I was very groggy when I first opened my eyes. I had to squint fiercely because the lights were so bright, but a command from a woman turned them down quite a bit. My head hurt. My body hurt. And it was taking me some time to even focus my eyes on everything around me. I knew I was in a fairly small room... laying on a bed. Machines around me were beeping and whirring softly.
"Mrs. Armbruster," a man's voice said. He was standing over me, wearing a white lab coat. "Mrs. Armbruster, can you hear me?"
I groaned and felt the dryness of my throat. What in the hell happened to me? Where was I?
"Yeah," I whispered. "I can heaw you." My lips and tongue felt swollen and I found it a little difficult to speak.
"Excellent!" he said, very happy. "Her cognitive functions and senses seem to be intact. This is incredible! I told them this would work, the fools!"
"Incredible, doctor," a female voice said, obviously excited. I lazily turned my head to the sound and saw a woman, dressed in blue scrubs, like a nurse, with a scarf wrapped around her head. I found the look odd and not typical of a nurse.
"Wha... whad happen do me?" I asked. I couldn't remember much of anything happening before waking up.
"Mrs. Armbruster, I'm Dr. Cornwallis. You were in an accident," the doctor said, coming closer to the table. He was a shorter man, with wispy grey hair on his balding head and thick, dark glasses. He was drooling with each sentence as if he could barely contain his excitement. "A terrible, terrible multiple car accident with two cars and a semi-truck. I'm sorry to say that you were... badly hurt."
"Oh... I... I don wemembah..." I held my head in my hands trying to remember.
"It's ok... oftentimes people don't remember things like that right away. But you're alive and we're taking good care of you. You're in very good hands."
"Wherw am I? In... in de hopital?"
"It's a private medical facility. But we're fully equipped to care for your needs, Mrs. Armbruster. Don't you worry about a thing."
"Pwivate... whad?"
"I have to tell you, Mrs. Armbruster, that this is an incredible occasion. You and I are going to be very famous for what we're doing here. And they *will* remember us..."
I was getting tired and my head was still groggy. I had no idea why this doctor was so excited, especially when I felt like shit.
"Whad...? Famoud?"
"First of all, Mrs. Armbruster, you are going to be instrumental in saving the lives of a lot of people. Thousands of lives. Hundreds of thousands of lives! I knew this procedure would..."
"Save wives? Doctor... please... I..." I was having trouble keeping up with him.
"Mrs. Armbruster, we are performing a radical medical experiment together. When we succeed we will be able to cure colorectal cancer, prostate cancer, breast cancer, and cervical cancer!" he said, ticking off the cancers on his fingers. "Imagine that! One point six million men and women die from these cancers every single year... and that will all be a thing of the past because of what we're doing right now, right here, today! But, no, those bureaucrats," he spat with disgust. "They said I couldn't do it. They said it wouldn't work. They were too blind to see the potential! So I had to take steps on my own to secure my own funding and secure my own facility, outside of their idiotic control."
My head was spinning from his enthusiasm and I had no idea what it had to do with me. How in the hell could I have anything to do with curing cancer? "Doctor... whad... whad does this have to do wid me?"
"Oh... I'm sorry. As you can tell I'm rather enthusiastic about our progress so far. Well," he said catching his breath and trying to slow down, "we have discovered antibodies that can identify and eradicate cancerous cells. Specifically targeting the malignant progression of those cells. We wanted to do more clinical trials but we had... trouble... with the details. You see, we've found that these antibodies develop particularly well in human female mammary glands."
"Cwinicaw twiahs...? Mammary gwands? Doctor, I...." What was he talking about?
"Breasts, Mrs. Armbruster. It grows best in women's breasts. We will grow the antibodies within the woman's breast milk," he continued excitedly, "harvest them, and then give them to cancer patients. In a matter of months the patients will be completely... 100%... cancer free. Forever! And quite possibly, we can create antibodies to attack all other cancers as well! Think how exciting, how radical this is!"
"Whoa," I said, my head finally becoming clear. "Bweasts...? You put something in my bweasts and now you'wa going to inject a needle into dem?"
"No, no," he interrupted me. "No needles, Mrs. Armbruster, don't you worry. This has all been very, very carefully planned out. Not only was I able to save your life, I've been able to increase the size of your breasts four fold. This will help produce a constant, large supply of antibodies. And your nipples have been expanded and are twice as sensitive now. They should provide constant positive stimulation."