I don't know exactly when it started, but I've always been turned on by the thought of being taken against my will. I hated these thoughts! As any intelligent woman knows, the potential complications of being an unwilling partner are far and wide. He could impregnate you, hurt you, or even kill you after he's had his way with you.
I didn't seek such a dominant male that might have these tendencies when I chose my boyfriends. My current boyfriend, Daniel, is loving and kind. He respects my wishes in all aspects of life and we are truly equal partners, which, as a staunch feminist, is very important to me.
Our sex life is pretty vanilla, and most of the time, I enjoy that. When he wants to mate with me, he always asks me if I want to before he tries anything. He's done his research on how to pleasure a woman and will often go down on me for quite a while before he even thinks about getting any satisfaction for himself. It's amazing! He's an expert.
When we're doing the deed, he's even happy to use toys to stimulate me. That's rare. Most guys hate that, I've found.
Daniel is perfect in almost every way. I love him deeply and hope to marry him.
My only complaint with Daniel is that although I enjoy our vanilla mating sessions, I still get these intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I want Daniel to lose control and fuck me hard. But even when he's blackout drunk, he's still the kindest soul you'll ever meet, and still requires verbal confirmation that I am ready before he will enter me.
Daniel isn't the biggest or toughest man I've ever met, and that's one of the reasons why I enjoy being his partner. I feel safe when we are alone together.
At the same time, when we are out in public amongst other men, I sometimes do not feel safe. If push came to shove... well, if he were to have to fight another man, I'm not sure he'd win. We'll leave it at that.
I would consider myself to be pretty darn attractive. At least that's what the boys tell me. Handsome men of all ages will undress me with their eyes and sometimes stand very close to me, even when Daniel is present. Daniel seems to never notice when this happens. He's always laughing and filled with joy. He's a pure soul. I guess if you don't possess certain tendencies yourself, you don't notice them in other people.
For reasons I don't understand, when this happens, and another stronger man gets into my space, or gives me that look... my mind races.
Not all the time, though. If the guy is creepy, I just want him to go away.
But if he's tall, and his eyes are fierce and lustful, and I see that he's strong enough to push aside Daniel and take me, if he wanted to... you'll have to excuse me. I'm getting flustered just writing this. What the heck is wrong with me! Why do I have these desires? Humans aren't primal animals anymore. Are we?
And sometimes... I just want the strange man to do it, you know? Just disregard the rule of law and do whatever the hell he wants. These images will flash into my mind and I can't stop them.
Sometimes I even fantasize about the other man fighting Daniel and leaving him bloodied and unconscious on the ground while he has his way with me. Actually, most of the time I think about that. I hate that I do! But I do.
It's funny. Sometimes Daniel will ask me what's wrong when I get these thoughts. I usually tell him I don't know what he's talking about. He believes me.
I've thought about trying to talk to Daniel about it, but if you knew Daniel, you'd know he wasn't interested. I don't think he would respect me if I told him what I really wanted him to do to me. In private, he often makes jokes about the "manly men" who are compensating for their small penises. He constantly tells me how elegant and innocent I am. It's just... there's no way I could even start the conversation. Even if I could... I doubt he'd go for it... or be able to take me like I wanted him to. He'd probably dump me. It's not worth it. He has a good job and cares for me and that's that.
Just to be completely clear... 99% of the time, our relationship is perfect.
But I'm guessing you're not reading to hear about that...
Being a young couple, Daniel and I do not live together. We used to live in the same area of the city. Except, my asshole landlord decided to increase the rent by 20% out of the blue. He's so annoying! I can't stand him. He would sometimes come by the apartment to do stuff without giving me any notice. He's one of those big Eastern European men. You know, with the bad breath, the chest hair, the big beefy frame.
I usually hide in my room while he's here. Though, one time, I did think about it. I thought about him getting worked up from his manual labor and needing to release into a soft and supple woman like myself.
