rainbow-tinged mist into the air. Under different circumstances, it might have been beautiful. Under current circumstances, Tulio was more concerned with the fact that it was distinctly lacking in anything resembling a city of gold.

What it did have was a massive stone slab covered in intricate carvings, weathered by time but still clearly visible. Two figures in elaborate headdresses dominated the center, seated atop what looked like... was that a horse?

"Well," Tulio said after a long moment. "This is just perfect. Absolutely perfect. Do you know what this means, Miguel?"

"That we've made an incredible archaeological discovery that will revolutionize our understanding of pre-Columbian civilization?"

"What? No! It means we've been had! It means this map," he waved the parchment dramatically, "is about as useful as your romantic advice!"

"My romantic advice is excellent!"

"You told me the best way to impress a woman was to juggle chickens!"

"And it worked, didn't it?"

"It worked on a chicken farmer's daughter! That's not exactly a universal strategy!"

Their argument was interrupted by the sound of hooves as Altivo finally decided to join them, looking supremely unimpressed by both the ancient carvings and their bickering.

"Oh sure, *now* you show up," Tulio muttered. "Where were you when we were stumbling around in the dark?"

Altivo gave him a look that clearly said "making better life choices than you."

Miguel was studying the carvings with unusual intensity. "You know, there's something odd about these--"

The sharp crack of a branch interrupted him, followed by rapid footsteps crashing through the underbrush. They barely had time to exchange a panicked look before a blur of movement burst into the clearing -- a young woman in a native dress, sprinting as if her life depended on it. Which, judging by the half-dozen armed guards pursuing her, it probably did.

"Hide!" Tulio hissed, yanking Miguel behind the stone slab.

"We can't just--" Miguel started to protest.

"Yes, we absolutely can!"

But the woman had already spotted them, changing course with the quick calculation of someone who made split-second decisions for a living. Tulio recognized that look. He'd worn it often enough himself.

She dove behind their rock just as the guards emerged into the clearing, their jade-adorned spears glinting in the dappled sunlight. For a moment, everyone froze -- the guards, the woman, the two con men, and one extremely judgmental horse.

"Hello," Tulio managed weakly. "Lovely weather we're having?"

The lead guard leveled his spear. The jade tip caught the light in a way that Tulio found unnecessarily threatening.

"Is this your rock?" Miguel asked brightly. "It's a very nice rock. We were just admiring it. As... tourists?"

"Tourists?" The guard's voice dripped with skepticism.

"Yes! Tourists!" Tulio found himself saying. "You know, just... admiring the local... architecture. Very interesting architecture you have here. Much more... architectural than the architecture back home. Right, Miguel?"

"Oh yes, absolutely fascinating architecture. The way it just... stands there. Being... architectural."

The woman beside them made a small noise that might have been either a laugh or a sob.

"Spears," he whispered to Miguel. "They have spears."

"Yes, I noticed the spears."

"Very sharp spears."

"Hard to miss."

The guards were advancing now, moving with the practiced coordination of men who spent a lot of time threatening people with pointy objects. Altivo, displaying his usual impeccable timing, chose this moment to snort loudly and paw at the ground.

The guards stopped. Stared at the horse. Stared at Tulio and Miguel. Stared at the carvings behind them. Their eyes went wide.

"My lords," the lead guard said, dropping to his knees. "We did not recognize you."

"Ah," said Tulio, having absolutely no idea what was happening. "Well. That's... understandable?"

"Yes," Miguel chimed in, clearly just as confused but, as usual, much better at faking it. "We do try to maintain a certain... air of mystery."

The woman was looking between them and the guards with an expression that suggested she was calculating odds and finding them interesting. Tulio didn't like that expression. That expression usually preceded the kind of chaos that ended with them running for their lives.

Then again, they were already probably going to be running for their lives anyway. At least this way they might get to run with dignity.

