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All thanks goes to Izabella for editing this series!
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20th December 2008, 9.30 PM, living room.
I must be strong. I must not give in to this whole crap thing called MARKING. I've... well, I have to admit that I've gotten dreams of us becoming one and each time, the dreams become much more addictive and seductive.
My wolf was in pure agony. I could feel it. Burning right into my deepest core but I'm sorry, wolf, I will not give in my remaining free will.
I will not surrender.
Whenever the call become close for me to lose it, I broke into a run and phase into my wolf form. I sprinted as far as I can go. I filled my mind with a lot of unrelated things like how I'm going to catch that bird flying above the sky or even how I'm going to leap from one boulder to another.
All those random thoughts.
Alven helped me by running by my side. He needed the run as well. He was confused with himself already. He had this fear that he might have lost what was there waiting for him all along and he was afraid to admit or even find out what he had lost.
Which I must say, make sense, in a weird way.
Because, if the situation was reversed, I'd want to save myself the regret of losing something that was important to me but I had failed to see it in the first place. So, I totally understood why Alven was behaving like this.
Mom and Dad are a bit upset with me, I suppose. They didn't like my being too stubborn. "You brought this problem to yourself," Dad had told me earlier, Mom just looked at me, knowing that Dad will surely bring whatever things she'd wanted to say in full blast, "When that boy come for dinner tomorrow night, you will come and join us."
THAT BOY! Ugh, so Dad's goanna try and play matchmaker is it? Well, two can play the same game! I don't want to stand so close to Maxwell!
I'm afraid that I might lose it. I mean, what if I can't hold my desires when he's standing so seductively close??
Sigh. I'm such a coward. I keep on using the MARKING excuse to get away from him. I just... Sigh, what if seeing him again will make me fall in love with him all over again and at the same time, my heart would break?
I just don't know how I'm going to do this. I guess, running is probably the safest and most coward choice ever. Mom and Dad can force me as much as they want and I'll play along but when that DINNER come and THAT BOY is here, I'll go out from the back door and RUN!
Who says I should play fair?
Avvie
From Carinelle Hynes Thorn's diary:
20th December 2008, 11.30 PM, balcony.
I haven't seen Samuel for five days now. Sigh. How am I going to make up for this? Is there any other way than to surrender and bite him?
Is that my only choice? Give in and bite?
Sigh.
I know that I'm being stupid, reckless and selfish. The only victim here is just Samuel. I'm the one who dragged him into this mess in the first place.
It's kind of sad really. I mean, the situation I am in now. I feel so lonely and alone. The other wolves that have mated didn't have this kind of problem. They are so in love and peaceful with one another that it made my heart bled to think that I won't probably ever going to have a chance of ever feeling that.
Mom and Dad, for example, they've gone through such a huge obstacle and tests in their lives but at least they have each other. The love they felt for one another was enough to last them.
I want a love like that. I want to wake up every morning and stare into the eyes of the man I love.
Sigh.
Sadly that can never happen now.
It was entirely my fault. I was just too rash in making the decision of agreeing to mate with Samuel in the first place. I was hurt. I was lost.
And oh, I really should stop making excuses for myself.
Bottom line is that, this was my fault to begin with and so, I shall suffer for life but that doesn't mean that I'd want Samuel to suffer with me... Forgive me...
Forgive me, my dear mate, for breaking your heart. I promise you, I will love you. I will learn. I will complete the ritual...
Just bear with me. Give me time. Forgive me...