Monogamy Yes Or No

She asked how I would feel about her having sex with other people. I asked what brought that on, and asked who she had in mind. "Nobody in particular," she said. "Just in general?" She went on to explain that her friend Carol had an open relationship. "It just sound kind of sensible, like logical, you know. I mean, why would it matter to a couple who love one another, who the other one has sex with. You know, monogamy is not the natural way in biology. I mean animals don't really mate for life. That's a myth manufactured by the Church.

I asked how she knew all this and she said she'd read most of it. "Some came from Carol," she admitted, "but a lot of it I've read lately. Like did you know that female seals mate with a different male every year?"

I shrugged and said we are not seals. "But we are animals, and you seem to ridicule the Church, religion in general. It is in the best interest of organized religion to keep people together, but biologically it helps humankind in general to keep the species alive to reproduce."

"But society seems to fall apart without a strong family unit. I think unchecked reproduction would throw things into chaos," I said.

"I don't mean unchecked reproduction, but possessiveness causes an awful lot of misery. Look at your mother and all the heart ache she's been through because of your father' possessiveness. Think of the divorce rate. If marriages are so necessary, why do so many people break up again and again? Wouldn't it be better to not have all the jealousy and bitterness that breakups cause? Think how much better it would be if we were just happy about the other person feeling pleasure. Wouldn't be better for one person to love the other one so much that they were able to not hold them so tight that it smothers them? I don't know," she said, "but I think it would be better not to feel you own the other person, but love them enough not to strangle them with your 'love' and let them experience things without you holding on so tight that they cannot be themselves."

"Wow, you've really thought this out," I said. "Do I seem to strangle you?" I asked.

"No, but that is why I asked you how you would feel. What if I decided I'd like to fuck somebody, would you be able just let me go have the pleasure I think I need?"

"Do you need some outside pleasure?" I asked.

"I don't know, but that is why I am asking. What if I do?" she said with a little bit of pleading in her voice. "What if I decide I do? Will that be all right with you?" We stood looking at one another for a few minutes. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if she was thinking she wanted someone else, and if she really was, could I be okay with it, or would that break us up?

"Tell me," I said. "Is there someone? Are you asking because there is someone you're interested in?"

"No," she said. "I'm just posing a question, but it is an important question for us to come to terms with. What if you do? What if I do? How will we know if we don't confront it before it happens? Isn't it better to know before, rather than wait until it is too late?"

"Let me turn it around on you, because maybe you are right. Maybe it is better to know than to find out we can't handle it. So, what if I find someone I want to have sex with. Could you handle that?"

She was quiet for a minute and I thought I had blown it, then she nodded and said, "That's right. I do have to think about that, and I have. I think having sex is not such a big deal. I think there are many more important things in life than who you fuck. I don't want to lose you, but to do that over sex sounds crazy. Yes, I have thought about that reality and I'm saying now that I would be crazy to lose you over you just wanting to fuck somebody. I'm saying I will do all I can to not screw things up for me by being so jealous and insecure that I would insist on fidelity over love. I promise I will not stand in the way, even if you want to leave. I love you enough to let go of you, to let you be happy, even if it is with someone else sexually."

"You have thought about it." She nodded her head. "I hope I can be that strong," I said. "I really hope you don't want someone else, but if you do, then I will try to be strong enough to resist jealous craziness. I promise you I will try."

"That's all we can do," she said, easily the more rational of the two of us. "There is no one who is presenting you with a challenge over me, but it happens and I want us prepared for it if it comes. You have friends you enjoy being with, although most of them are men, but you have friends who are women and you do enjoy things with them that do not include me. Isn't that right?"

