Shaza's Tears

I open my eyes, which is a fairly pointless gesture, but for some reason it just feels right to keep them open even when they are mostly useless. My body is still paralyzed, and I can feel his presence in my mind. The sensation is similar to floating in cool water, and I try really hard not to take comfort in it. Every time he brushes me with his power, a soft caress of pleasure smooths over my entire body in a way I can't explain, and the sensation frightens me. Ever since the first time he breached my mind, I've been trying to forget the way it makes me feel. Now that he's embedded himself inside I can't push the feeling away and that frightens me even more.

"How are you feeling?"

Afraid, angry, confused... Aroused? I can't make sense of my own feelings so I choose not to answer. He chuckles, and then I feel him tampering with my pleasure centers, causing an uncharacteristically intense bout of euphoria to flutter through me. I shake my head in an attempt to resist it and growl. The sound reverberates through the room like an echo, and I am able to take stock of my surroundings. I am laying on a small bed in a square room. The mind reader is sitting in a chair beside the bed, with his elbows rested on his knees while his face is turned in my direction and tilted slightly to the side.

"That's fucking awesome," he murmurs, and I turn my head away from him as I try to ignore his presence, "I've never met a humanoid species that uses echolocation before."

"Why are you holding me hostage this way?"

"You told me you needed to speak to Zaroi. His interface is currently set to silent and I am unable to get a hold of him right now," he explains, and I close my eyes again, "so, since you infiltrated the ship and tried to kill me, I figure I'll just keep you here until I can."

"Forgive me for being to irrational," I reply to him with a sigh, "I have never met someone who is capable of entering minds. It is unnerving, and your intrusion made me extremely angry."

"If I may ask, who is the man in your dreams?" he switches the subject, and I am relieved to find that he was still unable to breach my last defense. After I met him, I stored all of my more secret thoughts and memories into a separate bank, and spent a good amount of time fortifying it, "yeah, you are fucking infuriating with that rubber mind of yours. I spent hours trying to get through, and I still couldn't breach it, even while you were sleeping."

"There is a reason for that," I explain with a frown, "you have no respect for my privacy... And you wonder why I would want to slit your throat."

He chuckles again, and I try not to flinch away when I feel him move closer to me. The bed dips, signaling his approach, and suddenly he is laying along side me. He reaches out and cups my cheek with his hand, turning my head in his direction. Opening my eyes again, I let out a frustrated sigh at his uncomfortably close proximity. What game is he trying to play? its obvious he's aware of the effect he has on me, and I'm finding it extremely frustrating that he would try to use these unwarranted feelings against me.

"Tell me about this man in your dreams, Nejua," he murmurs, and the sound caresses his facial features, allowing me to see them more clearly. They seem almost familiar, but I can't quite place them, "please. I want to know who he is to you."

"I don't find it fair that you are allowed to unveil all of my thoughts and memories, yet I know nothing about you," I snap, "Tell me your secrets and maybe I will decide to share mine."

"Actually, I have a better idea," he says, and he sits up, straddling my waist and bending down until our foreheads are touching, "how about I show you instead?"

He places a hand on either side of my face, and then suddenly I'm whisked into a memory as if I am actually there, living it out in the moment. For the first time, I can see with my eyes, and its a little disorienting. As I adjust to the new sensation, I realize that I am in a memory of him as a child. I am laying on a hard cot in a room with about fifty other children, and I am weak from hunger. Some of the children are crying, and some of them are sleeping through their own hunger pains. The metal collar around my neck is cold and painful, and it makes thinking far too difficult, so I close my eyes eyes and try not to.

Suddenly, a loud alarm goes off and the lights in the room turn on, shocking all of the scared children awake, and I sit up as five men dressed as soldiers enter the room, walking around the beds as they rouse the children. They aren't violent or aggressive, but even in their gentle handling, I begin to suspect I am in some sort of prison.

"Everyone up! its time to break your fast!"

We leave the room in a single file line, heading toward the cafeteria. All of the children are eerily quiet as they take turns receiving a small tasteless nutritional bar from a lady at the entrance. I am relieved we have assigned seats, because having to think about where to sit is just another painful thought I don't want to consider. A young woman begins handing out small writing tablets with charts on them asking us how we feel today, and a few different questions asking us if we feel any pain and if so, how bad it is. It hurts too much to think, and staring at the pad makes it even worse, so I close my eyes and try to answer the questions blind. A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch, fearing that I'm in trouble for not taking the test seriously.

"Mehkel, we can't help you if you don't answer the questions honestly."

"But it hurts too much!" I cry, and I feel hot Tears stinging my vision. She turns me around on the bench to face her, and I try to find the courage to speak. She has a kind smile on her face, and I believe she understands, "it hurts to think, Dr. Khino. It hurts to look at bright lights. It... It hurts to talk..."

