I woke up the next morning with a sense of defeat running through my body. It wasn't the usual way I wake up, I usually have some kind of fight in me, some kind of resilience. But today I had none of that. I wasn't entirely sure why, maybe it was just the constant struggle I was going through, but there was no denying it. Hopefully something would happen to break me out of it.
My hand reached for my phone to check my messages ready to see what kind of sick task I was going to be given today, but surprisingly there was nothing, a little smile grew on my face. Could it be that things were turning around today already? I went for my shower, spending a few extra minutes in there then usual, really trying to relax and feel the water wash over me. I thought about the day ahead and how hopefully I wouldn't have to do anything crazy like yesterday, and I also thought about Emma and how our relationship was changing. It made me sad more than anything, but I had to try to keep it together, try to rebuild what we had, or at least make where things are going better.
When I put all of the clues together it was more than obvious that she knew what I was doing in class yesterday. We hadn't talked about it yet, she hadn't mentioned it, but it was obvious. Why else would she be so angry? So annoyed? And why else would she rebel and go to a sex store, and then masturbate so loudly in the house? I'm sure she masturbated before, probably many times, but it was never obvious, and now it was beyond obvious. The moans were still ringing in my head. I made the decision right there to talk to Emma this morning, first thing, before we left for class.
I got out of the shower in a much more upbeat mood than when I entered. I checked my phone again but there were still no messages so that meant I could wear what I wanted. The day really was getting better and better. A pair of jeans, and a sweater were what I chose. Comfortable, conservative, non-sexual, it was perfect. I slid on a pair of comfortable flat shoes and walked downstairs to make some cereal for Emma and Sam. As the minutes ticked by I started to get a little nervous again, the talk with Emma was going to be awkward, and there was no denying it. Luckily Emma came downstairs first meaning I could have the conversation without Sam hearing.
"Hey honey," I said as she walked in, pushing her bowl of cereal to the edge of the table.
"Hey," was all she replied with. She didn't even look at me. It hurt. I smiled back at her.
It took me a minute to build up the courage to broach the subject, but eventually I did, I took a deep breath and started, "Emma..."
"Ya," she said, raising her eyes to glare at me.
"Yesterday... ummmmm... in class..."
"Ya mom, I know you were fucking masturbating, OK? Fuck... what the fuck is even going on!" Emma said loudly which took me by surprise. "I mean, it's bad enough that you're my mom, but you're a fucking teacher! Are you seriously trying to ruin our lives? Or what?"
Her tone was like a dagger being driven into my soul. Her words burned my ears as I listened. I felt so ashamed, so broken.
"Emma, wait... I..."
"What mom? Are you going to tell me you didn't masturbate in class yesterday?"
Fuck, what was I going to say? How was I going to explain it to her? My brain was running through every single option, trying to come up with something, my heart was racing, I could feel myself starting to sweat, I didn't know what to do.
"Well mom? What's your excuse this time!?"
My mouth opened and I blurted out something I didn't plan on saying, "I'm being blackmailed..."
The words shocked me as they left my mouth. I didn't mean to say them, but I didn't know what else to say either. It all just happened before I could make another plan. Emma's words were hurting me so much, I felt like I was failing as a mother, I had to do something to stop the burning, and I said the truth. The question was what Emma was going to do with it. From the looks of it she was more shocked than I was.
"What did you say?" Emma asked, her mouth still agape.
I looked at her and decided to continue with the truth, "I am being blackmailed."
"What does that even mean mom?" the look in Emma's eyes was one of worry, the hatred had seemed to have vanished, at least for now.
"Someone has some information about me, and is using it to make me do things I wouldn't normally do, and if I don't do what they say they are going to release everything and basically ruin my life..." I felt a tear roll down my cheek.
Emma sat there, staring at me, not knowing what to say, until she got off her chair and gave me a long hug. It felt good. It felt good to finally tell someone the truth, it felt good to be hugged and feel love. I let out a sigh as Emma let go and sat back down.
"I can't believe it... but it also explains so much mom... how did this happen? What did you do so they could blackmail you?" Emma asked and my heart dropped a little.
The truth was I masturbated in my class room which was the thing Emma was mad about, and got caught. Was I still going to tell her this? Was I going to continue with the truth? I took a deep breath and decided at this point truth was the best thing to do.
"Well, Emma... I'm ashamed of what I did... a few weeks ago I masturbated in my classroom..." I paused for a second, watching Emma's face changing from concern to anger again, "but no one was there, I was alone, my door was locked, there wasn't anyway anyone could have seen, I swear!"
"Mom! What the fuck!" Emma said loudly again, "if no one could see then how did someone see?" Her question sounded strange, but made sense.
"Apparently this blackmailer has a camera in my classroom, a hidden camera, and they got the video, and then used it against me... I swear I didn't know!" I started to cry, the shame was taking over.
Emma came over and hugged me again, "Mom, I still can't believe you did what you did, but obviously you don't deserve this! Is that the only video they have?"
Through sobs I continued, "no... they have been recording everything... so it's all getting worse... each time they have more and more..."
Emma squeezed me tighter and we just sat there for a minute, "so all of the crazy things you've been doing are because of this blackmailer? I hate that they are making you do all of this and it's against your will."
I felt myself blush a little, I didn't hate all of it, that was the thing that made me more ashamed than anything.
"Mom...? You do hate it right? This is against your will right?" Emma could see the truth already.
"I mean... ya... I would never do these things usually... but... I mean it is exciting..." I couldn't believe I was saying this to my daughter, actually telling her the truth.
"So you're telling me you LIKE being blackmailed?"
"NO! I hate it, I would never jeopardize my life... our lives, like this. But... the things they are making me do... it is exciting... it is something I would... I guess fantasize about..." my face was turning bright red as the words came out.