I had the thought and I frantically changed into some of my most revealing spandex and a push-up bra. I couldn't help it. I walked out into the kitchen and pretended I didn't know he was here. I let out a little yelp and told him that he had startled me. He didn't seem to care. The way his eyes were taking me in... oh my goodness. I left my door open when I went back to my room. Usually it's locked. I even laid back on the bed and spread my legs and started rubbing myself over the fabric of my pants. I was hoping he'd come in and see me and not be able to control his urges. The more I dated men like Daniel, the more these thoughts came to me.
But he didn't, of course. He finished fixing the sink and left. For most men, the potential societal repercussions are simply not worth it.
After my landlord left, I felt so ashamed and cried for hours. I canceled my evening plans with Daniel because I didn't know how I could face him after being so slutty for my brutish landlord.
I had been in that old apartment for a couple of years, and I had never really paid attention to rent prices of my city. But they had skyrocketed. I couldn't afford to live in the same area anymore. I told Daniel this and he offered to help me pay my rent. I got angry at him. How dare he. I could support myself.
I decided to move to a different area of the city. It wasn't the best area. I'm not sure what drew me to this new area in particular besides its low rent prices. I guess when I walked through it before, I had just liked the vibe. It wasn't as safe as my old area, but it had a lot of personality.
About a week after I moved in, I got home from work and wanted to go to the gym. But the gym was closed. Apparently they were renovating the bathrooms and it was illegal to open for business while that was going on. They posted a sign on the front door explaining it. So, I drove home and decided to go for a run instead.
It was around 8 PM at this point, so it was pretty dark out. Not as dark as the dead of night, but still, it was dark. I had gone for jogs at this time in my old area and never felt unsafe, so I didn't think twice about it.
As I stepped out, I realized there weren't very many streetlights in this area of the city. Usually I would have turned back, but I really needed to do some cardio, even if it was just down the block and back. I had been cooped up in meetings the entire day and I was about to burst.
I started to run and got about a half mile in before I started to feel something was very off. I hadn't really explored the area much. For the week I had lived here, I had went to work in the morning and stayed in at night. One time I did go out at night, but I took an Uber from my doorstep and met Daniel in the nicer part of the city.
The area I had ran to had barely any streetlights at all. I started to feel like I was in danger, even though there was nothing overt to signal that I was. I decided to turn back.
All of the sudden, I got that feeling in me again. That feeling of danger... of wanting to be in danger from strange and powerful men. Were men looking at their windows and checking me out, thinking about what they'd do to me? I hoped they were.
So I kept running. I couldn't stop myself. I pretended the men were leering at me and I wanted to make them lose control.
A car with a very loud muffler passed by me. I thought I sensed it slow down as it did. My heart raced and I suddenly felt more excited than I had ever felt in my entire life. Was it about to finally happen?
But I could have been imagining it. Maybe it didn't slow down. Maybe I was just a crazy horny bitch. Regardless, the car kept driving.
Nothing else happened for a few minutes, and the excited feeling I had eventually wore off. I turned around and ran back home.
As I was unlocking my door, I heard the same muffler again. But I didn't see the car. Perhaps I was imagining things. I unlocked the door and walked inside. Then I locked the door, secured the bolt, took a shower, poured a glass of wine, did a bit of reading, and fell asleep.
I woke up during the night, which was unusual for me. I usually only woke up when I had to pee, and I didn't have to pee.
As I gained consciousness, I heard a noise near the door. It was very scratchy. It sounded like someone was trying to put a key into the lock. I started getting frightened. I hadn't given anyone a copy of my key, though; so I stayed put. Maybe it was just the neighbors going into their apartment.
The sound continued and as I became more alert I realized that someone was trying to pick the lock open. I jumped out of bed, wearing just a large tshirt and my favorite pair of nighttime underwear that Daniel had purchased for me.
As I was walking over to the table to get my phone and call 911, the door clicked, and started to creak open. I froze like a deer in the headlights.
Someone was in the doorway pointing a flashlight into my apartment. I didn't move.
"There she is," I heard a voice say quietly. The tone was deep and baritone and I felt myself getting wet despite being frightened beyond belief.