"It's okay Mehkel. I know the collar is disrupting your brains ability to function correctly. I wish we could take it off but it is against protocol," she frowns and closes her eyes, pulling me into a hug, "that's why I ask these questions and take all of these tests. I'm trying to make a better collar. One that won't hurt you anymore."

"Thank you, Dr. Khino," I whisper, and she rubs my back for a second before pulling away.

"I appreciate your honesty Mehkel. It helps me understand how I can help," she explains with a soft smile. "Tell me. Do you think paper tests instead of tablets might help with the pain? I think I can also ask about acquiring tinted goggles for you, so that the the light is less painful. Would that ease the pain?"

"I think so, I'm... not sure," I wince as my brain struggles to work through forming coherent sentences. "I think.. Maybe the others..."

"Right. I will see if there are others with similar issues," she smiles again and brushes her fingers through my hair. "Its very sweet to see that you are worried about the other children. It means you have a caring heart. You are such a good little boy, Mehkel."

I smile back at her before she stands up and begins attending to the other children. As I turn back around in my seat, I focus my eyes on an older girl across from me. The stylus in her hand is trembling and she keeps dropping it. Her eyes are twitching and it seems that she can't focus her vision on anything in particular. Dr. Khino comes around to her side of the table and crouches beside her.

"Are your motor functions still giving you trouble, Seratina?"

"Yes Dr. Khino," she whispers, and I see frustrated Tears spilling down her cheeks, "I'm sorry... I can't seem to make my eyes focus today. I can't read anything on the tablet right now."

"Here, how about I read the questions to you, and you answer them for me?" she asks as she pets the girls hair and takes the tablet and stylus from Seratina, "Do you think you will have an easier time then?"

"Yes, I think so. I'm sorry to waste your time..."

"No, don't ever say things like that," she admonishes softly, "you are not a waste of my time. This is exactly why I'm here sweety, okay?"

"Okay."

I listen silently as a beeping sound comes over the intercom, and the section B children are requested to leave to the white rooms for their daily physicals. I raise to my feet and begin to shuffle quietly toward the back door where the white rooms are, and I try not to think about what they plan to do to me today. Some of the tests are painful, but I know if I'm good they will allow me to have free time without the collar on.

I follow the single file line until I am directed to one of the white rooms, and once I am there I climb up onto the white bed and wait for my nurse to arrive. I kick my feet against the side of the bed as I wait, and when I look up I see that Ms. Ghuelo is here to see me today. She is a Gadorian, and her scales are such a pretty color of purple. She's always very nice, and even when the tests are painful she does her best to comfort me. I smile up at her and she smiles back.

"I am happy to see that you are smiling today, Mehkel. Today's tests are not very bad, just a few brain scans with and without the collar on, accompanied by a couple verbal and motor tests. Do you think you can be good for me today?"

"Yes ms. Ghuelo," I reply, and she pats my head before she hooks up the chords to my head. I stay as still as I can while she works, so she has an easier time. Once all the cords are connected she smiles at me again before pulling out a little pointed hammer, "I'm going to test your reflexes, now. So just relax okay? This shouldn't hurt, but if it does I want you to tell me."

I nod and wait patiently while she taps both my kneecaps with the little hammer, and I giggle as my knees jump and my legs straighten against my will. She smiles up at me as she puts the hammer away lifts the stethoscope to my heart. After a few minutes she switches the scope to my lungs and asks me to take a big breath.

"Good, so far no issues that I can see," she tells me, "now, I want you to stretch your arms out straight at your sides, and then bend them at the elbow to touch your nose, like this."

She demonstrates what she wants me to do, and I follow suit. The first time I try, I can't seem to make it right to my nose. I try to focus on what I'm doing, but my depth perception isn't working correctly. I huff in irritation, and Tears spring to my eyes from the frustration I'm feeling.

"Don't get discouraged, Mehkel. its not your fault that you are having these issues," she tells me, and I nod silently. its not that I'm blaming myself. I'm just upset that I can't function normally. its just not fair ,"now, I'm going to show you a few different slides, and I want you to tell me what color they are,"

Ms. Ghuelo knows I have issues with light, so she always makes sure to bring paper and cardboard cut outs so that I can focus better on them. I begin to name off all of the colors, and I am proud of myself for getting them all right.

"That's my boy. Now. I'm going to show you a different set of pictures, and I want you to tell me which color is covering most of the picture. Just do your best, okay Mehkel?"

I shiver in apprehension, because I know this test is going to make me think. I have to use deductive reasoning to come to a conclusion, and I'm afraid of the pain it will cause me. She begins with simple pictures, and I am able to choose the colors with little thought, but as she goes through the slides they start to become more complicated and I can't seem to make sense of them. My head is pounding and I start to cry because it hurts so much. She puts the slides down and pulls me into her arms with a big hug, letting me cry while she comforts me.