I thought about it, thought of women who I actually call friends, and yes, she was right there are a few. Does it matter that the bond I feel with them doesn't involve sex? Would I be able to enjoy sex with them? And if I did, would it destroy the love I have for Claire? I don't think so. If I had sex with one of my women friends, and I honestly think I could, I don't think it would affect my feelings for the woman I love. If that is true, then it probably is true in the reverse. Claire could probably enjoy sex with someone else and not lose her feelings for me. Should my feelings for her change because she is able to enjoy sex with someone else? No, I don't think so. That, of course, is the crux of what she is asking. If I simply get angry because she poses the question, it probably proves the negative.

So let's see. What if she did say today she wants to fuck someone else, today, right now, wouldn't it be proving my insecurity to say she can't? Wouldn't it be making her hold to my desires to tell her I won't allow her to? Do I have the right to tell her I won't allow her to. It seems at this moment it is becoming clear that she has a right to her wants and desires. As I think about it, I realize I do not have that power or the will to tell her what she can and can't do.

I thought about it for a week, thinking of as many ramifications as I could. Finally, I came to a conclusion. That night in bed I announced my proposal. "What if we put it to the test?" I said. "Suppose you go on a date, and let us just see how I handle it. How about finding someone you enjoy and taking a chance on whether I can handle it or not? Let's give it a try. What do you think?"

She looked at me and nodded. "Just see how it goes?"

"That's it," I said. "Do a little science. Test it out. Let me see how I do."

"But it shouldn't be all on you," she said.

"No, but I'm the one with the most insecurity. I have thought about and I think you are right. We need to be able to handle the other person's pleasure. If we can't then we have to find ways to adjust, to cope. I do love you, and your pleasure is important to me. I need to see if it is important enough. I guess I really don't know." She kissed me and we hugged. "Who would you like to go out with?"

Without thinking too much she said, "Jake. I like Jake and if I could be attracted to anyone it would be Jake. That would probably be the best test for both of us." I held her close and we kissed again. It was maybe the best kiss we'd had in a long time.

"I actually feel better just saying all this," I said, feeling almost relieved at what we were going to do. She called Jake and explain as best she could what we were attempting. He had just come out of a relationship that did not turn out so well, so he said he completely understood what we wanted to do. He said it may be the most important thing for couples to find out about each other. They decided to go to a dance, and the thought nearly killed me, but it was the best choice, the best way to actually test the waters.

When Jake came to get her I was a nervous wreck. I watched him come up the walkway and nearly died, but when she left with him I felt a certain high that puzzled me. I felt panic and I felt a high all at the same time. I was surprisingly elated by seeing her go off with him, but it still tortured me to watch. I did wonder seriously if they would be having sex, but I told myself it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if it happened.

When she got back we did not talk about it until we went to bed. In bed I was dying to ask her the big question, so I just went for it. "Did you have sex with him?" That brought a smile to her lips.

"No," she said, "but we talked about it. Not like it was something we wanted, but like it was something people do, men and women, a possibility, but like it was a serious consideration, like what people actually do. We both said it would be something we acknowledge that we both would enjoy, but that it wasn't the goal here, it wasn't what we were looking for from this experiment, this social outing.

"Jake's wife had an affair," my wife told me, "and he had to come to grips with what he wanted most, a marriage or a pledge of fidelity. He said a husband and a lover get the same thing, part of the woman they share, but the husband feels he's lost something and the boyfriend feels he's getting something the other man doesn't have. Both are not necessarily wrong, but both may also be right. He said that he tried to put his wife's pleasure at the same level as his, but she decided she did not want the marriage enough to have both, so she decided to give up on one, the marriage."

I thought about what Jake had said. I did want my marriage to succeed, and I did want it enough to give the space she may need, if she did. "If you and Jake decide to have sex, I will be okay with it," I said, as much for me as for her.

"And if you decide you want to have sex with Wanda, or anyone else, then I am okay with that, too," she said. We went to sleep and in the morning I asked her if she thought she might want to have sex with Jake. "We'll see," she said. "We'll see."

When I left for work I had a strange excitement in me that I really didn't understand, but for a reason I am not sure about I felt good.