"Clearly," she said suddenly, her voice carrying an authority that made even the guards pause, "these noble lords were testing us. And we have failed miserably."

The guards looked stricken.

"No, no," Tulio said quickly. "You did... fine. Very threatening. Good spear work."

Miguel elbowed him in the ribs.

"What my partner means," he said smoothly, "is that your dedication to duty is... admirable. But perhaps we could discuss this somewhere less..." He glanced meaningfully at the rather ominous skull-shaped cave entrance behind them.

The lead guard's face lit up. "Of course! The city! You must be properly welcomed to the city!"

"The city," Tulio repeated weakly.

"El Dorado awaits you, my lords!"

Tulio and Miguel exchanged a look that contained several volumes of conversation, most of it unprintable.

"Well," Miguel said finally. "Lead on!"

As they followed the guards, the woman fell into step beside them. "I'm Chel," she whispered. "And you're either the luckiest or the most doomed men I've ever met."

"Why not both?" Miguel whispered back cheerfully.

"Is it too late to vote for neither?" Tulio asked.

Altivo, bringing up the rear, managed to convey with a single snort that he had several thoughts about their life choices, none of them complimentary.

They passed through the waterfall, the roar of cascading water giving way to hushed echoes as they entered a hidden cavern beyond. Droplets glittered like diamonds in the filtered light, catching in Chel's dark hair as she gestured for them to duck lower in the boat. She moved with the fluid grace of someone used to navigating both treacherous waters and treacherous politics, her bronze skin gleaming in the half-light, the thin fabric of her top and brief loincloth leaving little to the imagination.

"So," she whispered, leaning close enough that Tulio could catch the scent of exotic flowers, "want to know why you're not dead yet?"

"That would be helpful, yes," Tulio managed, trying very hard to keep his eyes on her face.

"See that stone you were hiding behind?" She glanced back toward the waterfall. "The one with all the carvings? It's a prophecy. Two gods, riding a strange beast, coming to usher in a new age." She nodded toward Altivo, who was looking entirely too pleased with himself in the second boat. "And here you are, two strangers with a horse, appearing exactly where the gods were supposed to arrive."

"Oh," said Miguel brightly. "Well, that's convenient!"

"Convenient?" Tulio hissed. "We're going to be exposed as frauds and executed!"

"Only if you keep panicking," Chel said smoothly. "Lucky for you, I was about to be sacrificed to these very gods. So now..." She smiled, and Tulio was suddenly reminded of sharks. "Now I'm your devoted servant, here to help you maintain your divine façade."

The boats glided through crystal-clear water, massive stone pillars rising on either side covered in intricate carvings. Vines draped like emerald curtains from above, bright flowers blooming in impossible colors. Birds called in the distance, their cries echoing off the ancient stones.

"And why exactly would you help us?" Tulio asked.

"Dead gods aren't much use to anyone," she replied. "And because I have my own reasons for wanting to... adjust my position in society."

Miguel was barely listening, too busy staring at the increasingly elaborate architecture surrounding them. The cavern was opening up, the ceiling soaring higher, shafts of sunlight breaking through to dance on the water.

"It's not like you have much choice," Chel continued. "Either play along or..." She drew a finger across her throat with elegant finality.

"She has a point," Miguel said cheerfully.

The boats rounded a final bend, and suddenly the city of El Dorado sprawled before them in all its golden glory. Pyramids rose like mountains of precious metal, their sides gleaming in the sunlight. Markets and gardens terraced down to a central plaza, while aqueducts carried sparkling water throughout the city. The air was thick with the scent of incense and flowers, and somewhere drums were beginning to beat.

"Welcome to El Dorado," Chel murmured, "where the streets are paved with gold and the gods..." She looked Tulio up and down in a way that made him decidedly nervous. "The gods are about to make quite an entrance."

Indeed, people were already gathering along the canals, pointing and shouting. Children ran alongside the boats, throwing flower petals that rained down like colorful snow. The drumbeats grew louder, joined by the sound of trumpets and some kind of flute that made Altivo's ears twitch.

