Full Interface

"My God, what's he doing?" Riker reached out to touch Data's shoulder, and an intense flare of light momentarily blinded everyone in the hall outside the Computer Main Core Access. There was a thump, and when Picard's vision cleared he saw his first officer laying on the corridor floor, a grimace of pain on his chiseled features.

Picard and Riker had been reviewing the Enterprise's mission schedule as they toured the Engineering section of the massive starship. Suddenly the wall speakers, the comm badges, and seemingly even the hull of the huge ship itself emitted a long, rapturous moan. Picard and Riker looked at each other, astonished, then Riker's hand flashed to his comm badge.

"Computer, what was that noise?" he asked, frowning.

"Oh, yes, more . . . " echoed from the badge. Riker's frown metamorphosed to concern, and he and the Captain set off at a run for the Computer Main Core.

When they arrived at the normally sealed doorway they found Wesley Crusher standing just outside it blushing furiously. Geordi LaForge was leaning partly through the doorway, staring with dismay into the small room that held the primary interface with the Enterprise' Main Computer Core. Riker stepped in front of the door and gasped; Picard, looking over his shoulder, said, "What in the world . . . "

Riker stepped into the room and laid his hand on Data's shoulder, with blinding results. The flare of energy threw him backward, bouncing him off the far corridor wall. He fell at Picard's feet, grasping his singed hand and grimacing with pain.

"What is going on here?" Picard thundered, spots from the energy burst dancing before his eyes.

"Medical, send a doctor to the Main Computer Core access, Engineering level three. First Officer Riker is injured."

The wall speakers and comm badges were still moaning, and the captain realized that his request for medical assistance probably hadn't been transmitted. "Mr. LaForge, what is going on here?"

Geordi gulped, still staring in utter fascination at what the android Second Officer was doing to the computer.

"I--well, Captain, Wesley and I were notified by one of the crew that Data was seen walking this way with an unusually abstracted look on his face and no clothes on. The crewperson told us he was, ummm, erect, you know? We tried to catch him, but he got in here before we could stop him.

"And the rest, well, you can see for yourself." Geordi indicated the computer access room, where the android science officer was pressed against the far wall, his hips working rhythmically back and forth.

"He's--well, sorry, sir, but he's fucking the computer!"

Riker pulled himself to his feet, still holding his flash-burned hand. "But why? Half the women on this ship would gladly go to bed with him, most of the other half already have, and they swoon about it to each other whenever they get the chance."

Wesley sank down onto the deck and put his face in his hands. "Does he ejaculate?" the young man asked muffledly.

"What does that matter..." Picard began, then stopped to reflect. "Oh. Yes, I imagine that could be a problem. What will happen if he does, Mr. LaForge?"

"Umm, if the composition of his ejaculate is the same as a human male, let me see..."

Geordie looked abstracted himself for a moment, then laughed. "Nothing, Captain. The universal probe interfaces are designed to be physically separate from the main system. There may be some strictly local shorting, but nothing the security overrides can't isolate the core from. I hope Data's insulated, though."

The three men heard a sound suspiciously like a giggle from Wesley, who still had his face buried in his hands. "Is there any way we can interrupt this before then, Mr. LaForge?" Picard asked, hearing the moaning from the computer accelerate.

"Not anything I'd care to try, Captain. You saw what happened to Commander Riker, and I'd hate to activate a higher level of internal security. Besides, I think it's about to. . ." The speakers wailed, gasped, and subsided. In the room, Data had pressed his hips firmly forward, and was shuddering while arcs crackled from his skin to the metal surfaces immediately around him. He gasped once, again, and then fell stiffly backwards, landing on the deck with a thump.

Captain Picard looked from the computer matching interface in the far wall to his Second Officer, laying on the floor with an obscenely satisfied smile on his usually placid gold face. He looked back at the computer, noticing that there were still small arcs occasionally visible inside the interface socket and frowned.

"Mr. Data, I'll see you in my ready room just as soon as you're back in uniform. Fifteen minutes, at the most." He glanced at Riker, who was still cradling his burned hand. "Can you make it to Medical on your own, Number One?"

"No problem, Sir. Do you think he heard you? That was some heavy arcing there at the finish."

Picard raised one eyebrow slightly. "Mr. Data, are you capable of verbal response?"

A voice from the vicinity of the floor replied, "Eminently, Captain."

"Did you understand my last command to you?"

"You stated that you would see me in your ready room, in uniform, in no more than fifteen minutes. Counting down from the moment you finished speaking, that leaves me thirteen minutes, twenty-two seconds and counting."

Picard shook his head, watching Riker try to hide a smirk and fail miserably. "Does that answer your question, Number One?"

"Admirably, Captain. I'm heading to sickbay, and with a little luck they'll have me patched up in time to listen to his explanation. If you don't mind, that is?"

"No, not at all." Picard sighed heavily and turned to go. "And the worst thing about the whole situation is that he probably has one."

Riker stepped onto the bridge as soon as the turbolift doors opened, slightly out of breath and hoping he wasn't too late. He slowed when he saw Data walking toward the ready room door and called out, "Mr. Data."

