I am no charmer. When I try to sound smooth it comes across as sarcastic. My suave and sophisticated act usually just weirds people out. What I am successful at is stoopit funny. Many a time I have ensnared a girl with my comedy dumb-ass-ness (or so I liked to believe) and Sarah was the current victim of my seductive humour. The blonde, blue-eyed, big-breasted babe was lying on my shabby bed, giggling as I pretended to fumble with her bra (it was actually pretty damn fiddly) and she didn't stop laughing at me even when I began to fondle her big lovable boobs. I'm not sure it's a good sign if a date keeps laughing at you even as you're trying to make love to her.
I had undone the button on her tight jeans and was just extending my naughty fingertips into her snug panties when my doorbell rang. Ignoring it, I provoked more giggles with my tickling of her soft, trimmed pubes. The bell rang twice more and I mentally told whoever it was to get lost. The bell rang a third time. I resigned myself to the interruption.
"I'll get rid of 'em and be right back," I said, standing up.
Sarah went to pull on her jumper.
"Wait, what're you doing?" I asked.
"It's chilly!"
"Don't put away those puppies, I won't be a sec."
I cursed fate as I trundled downstairs, regretting that I too was topless and bare-footed and feeling the chill. I opened the door to discover my mum, dancing on the doorstep to keep warm.
"Ta-dah!" she sang as she nudged me aside, "I could see your light was on, what took you so long?"
I gawped at her glossy black stilettos and opaque black nylons that disappeared up under her long, thick Winter coat as she walked up the stairs. At the top, she turned and looked down at me.
"It's bloody nippy out there," she said, rubbing her gloved hands together.
And then she was gone and I was standing like an idiot, still holding the door open. Then I remembered Sarah. I closed the door and raced upstairs and into my room. Sarah was sitting on the bed with her hands cupping her bosom.
"Who the fuck is this?!" she demanded, gesturing to my mum who was loitering the doorway.
"Er, Mum, this is Sarah. Sarah this is... my mum."
"Oh bloody hell," Sarah said with her flesh wobbling as she tried to pull on her tangled-up jumper.
"It's nice to meet you. I'll, er, just..." Mum discreetly exited.
I stalled her on the stairs and we stood nose-to-nose in the narrow passage.
"I'm sorry," she smiled awkwardly, "I hadn't thought... I just wanted to surprise you. Of course you'd be busy. I should've phoned."
"You don't have to go."
"No, it was silly of me to just turn up out of the blue."
"Come in, I'll put the kettle on."
"I wouldn't dream of interrupting your fun. I was meeting some friends, I was in town and thought I'd surprise you, it's no big deal."
"Mum? Come on, come in."
She walked down to the door and opened it, the wind whipped at her hair as she looked up.
"Perhaps you'll call me?" she said, "This weekend? If you have the time. Or whenever."
"Sure, I..."
"Bub-bye, baby."
She looked cheerful enough as she waved and then closed the door but I still felt like a complete bastard as I trudged back upstairs.
"She gone?" Sarah asked.
I stood pondering, looking but not looking at the girl on my bed.
"Can you let yourself out?" I said as I slipped my bare feet into my sneakers, "Pull the door up when you go."
"Whaddya mean!?"
I grabbed a jacket and pulled it on.
"We had plans!" she yelled.
"Well, y'know, plans change."
I scarpered down the stairs and out into the gathering darkness of late afternoon. The streetlights were just now turning on. I zipped up my jacket and thought. Where would she go? Bus stop! I ran down the street and turned the corner. There was a bus at the stop and I saw Mum stepping up to go inside. I called out, waving as I ran. She noticed me and stepped back down from the bus. I came up to her, breathing hard (the 500 metre sprint is not my forte). I gestured for the driver to go, the doors hissed shut and the noisy bus pulled away.
"I was expecting you on the fifth, a year since Dad died," I said, gasping a little, my hot breath crystallising in the brittle air, "I'd drank loads of water in case you wanted to go piss on his grave."
"I'm not here because of him," she touched my face, "He doesn't enter into my thoughts, he doesn't deserve to."
My face said to her: Quite right, too right!
"Tonight is the anniversary of the funeral," she said, "And of you and me..."
She blushed delightfully.
"Oooh," I grinned.
She leaned in close and kissed me, her lips were soft and warm, despite the frigid air. We kissed for a few minutes and it was wonderful to feel her embrace again. We had been seeing each other quite often, dating or making love or just being intimate friends, when she had said that we needed some space. I was crushed but she argued that it wasn't healthy for me, that I needed to build a life without her, a real girlfriend, a real future. I knew she was right but I still missed her, my incredible, slinky sexy mother. I hugged her tight and kissed her with all the passion of someone who hasn't seen their lover for two months.
After our affectionate smooching came to a natural pause, she said, "You really didn't have to run after me."
"But then I wouldn't have got that kiss."
I admired my own suavity, George Clooney had nothing on me. The cold air was painting a rosy glow on to her cheeks and the tip of her nose. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her in for another kiss but she held me at bay.
"What about the half naked girl in your bedroom?"
"I told her to beat it."
"You didn't! I hope you're joking."
Her face was distressed and serious. I'd seen that face many, many times throughout my life. Her frowning eyebrows told me I'd just fucked up. Despite her obvious disappointment, I couldn't help but get utterly lost in her gorgeous eyes; accentuated with a dash of smokey eye-shadow she looked stunning. She was so beautiful it was almost cruel.
"Not in so many words," I crawled.
She shook her head at me. Then she turned me around by my shoulders and began to march me back up the street.
"Maybe she hasn't yet gone and you can apologise."
"Muuuum," I whined.
I was smirking at the situation as my mother's heels clicked speedily, echoing her fast steps. At the corner of the street, we saw Sarah stomping away. Mum made me call her and we caught up with her.