Looking back on them now, Jeff tenses up at the memory of the first days -- when fear of illness and death made him suspicious of everyone. He had hated elevators, movie theaters, and even stores because that many people in that space made him lose his natural desire to socialize. Someone speaking to him in the Express Line made him start. Buying a snack required planning and equipment.
Within weeks, the fear was replaced by the tension between the desire for safety and the rebellion against the oppressive atmosphere. Was being healthy worth not seeing beautiful faces, hearing lovely voices, touching those we care about? At that point, walking through a store not only meant a minefield of other people, but also checking for items no one ever thought about before. Was there toilet paper? Paper towels? Let alone wipes and hand sanitizer.
As the months dragged on, Jeff became bolder in defying the glares of others when he "forgot" his mask. Of course, he was just as angry when others forgot theirs! He was so tired of the vaccine race and of the political race. He especially tired of denying himself -- he was thirty and now he was facing a full year without.
Without a woman.
He was angry. His friends who married in the years before 2020 were able to shelter in place with someone they cared about. Someone who cared about them. Someone who wanted to hold them and be held. Jeff's only relationships were electronic. Cold comfort when stuck in a house for work, rest, and play. Sometimes -- not often -- the rage overtook him. His loneliness and frustration became overwhelming. He needed to DO something to get it out. Pleasuring himself to a 10-minute video wouldn't be enough. He needed the warmth and texture of skin, the scent of perfume, the joy of a smile.
During one of those desperate moments, he was suddenly surprised. It was late on a weeknight, though it didn't really matter -- when you can't go out weekends and weekdays are pretty much the same. He tore off his shorts and t-shirt, went out the patio door and jumped in the heated pool in the back yard. He was thinking that at least a swim could tire him out and maybe touching himself in the water would be a change in the routine. He swam under water to the deep end and surfaced under the diving board. He enjoyed the sensation of the chilly night air on his face contrasting with the warmth of the pool water. He reached up to hold the diving board, suspending himself in the water. He tried to drive all thought from his head.
Then he realized he wasn't alone. With no lights on outside, he could barely make out a shadow on the steps on the side of the pool. Something was there, but he couldn't tell what. The shadow wasn't moving. Now neither was he.