A Smile In The Dark

Hey everyone!

Been a long-time reader but this is the first time I'm writing here so please be gentle with me. I plan to start writing more and with help from everyone's feedback, hopefully, improve along the way.

Thanks for reading and leave any constructive feedback for me in the comments please!

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I slept in late again. At least that's what my mother told me when I finally made my way to the kitchen around noon.

"When did you sleep last night, Alex?" my mother asked.

I could see the concern etched in her face. She would always find a reason to worry about me, though I suppose I'd been making that easier for her recently. It always hurt just a little bit more when she was the one upset with me. It was something about her eyes, they were naturally so kind and carefree, it pained me to be the one to introduce sadness into them.

"Not sure, I don't think it was very late though." I replied quickly, averting her troubling gaze.

It was 4:00 am by the time I slept last night. I didn't feel great lying to her but I'd grown tired of having this conversation with her. Conversations tended to turn into arguments between us and I don't have the heart to get into one right now, especially when I know she was on the right side of this one.

"Do you at least have any plans today?"

"Can't say I do."

"You can't just do nothing again today, Alex, you need to get out, have fun, do something, anything." she said with a slight edge that I've started to become familiar with recently. Her frustration was coming to the surface, but I can't say I really blame her.

"I go to class when I have it and I do all the chores you ask of me. But, when I have free time I like to spend it doing what I enjoy."

"Which is what exactly? Holing up in your room all day. It's not healthy Alex."

"Please leave my own health to me, if I'm ever feeling unwell, you'll be the first to know. Promise." I said with a touch more sarcasm than I'd intended.

"That's not what I mean and you know it. If not for yourself and if not for me then do it for Jess. She misses you, you know? It's cruel for you to cut her out of your life like you did."

"I didn't cut her out, Mom, I'm here aren't I? Besides she has her own life, I wouldn't be so sure she cares at all."

"She talks to me, Alex. I'm know she does. Look, she was supposed to go with a couple of her friends to the lake today but they had to cancel. She asked me earlier if you were busy today, she thought maybe you'd want to come with her."

"I'm sorry her plans fell through but I'm really not interested, can't she find someone else to go with?"

"Seriously, Alex? You two used to be so close, what happened?"

"Nothing happened, we just grew apart. I'm sorry but I can't, I really don't want to have to pretend to be Jess' friend today!"

I expected a classic argument to break out between us. It's my fault, I know, it usually is. I was surprised when instead of snapping back at me though her eyes simply drifted off behind me. It wasn't until I followed her gaze that I realized how badly I screwed up.

Jess was standing by the staircase staring coldly at me with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Jess, wait, that came out wrong." I stammered, but it was far too late. She ran up the stairs immediately, out of sight. Five seconds later the slam of her door followed.

I sighed and looked back toward my mom. She didn't have anything to say to me. Jess said everything that needed to be said, not with her words but with her eyes. The only emotion strong enough to fight its way to the surface through her tears, disappointment.

My mom simply walked away, leaving me to feel the shame left in the room by myself.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

***

I suppose I should explain now, how things got to be this way.

It wasn't always this bad. What my mom had said was true, me and Jess used to be inseparable. In face she undersold it, me and Jess weren't just each others closest friends, we were our only friends. Neither of us were social butterflies in high school, we tended to keep to ourselves. We weren't awkward people, we just didn't feel comfortable hanging out with anyone else, at least not at school. So we kept each other company. We would drive to school together, drive home together, eat lunch together. We even would try to set up our schedules so we could have classes together.

She was my comfort blanket and I was hers. But I got too comfortable.

I'd always known she was pretty, it wasn't so much an opinion of mine as it was just a universal truth. Dark brown hair that fell just past her shoulders. A soft button nose that rested delicately on her face. Bright blue eyes that dared you to look away and an especially beautiful smile that made its way to her face so rarely that the sight of it felt like a gift from her to everyone in her presence.

