"Bev, sweetie, your portfolio is excellent. We both know that. However it does need to be expanded just a little bit. I've arranged with Jo to take some tasteful nude shots. They'll be all very artistic, nothing smutty or anything like that. Jo wants to drive you up to a site in the mountains. Terrific background and you'll be shown to your best."
I gave Terry the gimlet eye, waiting to see if he'd cringe and change his mind. He didn't so I was going to have to explain things to him. Terry is my agent and quite a good one. It was not my intention, though, to go out of my way to make him happy. As far as I was concerned I was the client and it was up to him to go out of his way to keep me happy. A happy me would be earning good money and Terry would be getting his cut.
"Terry, darling, are you out of your frigging mind? What on earth gave you the idea that I'd be willing to take off to parts unknown with some character I've never met just so I can strip and smile while he takes perverted pictures? You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'd probably end up dead and buried with terrific background marking my grave-site."
"Bev, baby, I would never put you in that position," Terry told me, looking suitably earnest. "Look, you know your portfolio needs a few extra shots and Jo's the best photographer I've got. The Jo is short for Josephine, by the way. She's as female as you are and no, she'd not gay, so you won't need to protect your virtue from her, either. Just give it some serious consideration. Look through that folder. It's some of her work and it will show what she'll expect from you."
A female photographer was a different matter. I could strip for a female photographer, depending on how good she was and what she expected. I opened the folder and started looking through her work. OK. I had to admit it. She was good and the photos were tasteful. They were art and didn't even come close to crossing the line into soft porn. Artistic I could do. I reluctantly agreed to go along with Terry's request.
That's how I came to find myself heading out into the wilds to have some photographs taken. I let Jo know how I felt about the whole thing and stressed how I expected her to be at the top of her game. I wasn't rude or nasty. I just let her know that as the model I was the main game and she was just the supporting cast and I expected proper support. You have to let people know where they stand or they try to take advantage of you.
Have you ever been in a car that's bouncing its way up a narrow mountain track? It's not fun, let me tell you. I certainly told Jo what I thought of her driving. I mean, really, where'd she get her licence? Probably purchased it on the internet. If there was a pot-hole or ditch that she missed it was only because she didn't see it. I could have driven better than that, even if I haven't got a licence yet. Next time I go for the test I'll get a male tester, one who won't deduct marks just because of one little accident.
We finally arrived at our destination. I had to admit that it was a charming spot. There was a nice little waterfall, a largish pond, a lot of tall trees and a grassy area. More importantly, there were no people around. I should be able to get some nice pictures taken here providing Jo does her part.
Jo assured me that because it was the middle of the day there wouldn't be any insects flying around. It seems they only come out at dusk and dawn. Also there were no fish in the pond so I needn't worry about being bitten by one. I asked her how she could be sure and she assured me that Terry had arranged for any fish to be transferred to another pond while I was there. I have to admit that the man's quite a good agent, always thinking ahead.
I undressed and started posing as Jo directed. Then I heard noises in the bush and almost wet myself, thinking instantly of bears or wolves. You never know what's out there in places like this. Fortunately it turned out that the place was part of a small animals' nature reserve and the only animals permitted were rabbits and squirrels. I hadn't even known that there was such a thing as a small animals' reserve until Jo told me about it, not that I let on I hadn't known. One doesn't want to appear ignorant, after all.
"Can you, for god's sake, smile a little?" Jo demanded.
"Why?" I asked her. "What difference does it make? It won't be my smile they're looking at."
"A smile changes the whole tone of the picture," Jo explained. "If you look happy the picture looks happy. If you look bored the picture looks bored, and right now half these shots are boring, so smile a little."
So I put on this great big smile and Jo said something rude. She may have said it quietly but I've got very good hearing. It comes with having perfect ears.
"What's wrong with my smile?" I demanded.
"Oh, nothing," Jo said quickly, "but it's not giving the effect I want. Um, can you pretend that you're smiling at your boyfriend?"
"I don't have a current boyfriend," I told her.
"Well, smile as though you're trying to attract one."
"I don't have to smile to attract them. As soon as they see me they're all around me."
"Well, pretend there're a dozen boys around you and you want to smile at one to let him know that you're interested in him."
"But I wouldn't smile at one. If I let a boy think I'm interested they'll want sex. I'd rather they work to attract me."
For some reason Jo was counting to herself. Again. I don't know why she does that when we're having a discussion. It's a really bad habit. I'll have to point that out to her sometime.
"Just pretend that you're trying to attract one man in particular. Give him a nice smile."
I shrugged and put on a nice smile.
"She said smile to attract a man. Not smile like a vampire ready to go for the jugular. Smiling like that will send a man into a lifetime of celibacy."
That comment came in a baritone and there was no way that was Jo's voice. I started at the sound of some man and almost disgraced myself by trying to cover everything up at once. I managed to not do more than twitch slightly. I mean, really, whoever the mountain hick was he'd already seen everything. He could continue looking and eat his heart out. It's not as though he could do anything with Jo right there, especially as she had a camera.
"I am smiling," I said through gritted teeth, "aren't I Jo, and you can just piss off, you pervert."
"Um, you're smiling," admitted Jo, "but it's not quite the look I want."
"She means that you look as though you're trying to smile with a mouth full of leprechaun piss," laughed the baritone, and this great lump stepped out from the trees near Jo, looking me over as he did so.
"Will you go away," Jo snapped at him. "I'm busy and you're disturbing my model. Listen, Bev, try smiling as though you're thanking someone for something. Try and ignore him."
"I don't need to try to ignore him," I told her. "He's not worth noticing. How's this?"
I changed my smile to a smile of gratitude and I could hear the camera clicking away.
"Is that gratitude or greed?" asked the lump. "From the look of you, probably greed. Do you thank them on your back?"
Really, that was going a bit far.
"I don't think my sex life has anything to do with you," I said cuttingly. "Just because you don't have one it doesn't give you the right to probe anyone else's."
"So you're saying you don't? Are you a virgin? Looking like that I must say I'll be surprised if you are."
"It's still none of your business. Will you just go away? If you must know I'm very selective. Jo, anything wrong with the way I'm smiling?"
"Ah, no, Bev, that's fine," she said quickly. "Ah, do you think you could look a bit passionate?"
I put a bit of passion into my smile. That damned oaf burst out laughing.
"You have the greatest range of faces," he called out. "Is that your constipated cow look?"
I gave him a concentrated fall-down-and-die-in-agony look which he just brushed off.
"Oh, that's better, Bev. Much better."
At least Jo seemed pleased and didn't even seem to notice when I turned the same look on her.
"I think your little photographer wants the sort of look you give the boy-friend when he's got you in bed," called out oaf-man.
What the hell did he mean by that? I didn't have a particular look for when I was in bed with a man, not that I was there all that often. The less the better as far as I was concerned.
"I take it from that blank look that all you do when a man beds you is to lie there and wait for him to finish," said oaf-man and I was left wondering what the hell he was on about. What else was I supposed to do?