"its okay Mehkel. You did your best, and you were very brave," she tells me, and it only makes me cry more, "we can stop now, I promise. No more pain for the rest of the session, okay? I'm going to take your collar off now, and we will go through the tests again."

She unlocks the collar and pulls it away from my neck, and I immediately feel the relief from its absence. The light doesn't hurt anymore, and the pain in my head is gone. I look around and take a deep breath as she steps away, and I smile as my inner energy is free to spread across the room. I hear a few warning beeps as the machinery begins to malfunction, and ms. Ghuelo frowns at me.

"I'm sorry, I just have trouble controlling it," I admit with downcast eyes. She pets my hair again and tells me she understands. I pull the energy back into my body and allow her to go back through all of the tests she put me through before.

I pass with flying colors, and I am happy when she tells me the collar hasn't done any permanent damage to my body. She tells me that I'm a good boy and that I get to have two full hours in the play room without my collar. After She disconnects the cords, she leads me through another door and out into a room with the other children, and I run immediately to the clay they have set up for us to build things with. I am so focused on what I'm doing I barely notice when Seratina is helped into a seat next to me. Her eyes are still twitching, and her hands are trembling as she holds a ball of clay in her hands. I feel the sadness of her aura and turn my attention to her.

"I used to love drawing," she tells me with tears in her eyes. she's not wearing a collar, and I frown as the realization kicks in that her motor skills are still malfunctioning, "now I can't even pick up a pencil."

"I'm sorry," I tell her. I don't know what else to say. She looks at me with her coal black eyes, and I see nothing but anger in them.

"Don't tell me you're sorry!" she snaps at me, and then closes her eyes. She drops the clay, and I pick it up and hand it back to her. She looks at me again and gives me a wistful smile. "Its not your fault I'm like this Mehkel. I am very happy that the collar hasn't hurt you. I hope that one day, you can get out of here and be free."

"I'll take you with me if I ever do," I promise her, and she begins to cry. I feel a great heavy grief settle on her aura and I frown even more.

"It doesn't matter Mehkel. I don't have much longer to live. My heart is giving out on me, and they say I might last three or four more weeks at most."

"But... If the collar is hurting you that bad, why don't they just keep you out of it?"

"Because we are dangerous Mehkel. They are more afraid of what we can do to them, than of what they are doing to us," she whispers, and I set down the clay as I process her words. "They think we are monsters, and no matter how nice they pretend to be, they will never trust us. They would rather let me die than chance giving me the freedom I deserve, because they think that their lives are worth more than ours. They want to control us Mehkel. They want to take away what makes us who we are. They want to kill our souls."

"I won't let them kill my soul," I promise her, and she smiles at me with that lopsided, twitchy grin of hers. "I won't let them. I promise."

"That's good. Don't ever give up Mehkel. Don't ever-" her left arm goes limp to her side, and she sucks in a pain filled breath. She starts convulsing and I watch in shock as a group of Gadorian nurses file into the play room and pick her up, shouting at each other in a language I don't understand as they carry her out of the room. I feel tears running down my cheeks, but I'm too shocked to even move, let alone register the fact that I'm crying.

My vision goes dark again and I struggle to process what Mehkel has shown me. As I return to the present, I realize that I've been crying. I try to reach up to wipe my Tears away but then I remember that my ability to move was taken from me, and I flinch away when I feel him wiping the Tears away in my place.

"I never saw Seratina again," he tells me with a flat voice, and crawls from the bed to return to his place in the chair. "I believe she died that day, but I will never know what actually happened. They never spoke of her again, and whenever I asked they just changed the subject, pretending as if she never existed. But I never forgot. I will never forget what they did to her and countless other Ztarin."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he tells me, and I close my eyes again. "Just tell me about this dream. I think I've earned it."

"Why do you want to know so badly?" I ask him. I'm still reluctant to share this piece of me, and though I know its selfish, I'm still not ready to give it up. Not until I know why. He sighs, and then I feel a shift in my mind and I gasp as my eyes begin to work.

No, wait... I am seeing through his eyes. He blinks a few times, and then stands from the chair he is sitting in. I watch in fascination as he walks up to a flat surface, and it takes me a moment to understand what I'm looking at. He steps in front of it and I try not to cry out as another man stands before him. He is the exact man that I have been dreaming about. I take in his white hair, pale skin and coal black eyes as it suddenly clicks together. All of the collared children in the memory looked exactly the same way. My dream man is a Ztarin?

"This is a mirror," he explains as he waves his hand, and I gasp as the other man... No, his reflection moves in the exact same way, "You're looking at me, Nejua. I'm the man you've been dreaming about."