Her beauty was rivaled only by her personality. Shy, yes, but the sweetest and most kindhearted person I've ever met. Endlessly caring and eager to soothe my mind when I was troubled. Her shyness was not as second nature as mine. I suspect she'd be as outgoing as any other if she hadn't grown so tired of the admiring eyes. She was always being asked out on dates, along with some cruder propositions over the years.

I never asked her why but she never seemed to have eyes for any of them, any advances made toward her always seemed to be shut down swiftly and without hesitation. But either way, it made her feel isolated. She couldn't get close to any of the guys because they would all want to be more than friends and she couldn't hang out with any of the girls because they all seemed to resent her effortless popularity with the guys. High school was an awful place.

So she hung out with me instead, she made a friend with the one guy she knew would never have feelings for her. If only she were right.

It didn't happen right away, nor did it happen all at once. It was slow, methodical. Every time she talked me through my problems, every time she flashed me that beautiful smile, I got one step closer. One step closer to the edge. And when I arrived, there was nowhere to go but down.

I'd hurt her either way. Either I could break her trust and admit how I feel or I could run away from my problems. She'd hate me for cutting her out but it was better than her hating me for my perverse thoughts.

I was a year older than her so I was able to move on and away from her by starting college. Only my parents couldn't really afford for me to live on campus so I commuted instead. It was a lot harder to avoid someone when you lived in the same house. It makes it obvious that you're avoiding them, but I had no other choice, so I did it anyway.

***

This I couldn't avoid. I can deal with her resenting me but I can't hurt her like that and pretend nothing happened. I'm an asshole but I'm not that cruel. At least not to her, I couldn't be.

I gave myself about five minutes to think of what to say before I started up the stairs. I made my way to her door but hesitated before knocking. Why did I have to be such a piece of shit? I was dreading this, scared to see the sadness in her eyes and the tears marring her delicate face, knowing I was the cause. I shook off the feeling and rapped softly at her door a couple times.

"Fuck off." I could barely hear it, muffled by the door and presumably her blanket.

"Jess, please let me explain. I'm really sorry."

I was shocked when she actually opened the door. I thought I would have to grovel much more than that just to be able to come in and apologize.

She wasn't letting me in though. She slapped me hard making contact with my ear. My ear was ringing but I could hear what she said.

"You don't have to pretend anymore. Fuck off and die, Alex. See if I care."

And with that she slammed the door back in my face. I knew better than to try knocking on her door again but I couldn't bring myself to walk away. I slumped down with my back to her door, as tears started to fall from my eyes. I sealed them shut and wallowed in whatever sliver of self-pity I was still able to provide for myself.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there but when I finally dragged myself out of that spot I could only muster the energy to throw myself on my own bed, shutting the door behind me. I felt at peace here. Blinds shut, wrapped up in blankets, headphones blaring sad music. It was here that I could pretend that it was night, where I was truly alone. Just existing in the dark, away from prying eyes, no expectations, no responsibilities, nobody to let down. While the world would sleep, I could feel free. A freedom that I could otherwise only feel when I was under her gaze or when she would flash me her brilliant smile. I sighed deeply with the realization that I'd probably go a long while before I'd see that smile again, with only myself to blame.

***

I ended up sleeping there until around eleven. I got up, grabbed a cigarette from the pack in my drawer along with a lighter and opened my window, perching myself on the sill. I laid my head against the frame and gazed up into the night sky. I let the cigarette dangle between my lips for a while before lighting it. I definitely wasn't proud of this habit but I had trouble resisting the temptation when I was feeling particularly sad, which was happening more often recently. It had a magical ability to silence the millions of thoughts racing through my head, focusing only on the stars resting in the night's sky.

It was a temporary feeling though and before long I felt the shame begin to creep back in. I left my room and stalked downstairs to grab a bottle of my parents' vodka. They always left some cheap stuff around and never made a fuss whenever it went missing. I brought it back up to my room with a glass and poured some out to drink as I listened to music. My mind was racing and I was desperate to tune it out. I kept picturing Jess' face when she overheard me in the kitchen. She deserves so much better. She had never been anything but kind to me for as long as I can remember.

