The Truth About Mermaids

You've all seen the movies and countless other stories about mermaids. And you you've probably dismissed them as folklore; a sailor's fantasy and nothing more.

Forget all that. Mermaids exist. There aren't many, but they're definitely out there. There are a lot of common misconceptions about mermaids (well, merpeople), so before we get much further we need to get a few things clear.

First of all, mermaids HATE cold water. I don't know what all those European sailors were thinking, but the only place you'll ever find a mermaid is in the tropics. They love to be warm. They love being in the sun, unless it means they might be seen by humans. They'll often find a small, uninhabited island, and lie nude in the warm sand. Wriggling up onto the shore is no problem for a mermaid, since they are very physically fit. There's no such thing as a fat mermaid, or one that's out of shape. Besides, a mermaid who was slow or unfit would be eaten by a shark... duh.

Secondly, merpeople, just like humans, come in all races. The stereotypical blonde mermaid sitting on a rock and singing... it's bullshit. Many are readheaded or brunette. Many would appear to be Latina, Asian, or Black... if in fact they were human. The merpeople don't see themselves in terms of race or color. They're not nearly as fickle, in that sense, as humans are. In fact, many merpeople hate humans for their racism.

Still, many humans are admired. Those who are young and beautiful are viewed from afar. Merpeople do not begrudge humans for eating fish... after all, merpeople themselves eat thousands of fish each year. (Hey, like I said, this ain't no movie.) Once in a while, a mermaid will approach a single human in a boat or on a beach... which usually results in one of two things. Either the human will see the mermaid and report it later (of course, nobody ever believes in mermaid sightings), or the human will attempt to begin foreplay or intercourse with the mermaid. Unfortunately, many humans drown each year due to attempted intercourse with merpeople...

Little is known about the sexual practices or biology of the merpeople. Merpeople seldom wear any sort of clothing, although virgin mermaids usually wear some sort of breast-covering. These can be clamshells, coconut shells, seaweed, practically anything available. Some have even been seen wearing human braziers and bikini tops, usually those washed into the ocean from nude beaches, or taken from drowning victims. Merpeople live in matriarchal societies, where the women dominate the culture; it is therefore acceptable to refer to merpeople of both sexes collectively as "mermaids."

The body of a mermaid does NOT feature a perfect half-and-half seam at the waist. The scales of the fish tail sometimes go all the way up to the nipples of both males and females in the species. In others, the fish scales cease at the hips or belly. (Mermaids do not have belly buttons.) The fish tails come in different colors - often gray or dark green - though some have almost a pinkish hue. The bottom fin of a merperson can extend to a width of five feet in males, six feet in females. A larger fin is considered sexually attractive in both sexes. Mermaids do grow large breasts which give milk constantly from the age of eleven or twelve... mermaid's milk, in seawater, appears clear and tastes sweeter than most other forms of milk. It cannot easily be seen by the naked eye. Only when a mermaid is outside of the ocean can its milk be seen. Under these conditions, the milk appears white in color.

It is believed, though it has never been confirmed, that merpeople have sexual organs compatible with fish and humans. Mermen, however, have rather small organs, which actually are concealed within their scaly tails for most of their lives. According to legend, mermen tend only to become aroused two or three times per year, at which point a small shaft reveals itself from the tail in the "crotch" area. The testicles (of which mermen have four) remain inside the tail at all times. The shaft of the penis is scaly and seldom reaches more than four inches in length. Because of the small size of the merman's penis and the relative infrequency of sexual arousal, the female mermaid is by far the more sexual of the species. A female mermaid has two means of reproduction; an egg sac in the back of the tail and a small vagina in the front. Both are well-concealed but accessible if you know what you're doing. Eggs can be released for indirect fertilization (mermaids release eggs about every six weeks). A mermaid's vagina does not menstruate... its egg sac is the part that goes through cycles. The vagina is mainly for live birthing, which is rare among merpeople but not unprecedented. The entrance to the vagina is scaled, but once inside it is warm, smooth, and fleshy. The mermaid vagina has a natural lubricant known as "mergel," which allows the easy penetration of a penis. Mergel also has the unique property of being rich in oxygen... a large dose of mergel, therefore, can keep a human alive underwater for up to 36 hours.

Since most mermen have small shafts, mermaid vaginas are small, and always seem tight to humans. No hair grows on a mermaid's vagina, or anywhere else on her body other than eyebrows, eyelashes, and their long manes. When sexually aroused, mermaids often experience temporary enlargement of the breasts (due to rapid production of mermaid's milk). This enlargement is proportionate to the sexual arousal of the mermaid and provides visual evidence of her pleasure. (Mermaids cannot fake orgasms because of this display.) Sometimes the breasts of a mermaid become so large that they actually become floatation devices... mermaids engaged in really good sex can float, tit-first, to the surface of the water! This has led to the use of the mermaid slang phrases "a float," which refers to a really good fuck, and "tit-growing," which refers to a really sexually attractive person (or mer-person). A mermaid might say to a friend, "I wish that tit-grower would float me to the top."

Homosexual activity and masturbation are frequent among mermaids, though mermen, again, are sexually dormant for much of the year. (This explains the low mermaid population... only a few hundred are believed to exist!) Most mermaids are bisexual, uninhibited, and willingly particiate in orgies. It is not that unusual to see seven, eight, nine, or ten mermaids all stimulating each other without a merman in sight. Mermaids need sexual stimulation about three or four times as much as a normal human female and there are no social taboos about public orgies.

There are, however, taboos about sex with humans. No self-respecting mermaid would ever speak of sex with a human, although it is certainly the ultimate mermaid fantasy. It is simply not discussed. While only a few dozen humans have ever been able to successfully "float" a mermaid, humans are notoriously good at sex. Most mermaids fantasize about a human penis, which is considered large even at just five inches. However, due to the sexual enthusiasm and impatience of a human male, most die from drowning before they are able to mate with a mermaid. Mermaids are also shy by nature and do not approach humans, instead choosing to sun themselves on isolated and uninhabitable stretches of land, often no larger than a sandbar.

Merpeople are unable to change into human form. They do not practice magic or witchcraft. They are no more magical than you or me; limited only to what their physiology allows them to do. The typical lifespan of a mermaid is 55 years. Mermen reach puberty at age 14 with their first ejaculation, mermaids reach puberty at age 11 or 12 with either their first egg drop (from their rear egg sac, located just south of the anus), or their first milking. Mermaids milk themselves by stroking their breasts or having some other merperson drink the milk from their nipples. This creates some sexual pleasure but also relieves the mermaid of the pain of a severe milk buildup. Mermaids lactate approximately once per week or whenever sexually aroused; the production of milk has nothing to do with childbirth but young merchildrenn find the milk nutritious.

More will follow about the existence of mermaids. Recently discovered documents reveal the first known record of a human having sex with an actual mermaid... there is also an interview with a mermaid and tales of other mermaid sexual acts. We hope you've enjoyed this sneak peek into the lives of mermaids.