Data paused and then turned. "Yes, Commander Riker?"

"Are we on time?"

"If you are asking if I am complying with the Captain's command, the answer is that I still have thirty-seven seconds to report to him as ordered. I presume you will be present."

"An excellent presumption, Mr. Data. I wouldn't miss this for my next promotion."

Smirking, Commander Riker motioned the android to precede him, and Data turned and knocked on the door of the ready room.

"Come," came the expected response through the door, and it whisked open. Data entered, followed by Riker, who stepped past the android and took up a position beside the Captain's desk.

Picard had regained what little composure he might have lost and was sitting calmly, considering what he wanted to ask first. Finally he asked, "Commander Data, are you functioning properly?"

"Are you speaking literally or metaphorically, Captain?"

"Mmmm, both, I believe. That was quite a display you put on in the computer core."

"It was not meant to be a public display, Sir. And in answer to your first question, I am physically functioning at 99.99+% efficiency, and believe myself to be functioning properly in an ethical sense as well."

"Yes, indeed. And do you have a logical explanation for what occurred?"

Data regarded Mr. Riker, who was trying hard not to smirk at him from his position beside the Captain's desk and nearly succeeding. "Yes, Sir, I do."

Picard waited patiently for a few moments, and it became obvious that Data was not going to say anything further unless prompted, an unusual occurrence for the normally garrulous android officer. "And would you mind sharing that explanation with us?"

Data frowned slightly. "I am not at all certain that you will accept my explanation with aplomb, and am afraid that my logic chain may indeed cause you some mental and emotional distress. Are you certain you wish me to elucidate further?"

"Mr. Data, I assure you that I would not miss your elucidation on this subject for the world. And furthermore, I will attempt to view your explanation with all the aplomb I can muster, and will forgive you in advance for any emotional distress you may cause me." Picard smiled at the android, and finished, "You may remember that I have dealt with your causing me emotional distress on many levels in the past."

Data's frown smoothed away. "Absolutely correct, Captain. My recent experiment with the computer stems from an ethical dilemma I have been considering as of late, and seems to be a solution, or at least a partial one. I discovered that dreaming actually increased my efficiency by nearly 3/10000 of a percent, and then found that indulging in sexual relations increased my efficiency even more." Data cocked one eyebrow at Riker, who was no longer even attempting to conceal his smirk, and continued. "These findings were in line with information I was given by some of my fellow officers, and for a time I experimented freely with willing crewpersons of all sexes."

Picard sat up straighter in his chair and interrupted. "Mr. Data, exactly what do you mean by that?"

Data answered imperturbably. "I found no reason to confine my experimentation to human females, or even humans. Several of the alien crewpersons are reasonably compatible with my sexual organs, and most of them that I approached were fascinated by the opportunity to experiment. However, this sexual experimentation led to my ethical dilemma."

"And what, exactly, was that?" Riker asked, his grin threatening to split his face apart.

"Why, stated simply, I realized that I was engaged in a type of bestiality."

"What?" Picard came halfway out of his chair, then sank back down. "Would you mind explaining that?" His tone was much more reasonable this time, not the command-voice thunder the first question had been.

"Certainly, Sir," Data replied. "The textbook definition of bestiality is sexual congress with a lesser form of life. Taking into account my enhanced capabilities, both mental and physical, I realized that sexual congress with any of the crew of the Enterprise constituted actual, if not legal, bestiality.

"Therefore, I was at a loss as to what to do to keep my efficiency at maximum. Then I realized that I was in daily contact with one entity that was my mental equal, and in some ways my physical superior."

"The Enterprise herself!" breathed Riker, his amusement forgotten momentarily.

"Precisely, sir. And so I determined that I could physically access the main core through one of the universal probe interfaces, went to the Main Core access, and asked the computer if it would like to have sex with me."

Riker snorted, his smirk back in full force. Picard glanced disapprovingly at his second in command, then turned his attention back to Data. "I presume from what we witnessed that the computer's answer was affirmative."

"Yes, indeed, Captain.

"I am not a rapist!" Data managed, for just a moment, to look properly offended.

"I never believed you were. And what were the results of this--experiment?"

"If he says he's in love, I'm going to throw up," Riker muttered at a volume that made the comment just barely distinguishable.

Picard and Data both ignored him. "The results were salutary, Captain. I am operating, as I previously mentioned, at maximum efficiency. The main computer as well has shown an increase in efficiency of nearly three percent. I was gratified that everything worked out so well. Indeed, there is only one small problem."

Picard raised one eyebrow. "And that is?"

With his normal deadpan demeanor, Data replied. "I have determined that the main computer, which as you know was programmed by the Betans, is a pervert. She enjoyed what we did so much that now she wants to experiment as well, and my arguments about bestiality did not sway her in the slightest."

Picard's eyes widened. "What exactly are you saying, Mr. Data?"

"I am very much afraid, sir," Data said, looking from Picard to the man standing behind him, "that the ship's Computer wants to fuck Commander Riker next!"