A Fortune Teller Xmas
by de Vere
Like Thanksgiving, this Christmas during a pandemic may be different from your typical family celebration. Rather than a large family gathering offering you a smorgasbord of sisters, mothers, cousins, nieces, mothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, nephews' girlfriends and the other usual sights and delights, you may be alone or with a small group with no one to swap body fluids with. To those of you, we wish you a Happy Christmas, and give you this story to allow you to imagine and dream of who you wish to find under your tree.
This time, I was pissed.
My car jerked to a stop in the Fortune Teller's driveway as the anti-lock brakes kept me from sliding on the wet concrete. Almost a month had passed since we were last there, when my sister Ginnie and I were here at Thanksgiving. A long, painful month. She tried to stop me, but sometimes I don't listen to advice. The old crone was sitting alone at her table when we burst through the front door. Well, I burst in, my sister following in my wake.
"I thought that might be you," she said, barely looking up from the playing cards she had laid out on the table in what looked like an unusual form of Solitaire. "Well, come in, come in. Don't let all the cold air in here."
"I apologize for my brother in advance," Ginnie said. "He's not acting rationally."
"The Star and the Hermit. Please sit and tell me what is causing your anger."
"When we were here, you warned us of danger, but it was so vague—how were we supposed to be able to avoid our fate with such scant information?"
"If memory serves, you drew The Tower and the Judgment cards. I suppose you received your judgment."
"I broke my pecker!" I suppose my face was red; Ginnie's sure was, but purely out of embarrassment.
The fortune teller chuckled. "Broke your pecker? I never knew that was possible."
"That's what the doctor called it," I said.
Ginnie explained, "Technically, it is a rupture of some tissues inside his...thing."
"I broke my arm as a kid, and let me tell you, that was nothing compared to a fractured penis. Not to mention the awful purple color it was. Still hasn't completely faded."
"So, that was your judgment."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to your wife how you broke your dick? And Blonde Einstein here admitted she did it without bothering to research that the only way to fracture a penis is when it is hard? And about the only way to break it is during sex?"
"So, your wife suspects the truth?"
"She went to the library and researched it. The only thing that saved my ass is the books say it usually occurs during intercourse or masturbation."
"Vaginal intercourse," Ginnie said. "That's what the book said. Kellie made a copy."
Maybe she didn't want the only person who knew the full extent of our incestuous love to think she took it up the ass. To tell the truth, I'm not sure many people would think worse of a woman who has been screwing her brother for years if they decided to try anal, but then again, it wasn't my ass she was worried about. I glared at her, and she shut the hell up. "If you hadn't admitted breaking it, at least I could have told her I got carried away jerking off down in the basement."
"Did your wife leave you?"
"No. I think she believes the truth, but deep down, she is willing to tell herself that my sister accidentally kicked he in the groin while playing around, and ignore why I had a hard on when she was kicking me. She probably assumes I was trying to rape my sister, which is worse."
"He wasn't raping me," she said, and I glared at her again. "What? You weren't! My brother is not a rapist."
"Did you notice how she looks at Hermoine since we've been back?"
The fortune teller asked, "Hermoine?"
"That's her—our daughter. We call her Minnie No one knows who the father is."
"They pretty much do now," Ginnie said.
"Well, that is The Judgment the cards warned you about. Sounds like it could have been worse. Why are you angry?"
"This whole thing is basically your fault. You pretty much told us to screw."
"I only told you what the cards said—nothing more, nothing less."
"Well, what do we do now? How do we unfuck this situation?"
"Sounds like what has been done cannot be changed. But," she swept the cards into her hand and, in a quick move, turned them so they formed a deck, "perhaps these cards will help."
"Playing cards?"
"Cartomancy. Don't worry, I won't charge you. Sounds like you have paid a rather painful price already. These cards, though: sometimes they say things the Tarot cannot say." She began dealing, and I felt better getting that off my chest. She dealt the cards into three stacks. "Past, present and future," she explained.
And so, we got another reading. "The good news is, your troubles are in the past. For the short term, at least. For now, I see happiness and I see..." She chuckled softly.
"What? You see what?"
"I see the two of you are going to have a very merry Christmas."