Am I ever going to get enough of this story theme? Probably not.
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"What do you mean, you're worried about messing up?"
Brooke said this, puzzled, as she looked at her friend. They were standing on the sidewalk that marked the boundary between campus and town, their poses and body language very much of the stereotypical, attractive young college women they were. Traffic was heavy, flowing past in a steady stream, and when the university shuttle bus pulled away from the curb near them both girls turned their heads to let the diesel smoke clear. Brooke stuck her tongue out in a mock gag. Why don't they make these electric already, she thought.
Olivia's face was scrunched up anxiously as usual and she was biting her lip. A cute girl, to be sure, dressed nicely in a light blue sweater and jeans, hands folded across her chest, backpack slung casually with a strap over one shoulder. Make-up on point. Brooke smiled to herself. From what she knew, Olivia's life was always one tiny step away from disaster--like the school assignments she never quite remembered or this doctor appointment she had made today at the very last minute before the deadline--but somehow she managed to put it all together with regard to her appearance.
Brooke looked again at her friend. It was a wonder. More than just put together, Olivia was quite a spectacular college beauty. Brooke herself was the other way around: sometimes it felt that she had everything under control except for the way she looked. She sighed. Maybe it was just about priorities. Did she care enough about what other people thought of her? Definitely not as much as Olivia did.
The street noises quieted enough for Olivia to answer.
"I don't know... I mean, I haven't been to the doctor since I was a little kid."
Brooke shook her head, confused. "Olivia. They're like your service provider. They're there to do a job for you. It's not a performance. There's nothing to mess up."
"I know." She blew out a puff of air from pursed lips. "It's just..."
"I have to run," Brooke interrupted. She loved her dear and closest friend, but at the moment there was no time to console her, to deal with her hesitation about life's routine duties, to comfort her, to help her get all her shit together. To tell her that everybody liked her and it was all going to be okay. That seemed to be Olivia's main worry, that she wouldn't do what people expected from her, and let somebody down.
And Brooke wanted to be supportive. But at the moment, she had a hundred other things to deal with in her own life. "Just go get it done, Liv. Then you'll have everything you need for the visa, right?"
"Yeah, I think." Olivia thought about her upcoming semester abroad, and all of the other paperwork that loomed in front of her. It all seemed too much. That caused her to think of a few more questions that she should ask Brooke.
But Brooke could see where this was going and cut her off.
"Olivia. Listen, you're fine. Go do this thing, get the papers signed, then get to your classes. I'll catch up with you tonight, okay? You can run through your checklist with me."
Brooke paused her pep talk and eyed her friend suspiciously. "You did make the checklist, right?"
"Yes..." Olivia said hesitantly, and not entirely truthfully.
"Good. See you then, girl."
And with a peck on Olivia's cheek Brooke turned away from her friend and began looking for a way to cross the four lanes of traffic to the Walgreens opposite them.
"I hope he's young and hot!" she said impulsively over her shoulder as she spotted a gap in the traffic.
"Who?" Olivia was confused.
"The doctor, silly." Then as she jumped into the street she yelled back, loudly, "The one who's going to check you out!"
"Brooke!" Olivia gasped in surprise, glancing around her to see who might have overheard her friend's bald remark. My God, Brooke was so dear to her but sometimes she was just too much! She could feel her face turning bright red and dropped her gaze to the ground to avoid eye contact with anyone. Slowly she felt herself calming down and looked back up.
Brooke was navigating the heavy foot traffic on the opposite sidewalk and then disappeared into the store with a simple wave back to her. A melancholy feeling swept over Olivia suddenly. She hated saying goodbye to anyone she loved--and she loved people deeply--to be left by herself to grapple with the big world and her own direction in it, or lack of direction as was typical in her case.
People all around were bustling to and fro on their own business. They all seemed so purposeful. To her, everyone else always seemed to know exactly what they were doing with all of their own affairs of their busy lives, and she felt that familiar sense of loneliness rise up within her. A longing to be with people who cared about her and gave her a sense of place. To have a belonging.
She liked being with people. She was really good at people. Understanding what they wanted. How to behave in order to make them feel comfortable with her, how to fit in. Taking pleasure in acting an appropriate role, in the role expected of her.
She wasn't a person with a strong sense of individual drive and action, and wondered how many of the people rushing around her with those serious, intent faces actually felt like she did inside, or if she was the only one who felt confused and without a strong internal compass.
A man strode directly towards her; early 40's with a neatly trimmed haircut and beard, carrying a briefcase. Attractive. Now here was a man who seemed to have just such an internal compass that she was thinking she lacked. He wasn't any regular college boy.
She imagined that he was a professor. She liked the way his face told the world that he was important, serious, and intelligent, but still friendly. A man like that could hold her in his arms and adore her, tell her she was beautiful and that she was all that he needed. He would run his fingers through her hair, touch her forehead, and fall completely in love with her.
She would trust a man like that. And she would obey him, please him. Fantasies of submission gave her a warm feeling inside. On the surface it meant giving up power, doing what the other wanted, but in a deeper way it gave her power of a sort, because he would need her so badly and she would grant him the gift of obeying him. That shifted some of the control to her, didn't it? She liked to believe this, anyway. It was a thrill she didn't experience in real life, only in fantasy. But it was a powerful fantasy for her.
The professor gave her an appreciative glance as he passed, first at her face and then involuntarily down to take in her figure. Her heart quickened and her mind wandered. What if she was that professors' wife?
He'd be famous and giving the keynote speech at the international symposium with attendees having traveled from around the world to hear him. From the front row they would sit and listen and their respect for him would be visible on their faces, and afterwards when they crowded him and demanded his individual attention, he would say firmly, Gentlemen, I would love to stay and talk with you about the latest research in titanium oxides but I must go back to office now to fuck my wife; I've been waiting all day for it.