"Tell me why you don't want to sire this beautiful lady."
My best friend, David, had shown up unannounced while I was talking to my girlfriend, Elizabeth. Well, I wasn't so much talking to Elizabeth as much as I was pouring my heart out to her. Elizabeth wanted to become a vampire, but I didn't want her to regret giving up her humanity the way I had, and I was prepared to bare my soul to change her mind.
Elizabeth listened to my story with love and without judgment, but she still wanted me to make her a vampire. And David, who is also a vampire, was clearly on her side, especially since he seems to enjoy siring every guy that makes him cum.
I sighed in frustration.
"When I was newly sired, I had a very ugly, difficult time. I don't want Elizabeth to have to go through any of that."
David laughed.
"Oh, YOU had a hard time. Let me tell you what it was like being a slave in Louisiana in 1780!"
I rolled my eyes.
"Oh, now you're going to roll your eyes at me, bitch?" He turned to Elizabeth. "Do you see the kind of attitude I have to put up with?"
The minute his eyes met Elizabeth's, they both collapsed in laughter at my expense.
"God damn it. Okay, you had a more difficult time then I did, and it stayed bad until pretty much the last fifty years or so," I said.
David looked indignant. "The last fifty years or so?" he said, deploying air quotes. "Try every fucking day until very recently, and most of the time it's only slightly less shitty."
This was not going the way I wanted it to.
David took a sip on his bag of blood and looked at me for a long time, then he dropped his shoulders.
"I'm sorry. I know you've had a lot of trauma. I always figured that's why you don't talk about your past very much."
Elizabeth looked at him.
"Stosh hasn't talked about his past with you?"
David smiled at her. "No. But we all have bad stuff in our past. Vampires, I mean. I always figured he would tell me what happened when he was ready to talk about it."
Elizabeth gave him a slight smile. "Okay."
"That's the thing with us, Elizabeth. We all go through nightmares if we live long enough, and you learn not to compare what you've been through with what somebody else has been through. One man's hell is another man's walk in the park. It's just easier to forget, or at least try to forget. And I think that's what Stosh has been doing."
"I have," I said. David acknowledged me with a nod.
"It's okay, brother. It's your story, you tell it how you need to tell it when you need to tell it. Okay?"
I smiled. There's a reason David is my best friend, and it's not just because I've known him since before the American Civil War.
We were silent for a while, watching the fire. Finally, Elizabeth spoke.
"Stosh told me what happened with your boyfriend. I guess things didn't go so smoothly when you were out of town," she said.
David chuckled. "Yeah, you could say that."
"So, what happened?" Elizabeth asked.
"Well, other than him trying to kill me?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Stosh and I had him restrained in the trunk of Stosh's car with silver chains. I had planned to kill him and drop his body in the swamps, where the alligators and other animals would eat it. I didn't want to take the chance on moving him out of Stosh's trunk, so I just took his keys and started to drive south. Everything was fine until I got near Waycross."
He took a big drink from his bag of blood and looked at me.
"I didn't know that your backseats fold down from inside the trunk," he said, chuckling.
I hit my forehead with my hand.
"Shit. The car was designed to do that for extra storage. I should have remembered that. I'm sorry."
"Does this mean I don't have to replace your car?" He asked, with a big grin.
"Yeah, I'm not letting you off the hook for that one," I responded, with a wink.
I thought back to when David and I put Marcus in the trunk. "Wait! We put silver chains on him before you left! How did he get them off?"
David was openly laughing now. "Fuck, I don't know. I didn't have time to ask! I was about 10 miles out of Waycross when he took a chain and wrapped it around my throat from the backseat. I drove right off the damn road."
"Jesus," Elizabeth said.
"Yeah, I managed to hold him off until I could get out into the woods, but I steered us right into a tree and the car blew up."
"Wow," Elizabeth and I both said at the same time.
"That crazy bastard was still trying to kill me, so I shoved him into the car fire."
Elizabeth's eyes got really big. "So, did that kill him?"
David laughed. "Fuck no! He was still trying to get out, but I managed to cut his head off and threw it in the nearest pond marked, 'No swimming -- Alligators'."
By this point, we were laughing so hard we both had tears in our eyes.
"Wow! Why didn't you call me?"
"I didn't have my wallet or my cell phone. It's not like I had time to get anything out of the car."
Elizabeth asked, "So how'd you get back here? Did you hitchhike?"
David smiled, and said, in a slightly condescending tone, "No, sweetie, nobody is going to pick up a black hitchhiker in south Georgia at night, especially when he looks like he just escaped a fire."
Elizabeth nodded, "Well, I guess that makes sense."
"I had no other option but to fly here."
Elizabeth's eyes got big again. "Really? You can fly? Can Stosh fly too?"
David managed to hold his composure for longer than I did, but after a few seconds, we both burst out laughing.
"Vampires don't fly. But we can run very fast. I think that's how David got back here. Right?"
David nodded. "Yes. It's also why my shoes look like hell."
Elizabeth looked disappointed. "Oh."
David turned to me and said, "PowinieneΕ zatrzymaΔ ten!"
I nodded. "Postaram," I smiled.
Elizabeth frowned. "Hey! No fair speaking a language I don't understand in front of me."
David grinned at her. "I told him he should keep you, and he said he'd try."
Elizabeth nodded. "Okay. That was Polish, not Russian, right?"
"Yes, it was. Good ear!" David said.
Elizabeth blushed. "I was told how much it pisses Russians off to have their language confused with Polish."
"She met Dmitri," I explained.
David laughed. "Russians are weird about their language, and dogs are weird about... well, a lot of shit. So since Dmitri is a Russian AND a dog, he has a double-dose of weird."
I felt compelled to stand up for my friend. "Hey, don't call him a dog. That's not good."
David sighed. "Okay, okay. He's not a dog. But he is a jackass."