I winced as I remembered her slap suddenly feeling the sting in my cheek again. She didn't have a violent bone in her body, she was completely against all forms of it. I hated to think of how much I had to have hurt her to get her to slap me like she did. And what she said... had she meant it? I ignored her for so long and then what she overheard me saying, I can't say I blamed her. Hell I had the same thoughts myself, of course I couldn't blame her. She was probably right.

I kept drinking until I started to feel nauseous. I was at peak self-loathing at this point. I went downstairs, grabbed my jacket, and put on a pair of sneakers. Making my way out the door I maxed out the volume on my headphones and got on my bike. I had a car but even though I was dumb enough to get on my bike this drunk, I wasn't dumb enough to drive this drunk.

I made my way onto the main roads and pedaled as fast as I could. I had no reason to slow down anymore. I ran into a red light and closed my eyes as I flew through the intersection, focusing only on the music blaring into my ears. I kept going after that, through more lights and further into town. I was reluctant to ever turn back. I didn't know if I should be there anymore, I was causing much more pain than I was worth. Jess said so herself. She was all I could ever think about no matter how much I tried. If I was nothing to her, then what was I?

I clenched my eyes shut as I went through another red light but this time I wasn't as lucky. I blacked out for a few moments but I came to quickly to the cacophony of horns and shouting that quickly overwhelmed me. My body ached all over. There was a searing pain in my side and my breathing was coming out labored. I was able to drag myself up and started to hobble away slowly until I became more lucid and broke out into a slight jog, eager to get away from the angry masses. I don't think anything got broken. The pain in my side was still there but not as bad as before. My breathing became steady and the aching died down.

I had a long way to go. I still had my phone but my headphones were nowhere to be found, not that that surprised me. I committed myself to running back despite the pain in my side. I didn't think my rib was broken though so I figured I'd be okay. After about two hours of on and off jogging I made it back home. Through all the pain from the crash though I was at least able to rid my mind of the intruding thoughts for a while.

My mind was practically blank the whole way back, focusing only on getting there. Just in time, too, the sun was starting to come up again and I needed to get back to my room before anyone woke up. Not to mention how I would've looked if someone saw me in the neighborhood before I made it back. The fabric in the side of my hoodie was badly torn and revealed splotchy red bruises and cuts all over my side. I could feel that the side of my face scraped some on the asphalt and my palms were covered in cuts too.

Luckily I was able to avoid prying eyes as I reached my house and quickly stepped inside. I quickly went up the stairs and made my way towards my room but Jess was already in the hallway. I froze halfway to my door and her eyes widened as she took in my appearance. I could see her eyes start welling up with tears again and she ran towards me. She stopped right in front of me and cupped my face in her soft hand. I couldn't resist leaning into it, her soft, warm hand feeling far more comforting than I deserved.

"Alex, what did you do?"

I just stared at her dumbly, not knowing how to explain myself. I should've come up with a good excuse beforehand but I never expected her to be up this early. Even my mother would never wake up before seven and it was still just five now.

"Alex, please, what happened?"

I opened my mouth to answer but I had no words to give her. I stammered pathetically and closed my mouth again.

"I'm really sorry I hit you, okay? Just please tell me what happened, you look awful."

"Don't be sorry, I deserved it." I said resolutely. Finally, she gave me something I had an answer for.

"No, no one deserves that, I'm sorry. If anyone does, it's you, but you still don't."

I chuckled at that and felt my hopes rise when the corners of her lips began to tug upwards, but she quickly pursed them.

"I didn't mean what I said, I swear. I have my own fucked up reasons that I can't talk about for why I was trying to get out of going to the lake but I only said that because I was being an asshole, I really didn't mean it."

"This isn't the time for that Alex, you look seriously hurt, you have to tell me what happened."

"I can't. I'll be okay, I promise. Just don't tell mom please, she'll be worried."

"Of course she'll be worried, you jackass! I'm worried! Look at you!" she shouted.

Her lip started to tremble and my heart sank.

