On this pleasantly warm afternoon I am laid on my sun lounger in the shade of an old oak tree at the bottom of my secluded garden. My daughter, Abigail, is suckling contentedly on my plump milk filled breast. My two year bold little boy, Jacob is playing happily in the sandpit.
Nearer the house my beloved man is trimming the hedge. His shirtless body has a sheen of sweat as he works in the sun. As I watch the birds fluttering round the bird feeders my mind drifts back to how my life has changed from sudden heartbreak to the delightful life I have now.
It all started a few years ago when my loving husband and soulmate, Jacob, died suddenly of a heart attack at work. We had been married for twenty one years and if it wasn't for our twenty year old son, Adam, I don't think I would have got through the loss. I could never have thought that it could end up like this.
I found out about Jacobs demise from his works manager when he called to the house to give me the news. I was distraught and didn't know what to do. He called Adam at work who came straight home. Between us we managed to find out what to do.
Barely functioning, I managed to get through the funeral and sorting out the will, which left me with the house paid for and some serious investments which gave me a comfortable living provided that I didn't go wild with spending.
None of this mattered as I didn't have Jacob. I missed him so much. I missed his easy smile and sense of humour. I missed his warm body next to me in bed. I even missed his stinky farts. In grief, I didn't miss our love life but I would eventually and that is part of my story.
After all the formalities were over, I just shut down. I went to bed one night, wearing a thin strap baby doll nightie and and a pair of skimpy knickers which tied at each side. You may think it was a strange choice but it was the thing Jacob liked the most.
The next morning I didn't get up. I didn't get out of bed at all apart from visits to the toilet. I only ate sparingly when Adam was home and he brought me something.
I didn't get up the next day, or the next, or the day after that. I have no idea how long this went on but Adam brought it to an end.
Normally, when he brings me breakfast, he's either fully dressed or in a dressing gown. This particular morning he was just in his boxers and he didn't have anything with him.
He walked over to the bed and pulled back the covers, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed.
"What are you doing?" I yelled as I struggled to get back to bed.
"Mother, you stink." was his reply as he hoisted me over his shoulder.
"Put me down. I'm your mother. You shouldn't be treating me like this." I yelled as I hammered on his back with both hands.
He ignored me as he carried me into the bathroom where the shower was already running. He set me down in the shower and the water made my nightie stick to my breasts and become transparent, showing my nipples.
I huddled facing the wall with an arm across my breasts and a hand between my legs and the knickers were now soaked like the nightie.
Embarrassed and ashamed I sobbed.
"Stop it. You shouldn't be seeing me like this. I'm your mother. You can't do this. Get off me."
He ignored me and tried to pull the nightie over my head but I kept tight hold of it. Undeterred he snapped the thin straps and pulled it down. I fought as hard as I could to no avail. It slipped down my body and soon the ties on the knickers were undone and they joined the nightie on the floor.
Oh! the shame. No son should ever see his mother like this. My naked boobs, affected by gravity, my stretch marked stomach with the caesarian scar and the beginnings of cellulite on my thighs were not things a son should see.
Adam didn't seem to notice, or care. He started to wash me, starting with my hair and working downwards. He washed everywhere, including places that no son should touch on his mother.
I was mortified and sobbing all the time. This was not right but it was happening.
He rinsed me off and left me there, huddled in the shower crying.
I dried myself off and despite trying not to I had to admit that I felt a lot better. Determined to go back to bed I went into the bedroom to find the bed stripped and a bra, panties, skirt and top laid on the bed.
The curtains were still closed but the window had been opened. Despite the fresh air there was still a lingering smell, which wasn't very pleasant. Because I had lived with it I hadn't noticed it, but Adam had.
With a sigh, I dressed and opened the curtains to see a bright sunny day outside. As I left the bedroom the smell of something cooking hit me and I realised that I was very hungry.
Still angry with Adam, as soon as I saw him I let fly.
"What the hell did you think you were doing up there?" I yelled. " You had no right to do that to me."
"You needed cleaning up. You weren't going to do it yourself." He replied calmly.
"It still wasn't right."
"Maybe not, but it's done now. Do you want breakfast?"
I had to admit to myself that he was right but I wasn't going to admit it to him.
The smell of breakfast got to me.
"Yes please. I would love some breakfast."
He set down a plate of scrambled eggs with bacon, and a cup of coffee, which I ate in silence, still not willing to let my anger go.
Adam left for work shortly after, leaving me wondering what to do with the rest of the day. I looked around the kitchen and although Adam had kept it in reasonable shape, there were things that still weren't to my standards. I set to and took out my anger on the kitchen until it was how I wanted it.
That took up most of the morning and also kept my mind away from thinking of Jacob. I still missed him but my shut down period seemed to have taken away the intense grief.
After a sandwich and a cup of coffee, I went upstairs and made my bed. I contemplated jumping back into it but decided against it. I was beginning to accept that Adam was right that I needed to be living a normal life again, I just didn't agree with how he did it. I blushed with shame at the thought that he had seen me naked and all the places he had touched.
Back downstairs I started preparing a meal for Adam coming home, just as I would have done for Jacob.
When Adam came home we ate at the table.
"You were right in a way this morning." I said. "I did need to pull myself together and lying in bed wasn't doing me any good.. I just disagree with the way you went about it."
" I don't think talking to you would have done any good, would it?" He replied. "It was extreme, but it worked."
