I clutched the steering wheel as I drove, above the speed limit, my knuckles white and my face feeling red and hot. There was no destination in mind, just driving for the sake of driving toward the abyss and feeling like nothing mattered. The radio was off and my mind was blank, I felt like I hadn't slept and had lived only off of caffeine for days. I needed something but the thought of food or coffee made me nauseous. I rummaged through my purse blindly, looking for the vape I hadn't touched in over a year. I put it to my lips and forcefully sucked, but nothing happened. Grunting loudly, I threw it on the floor of my SUV and drove faster. I saw a gas station in the distance and pressed the accelerator to the floor, hearing the engine roar and sound aggressive. My tires squealed as I turned and pulled into a space. Hearing the sound of my door slam behind me, I walked inside, grabbed the first lighter I saw and asked for a pack of cigarettes. As soon as my feet touched asphalt, I lit up for the first time in years. I watched the cigarette burn between my fingers for a minute or two before taking it with me and driving toward home. The only thought going through my head was "fuck it...fuck it all."
Earlier in the day, I had appeared in court for a divorce hearing with my pathetic, alcoholic, abusive now-ex-husband. He refused to work and now I had to pay him monthly to exist and to live with his little whore of a girlfriend. I was now in my 40s and not sure what to do with myself. Two of our three kids lived on their own and our youngest, Tyler had just turned 18. He is a wonderful boy and I love him dearly but he looks and often sounds a lot like his father. I was now single and carrying a little more weight, more grey hair and a lot more wrinkles than in my 20's. To say that I was feeling anxious would be an understatement.
I set my purse on the counter and changed into my frumpy mom-pajamas. I then spotted the cigarettes peeking out of my purse and decided to have one. What did it matter? I stepped outside and it was cold with frigid wind and quickly changed my mind. As I started to slide the cigarette back into the pack, I realized that this is now my house and I could do as I pleased. My ex husband would have thrown a fit or even hit me for smoking in the house, garage or car but he was now gone. Besides, everyone used to smoke inside. My parents did and I turned out just fine. Back when I was a smoker, I never had a cigarette anywhere near my kids but they are all adults now. My daughter smokes in her apartment and Tyler visits her regularly. I have never heard him complain. He might even smoke for all I know. It didn't matter anyway. In a moment of newly felt freedom and liberation, I sat on my chair and lit up.
A little while later, Tyler arrived at home and walked into the living room. He appeared annoyed and accusatory and I was in no mood for attitude after the day I had. "Are you smoking?" He asked with a whiny and pretentious tone.
"Not right now." I responded sarcastically.
He stomped back and forth like a child and groaned "Did you start smoking again? Are you seriously smoking in the house? This is my house too and I don't agree with this. Ugh!" I looked at my youngest flatly and said
"Tyler, this is my house and I make the rules. If a little smoke bothers you that much, you should go to the basement or to your room." He stomped to his room and slammed the door as I defiantly lit another cigarette. It felt good to assert myself, especially since his father used to yell at me and stomp around in much the same way.
About an hour later, Tyler came out of his room looking angry. He didn't say a word, he walked forcefully to me, snatched my cigarettes off of the side table, took them into the kitchen and stuffed them into the garbage disposal. Maybe it was the rough day or blatant act of disrespect in my own home but I decided 18 was not too old to receive a spanking. I am not a small woman and Tyler has never played sports or exercised. He has a small build and is no taller than I am. I was confident he could not stop me from imposing my will on him I got up from my chair and grabbed a wooden spoon from the counter.
I pointed it at him and with authority I didn't know I had, I commanded "Pants down! Now!"
Tyler froze and eked out "What? Mom?" I got louder and demanded
"Take them down or I will pull them down. Now!" He turned and pulled his pants down just enough to expose his navy blue underwear. "All the way. Underwear too, Mister!" I couldn't believe he obeyed me. I stepped forward and firmly bent him over the counter. Holding his upper body over the counter with one hand, I spanked him with the wooden spoon in the other. I must have swatted his bare ass 5 or 6 times.
I stopped, let him go and told him to pull himself together, I then went back to my chair. A few minutes later Tyler came in and apologized. I gave him a hug and kiss and told him he was loved and forgiven. To his surprise, I then told him he needed to go to the gas station and get me a pack of cigarettes to replace the ones he destroyed. I chuckled when he asked me for money and he despondently left. When he returned, I invited him to cuddle on the couch with me. He hadn't done that in years but got under a blanket and cuddled with his mother. It was very nice and I could have stayed that way all night. He didn't complain when I smoked and even giggled when I sarcastically asked him if he would like one.
Over the next few weeks, he would glare or occasionally produce a forced cough when I had a cigarette around him but I ignored his passive aggressive behavior. I had settled into 8-10 cigarettes per day which is about what I used to smoke. I guess I did start smoking again but would often smoke in the garage or outside and might have one or two per night inside my house. That didn't matter to me, I had quit before and felt I could again when I wanted to.
On what seemed like a random Tuesday, my ex husband's slimy lawyer called me and told me that the lawn mower belonged to my ex. He lives in an apartment and has no need for a mower and I thought we were finally finished with his petty games. He does these things just to infuriate me and it was working. I hung up on him and stormed into the garage, grabbed a hammer and stood over the damn lawn mower. I had enough control to not smash it, instead I set the hammer on the seat and went inside, seeing red the entire time.
Charged up, pissed off and frustrated, I sat next to Tyler and lit up a cigarette. He could not have picked a worse time to harass me. "Mom, are really going to sit right next to me and smoke? Seriously?!?" Something about the whiny tone of his voice enraged me. Before I knew it, I had pushed him onto his back and straddled him on the couch. My knees on his shoulders and my butt on his chest, I grunted and dominated him in one second.
As calmly as I could I said "I've had enough of your complaints. Would you like some?" I put my cigarette to his lips. His eyes were wider than I have ever seen and he didn't struggle.
He quietly said "No, thank you. I'm sorry Mom."
I asked "Are you sure. C'mon, be a big boy and try it." He shook his head and stared at me in disbelief. I took a long drag and, for the first time in his life, quietly blew my smoke at his skittish face.