"Please don't cry. Please Jess I can't bear to see it any more. I'm so sorry, for everything. I mean it, everything. For ignoring you for all this time, for being so cold to you, for what I said earlier, for being an idiot and getting myself hurt, I'm sorry for it all. Please don't cry." I spat out as quickly as I could before my mind could tell my mouth to stop.

I put my hands on her temples and brought her face close to mine. I stared at her lips, still quivering but seemingly settling. I felt so drawn to them, desperate to bridge the gap between us fully. Her eyes stared into mine, bewildered by my sudden declaration and closeness.

I edged closer to her but came to my senses and abruptly pulled away. There was palpable tension in the air and I felt awkward as I shuffled away from her slightly.

"Let me explain, please." I said as I motioned toward my door, eager to get out of the hallway where my mother could come by at any moment.

She hesitated for a moment but followed my cue and went into my room and sat on the edge of the bed. I was watching her and saw her make a disgusted face as I followed her gaze toward my nightstand with the pack of cigarettes and bottle of vodka on it.

"Alex..." she said pleadingly, as she looked back towards me.

"I'm sorry for that too, okay."

She took on a haunted look that quickly shifted to pure sadness as she tore her gaze away from me and settled on staring down at her lap.

"You changed so much... I don't even know you anymore."

"No! No, I didn't. I promise. That stuff is terrible for me, I know it, I wanna be better okay. Please, give me a chance. It's still me."

I sat down beside her on the bed, desperate for her contact, her approval.

"Remember when Allison asked me out when we were having lunch during my sophomore year? You could tell I didn't want to but I hadn't been asked out before and I was nervous to tell her no. I was just stammering, making a fool of myself and you told her that I wasn't interested. She told you that I could speak for myself and you told her that you could also speak for me. She left after that. I couldn't believe it. My little freshman sister sticking up for me. I was embarrassed but so proud and grateful to have you as my little sister and best friend that day. I still am, I still feel that way. I promise it's still me, I haven't changed too much. I still need you, I always have."

She stared at me dumbfounded for a little while after I finished my long speech. She hesitated, unsure of what to say.

"How can you say you need me? You're sweet but you make no sense, Alex. I never left you. You left me."

"I... It's not like that, okay?"

"Then what is it like? Please explain it to me. I've been wanting to know for a year now, why did you leave me, what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything, you're perfect. You've always been perfect."

"You say that but you still left me!" she was shouting at me now shoving me from the side.

This was getting out of control. I told her too much so that I could make myself feel better and now I was trapped. There was no way out of this one.

"I fell in love with you." I whispered

I was staring at my lap as I said it, too afraid to look at her, too ashamed. I knew it then that I would never see that smile again, at least not directed at me. With those six words, I'd lost her.

"I'm sorry. I tried not to, I swear. But I couldn't help it, everything you said, everything you did, made me love you more and I had to distance myself from you. I wanted to be the guy you could trust like you did for so many years but I failed you. I was just like everyone else. I'm sorry I let you down and I know you won't want to see me anymore. I'll leave, I promise, for good. There's nothing left for me here anyway."

"Shut the fuck up already, Alex! I am so tired of hearing you feel sorry for yourself! Are you even going to let me speak before you banish yourself?"

I looked up at her, hesitantly. At least she was speaking to me, that's more than I had hoped for.

"Go ahead, I'm sorry."

But now that I actually gave her the chance to speak, she didn't know what to say. What could she say, really? Her brother just confessed that he's in love with her. My head dipped down again in shame, her silence speaking volumes.

"It's okay Jess, I understand. Really, I'll go."

I stood up but she quickly reached for my wrist, holding me back. I looked back at her. We stared at each other for a few tense moments until I turned away again, breaking her grip on my wrist. I walked to my closet and started grabbing some clothes and shoving them into my backpack.

"What are you doing?" she spoke softly.

"I'm just gonna grab a few things, I'll stay in one of my classmates' dorm for a few days until I can find something more permanent. I'll come by and get the rest of my stuff when I find a place." I said