"Just remember," Chel whispered as they approached the main dock, where elaborately dressed figures were already gathering, "you're gods. Act like it."

"And how exactly do gods act?" Tulio whispered back.

"Like they're convinced everyone would be honored to die for them," she replied. "So basically, just be yourself, but more so."

"I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an insult."

"Why not both?" She winked, then gracefully rose and bowed low, every movement calculated to draw attention to her curves. "My lords, welcome to your city."

Their arrival at the central plaza was a blur of golden architecture, chanting crowds, and what Tulio was pretty sure was an entire flock's worth of ceremonial feathers.

Two figures dominated the welcoming committee -- a rotund man with kind eyes wearing a headdress that probably weighed more than Miguel's ego, and a tall, angular priest whose smile reminded Tulio of several knives he'd been threatened with over the years.

"I am Chief Tannabok," the first man said, bowing deeply. "And this is Tzekel-Kan, our high priest and speaker for the gods."

"Ah yes," Miguel said with the confidence of someone who had absolutely no idea what he was doing but was enjoying it immensely. "We've heard... so much about you."

"How may we serve you, my lords?" Tzekel-Kan's voice dripped with the kind of reverence that usually preceded someone trying to separate Tulio from his valuables or his vital organs.

"The gods require rest," Chel intervened smoothly. "They have journeyed far through the... ethereal planes."

"Of course!" Chief Tannabok gestured toward the largest pyramid. "We have prepared the temple's finest chambers."

As they climbed the temple steps (all seven thousand of them, by Tulio's winded count), he couldn't help but notice how Miguel kept finding excuses to help Chel over particularly steep sections. She didn't seem to need the help, but she wasn't exactly discouraging it either.

The chambers were an open-air paradise of silk curtains and golden furnishings. A fountain burbled with perfumed water, and somewhere below, drums were beginning to beat.

"I need to prepare for tonight's festivities," Chel said, her fingers trailing unnecessarily along Miguel's arm as she passed. "Try not to get sacrificed while I'm gone."

Once she'd disappeared, Tulio rounded on his partner. "No."

"I didn't say anything!"

"You were thinking it. Loudly."

"I was just admiring her... diplomatic skills."

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Tulio began pacing. "Look, we need to focus. We're gods now, apparently, which means we need a plan. A real plan. Not one of your plans that ends with us running from angry mobs or accidentally engaged to multiple people."

"That only happened once!"

"Once was plenty! Now listen -- we play along, collect enough gold to sink a ship, and then make a graceful divine exit before anyone realizes we're about as holy as Altivo's left hoof."

"You don't think we should... stay a while?" Miguel was trying very hard to look innocent and failing spectacularly. "Get to know the culture? The people? The incredibly helpful and surprisingly flexible attendants?"

"No. No, no, no. Chel is off-limits. Partners' agreement. Shake on it."

Miguel looked like he was about to argue, then sighed. "Fine. Off-limits." They shook hands just as the drums below grew louder.

"Now," Tulio said, "let's figure out how to be gods without getting ourselves killed. I don't suppose you have any experience with divinity?"

"Well, there was that time in Madrid when those nuns thought I was an angel..."

"That's because you fell through their roof! That doesn't count!"

"I got three free meals and a blessing before they realized I was just a drunk guy who'd climbed the wrong building."

Their theological debate was interrupted by Chel's return. She'd added gold bangles that caught the torchlight and something that made her eyes seem even more dangerous than before.

"Ready to be divine?" she asked, and Tulio didn't miss the way Miguel swallowed when he looked at her.

"How hard can it be?" Tulio asked, immediately regretting the question. "No, don't answer that. I don't want to know how hard it can be."

"Relax," she said, adjusting his ceremonial robes with perhaps more contact than was strictly necessary. "Just remember -- you're *gods*. Act like everything that happens is exactly what you intended."