Astrid in Love
Free the Dancing Llamas
Chapter 9: Guilt
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Caius had always been the kind of man to stand by his word, If he promised he'd do something - it didn't matter to who - then he would do everything in his power to do it. Even at great personal cost.
Even.
At.
Great.
Personal.
Cost.
Especially when it came to his clan. The Melbourne wolves clan was everything to him, had been there for him always. They were his brothers and sisters perhaps not in the blood sense but in every other way, and they had done so much for him throughout his life. So, when the opportunity had finally come where he felt like he could really pay them back, really help in keeping them safe. Well, Caius had taken it.
Without question, without thought, Caius had jumped at the chance to help with the clan.
He just didn't realise he'd come to regret it so much.
He just didn't realise that there were some things that were stronger than the clan.
And it was a shame that he'd only realised too late, because
it
had happened - Caius had done it finally.
He had managed sex with Vanessa, and he'd everything but cum. Truly, he'd managed to get it up, gotten in there, kept going and going and going. Nothing would come out, no release. But it had been sex. And at least it was progress and had pleased the wolf queen, even if it hadn't resulted in the spilling of seed.
He'd tried everything he could to let go, most of it involved picturing Astrid beneath him instead of Vanessa. But nothing. His wolf had gone suspiciously quiet throughout the whole ordeal as well and Caius had a feeling he'd seriously pissed off the beast which was never a good thing.
So he'd done it. Mostly. And now?
Now, Caius sat on his bed, looking at his hands and resisting the urge to rip out his own damned heart.
He should have felt ecstatic - he'd managed to start fulfilling his clan's promise.
Ok, Vanessa wasn't pregnant, because well, that needed to involve his seaman, but maybe if he kept trying, kept away from Astrid, he'd be able to perform his duty. He knew he'd done well for his clan tonight, but yet all that burned through him was misery and shame.
And disgust. So much disgust he didn't know if he'd ever be able to look at himself in the mirror again. Actually, he's smashed his mirror as soon as he'd returned to his room from Vanessa. It had shattered so easily beneath his fist. Which was also another poor choice, because if you believed in superstitions then he just gave himself a whole seven years of bad luck. And really, hadn't this year been
enough
?
It wasn't like the sex had been bad, actually all things considered, it'd been pretty good in the physical sense. But it just hadn't felt
right
, it hadn't been with the
right
person, and Caius wondered if that was why the last part of his body hadn't been able to let go. If Vanessa had truly been his mate wouldn't it have been easy? The way the other mated werewolves spoke in his clans, they'd had no problem when they'd found their mate.
Although, those wolves had been given a choice to find their mate. Caius, had kind of been pushed towards Vanessa and was
told
she was his mate. That was not how it was supposed to work. He knew that, but he'd ignored that little detail and told himself that for his clan he could do it.
Because finding one's mate was a statistical anomaly, even with wolves.
Either way, the guilt was huge, it circulated through him unyielding, pounding against his brain. He felt like he'd betrayed Astrid, which was a ridiculous thought, because nothing was going on with him and Astrid. She had told him so many times that she wasn't interested in him except to occasionally blow off some steam.
So why feel guilty? Astrid had made it perfectly clear that she was only interested in sex, nothing more. She didn't feel
anything
for him. Right?
So why did it feel like cheating? Why did it feel like he'd just betrayed the most important person in his life? Why did it feel like he'd just committed the most heinous crime?
The only thing worse than the idea of having betrayed Astrid was the idea of her finding out. Caius didn't know why, but the sinking feeling in his stomach told him that she would be devastated.
Because...because...
oh hell!
Caius knew in the depths of his god-damned soul that Astrid was his mate. He didn't need his wolf yipping at him twenty-four hours, seven days a week to figure it out. And surely she knew that too? It was a chance so unlikely; that when two convergent souls finally united in the universe that both parties should evidently know. There was no way in hell she didn't at least feel the pull.
It'd been like that from the very beginning, from the very moment he'd seen her. The very reason he'd even come out to talk to her was the incessant feeling that he
should
.
And when he'd gone to her room that first time? Watched her pleasure herself in the bathtub? The pull had brought him there too, had told him to seek her out. He'd thought it had been some weird magic. But it hadn't, it'd been the instinct, the instinct telling him that this woman - this annoying, petulant witch - she was his mate.
But Caius couldn't live like that, couldn't make foolish decisions on his instincts. His wolf could live like that, but not him. He had a duty.
A duty that felt unimportant and stupid now. It would tear him apart to fulfil it. But Caius; well, Caius was a man who would do anything for his clan.
Or he was. Astrid had changed that. It was just a shame that it was too late.
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Caius found himself in the kitchen, getting a snack between shifts. He was, all things considered, not in the best of moods. It didn't help that the other Sydney clan wolves were giving him cheek about the wolf queen.
He could handle it, or usually could, but then Astrid had to go and walk in and suddenly Caius felt himself tense.
The inevitable that he had been avoiding...he had a feeling it was about to come out. Of course he knew exactly when Astrid entered the kitchen. It'd been between his third and fourth bite of his sandwich. She had some in, and like clockwork, started preparing some tea.
Probably to take into the security tapes room. She'd probably sit in there analysing the footage and sip her tea. Most likely while fidgeting in the chair, because she could never quite sit still. Was there a thing he
didn't
notice about her? Probably not, even out of the corner of his eye he was always watching her, always had to when she was in his space. It was as much a compulsion as it was a need.
"Hey man," Anthony called out, one of the other out-of-town wolves, "I hear congratulations are in order."
He could see the little witch pause in her making of the tea, obviously pretending she wasn't listening. Despite the fact she'd barred him from her room and refused to speak to him all week, she still, also, seemed to keep him in her periphery whenever they were in the same space.
What the fuck were they doing?
"Don't get too excited, Vanessa isn't pregnant," Rodney piped in. Caius could have kicked the wolf in the face. And would have if it wouldn't cause some kind of massive problem.
Caius felt sick to his stomach, felt like he was in a moment of limbo where he was waiting for something to happen. He knew that this was going to happen at some point. But despite his waiting, nothing seemed to happen. The witch continued making the tea as if all was fine. Well, it may have been what she looked like, but Caius knew in the tense set of her mouth and the rigidity of her shoulders that she had definitely heard and understood the conversation around her.
The sickness almost came out of his mouth, but he comported himself.
She is angry,
his wolf hissed.
'No shit', he thought to his wolf.
I am angry,
wolf turned it's back to him
'Get in line' Caius thought back to the beast. But the beast didn't reply back. Instead it almost felt like in the place of his wolf, there was now a door. Firm and unyielding.
He wanted to curse the two men in the room. Neither of them seemed to notice the tight expression on astrid's face, the slight falter in her eyes. But he did. And just like that she seemed to move out of the room and out of his life.
————
Astrid could only feel white hot rage and anger seeping through her body. She knew she was shaking, shaking so much she could barely open her bedroom door. She was still trying to understand what exactly she'd just heard.
Congratulations? Caius? Vanessa? Pregnant?
They'd had sex. That was the only explanation.
That cheating bastard had done it and Astrid just wanted to fucking blow him up.
But no, that wasn't quite right, she knew. Cheating would indicate that they'd been in a relationship, but they hadn't, had they? She'd made certain of that.
