I occasionally get into a bit of trouble at school. It's not really my fault. All right, maybe it is. I'm ahead of the class in a number of subjects and I get bored when we have to do repetitive things that I already know. When I get bored I tend to do things to alleviate my boredom. The teachers don't always appreciate my sense of humour.
That explains why I was standing in front of the Principal's desk, getting lectured. He was going on with the same old, same old, and I was basically tuning him out, just keeping one ear going in case he said something that caught my attention.
Third time in my office this term, yada, yada, do you like detention, yada, yada, and so it went on. He droned away and I looked contrite and said, sorry sir, at what seemed like appropriate intervals.
Then there was a sudden silence. I stopped looking at the floor and looked at the Principal and he was giving me the evil eye. What had I done now? I hastily cast my mind back to see if anything he had been saying had stuck with me. It's a trick I've learnt. It operates on the principle that you do hear things and ignore them, but if you decide that what you heard is important, your memory kicks in and refreshes the words for you.
Now I was wishing my memory hadn't kicked in. Without changing the tone of his delivery the Principal had started reciting a nursery rhyme, asked if I was listening, and suggested that I might prefer it if he wore a tutu and danced out a message for me.
I have to hand it to the man. He had a fine line in sarcasm, delivered with the same tone as he lectured me. When he actually caught on that I was ignoring him I'm not sure, but he was not happy. He had my attention now that was for sure. I was even blushing slightly at being caught out.
"I think," said the Principal, speaking slowly, "That it's time we tried something different. I want you to fold your arms and bend over the desk, resting on your arms."
"What the hell?" was my immediate thought. Corporal punishment? At my age? He had to be joking.
"What, you're going to beat me?" I asked, quite sure I hadn't signed any forms giving the school that authority. What's more, being eighteen, I'd have to sign the form. My parents couldn't sign for me.
"Beat you? Goodness me, no," he said, managing to sound scandalised. "We don't have authority for that. No, no, no. What I'm going to do is give you a good solid fuck. You obviously have some sort of hormonal imbalance that's causing your misbehaviour and giving you a good old fashioned fuck will probably fix that. You should probably talk to your boyfriend about giving you one fairly frequently."
What did he say? He was standing there smiling at me, showing no sign that he'd just made such an outrageous statement. I mean, he wouldn't do such a thing to a student. He wouldn't dare.
I told him that, at the same time discretely backing up until I could feel the door behind me. If he tried to jump me I was so out of there.
"I wouldn't dare? Try me. Come and bend over as instructed. Oh, yes, you should also lock the door. Good thinking. You might be embarrassed if someone came in while I was servicing you."
I could feel my face burning. I mean, I knew he couldn't be serious but he sure sounded as though he meant business.
"Oh, no," I said, shaking my head. "Not going to happen. No way, Jose. You take one step towards me and I'm out of here. You won't see me for dust."
"Oh, don't do that," he said quickly. "Consider my image. What would it look like if I had to chase you down the corridor, willy in hand, shouting for you to come back, because I wasn't finished. The staff would be surprised to say the least."
That miserable swine was laughing at me, I just knew it. He might have had a straight face but inside he was rolling around on the floor, clutching his sides and cackling his fool head off. Bastard, that was what he was.
"This is not funny," I told him.
"True. Discipline rarely is. You seem a little nervous about having me adjust your hormonal imbalance. Would you like me to page your boyfriend and have him come to the office? He'll probably be happy to oblige."