A Tortured Loves Secret Revealed

I saw him for the first time when I was only 5 years old. He was so loving to me. He doted over me like a big brother. I would sit with him for hours on our porch, and he would look over at me and smile. He thought I was the most precious thing in the world. I thought he was wonderful. He was my cousin, and he could do no wrong. I vowed that I would marry him one day. I loved him so much. He was my knight in shining armor.

Mom and dad got divorced when I turned 7. Dad made mom sell our house, and we moved into a condominium in an "integrated" neighborhood. I didn't know what that was until I got older, but I adjusted to it as best I could. I would visit my dad on weekends, but it hurt really bad when I had to go back home to my mom. The only times I felt good about myself were when I got to see my Jimmy. Jimmy, my cousin was so handsome. He was tough, too. He always held his own in fights (or so I'd heard.) As we got older still, he began listening to punk rock. As I grew and realized that I wasn't so tough, and as I started noticing other boys more, he grew angrier and I more desperate for attention from more available young men. I wished I could hang out with the punks, but I was too afraid of getting into a fight with someone and looking stupid. So, my private adoration of him I simply kept hidden inside me. I still had not gotten the courage to tell him how I truly felt about him, and it was too late to get close to him as he was more interested in his own conquests.

Life moved forward as awkwardly as possible, but I managed to get laid enough. It was always the same, though. I gave the men I fucked what they wanted and sacrificed my orgasms willingly. The one person I had truly fallen in love with was out of my reach, and so I dated several men who were just not cousin Jimmy. Jimmy remained a myth of a man. He must have loved others, as well, and so we two were not to be.

I turned to drugs and alcohol to quell the pain, but nothing worked. My life took a series of bad turns, and I ended up in a mental hospital at 21. As I suffered through it, my desire for his love seemed unrealistic with the passing years. Suicide was too dangerous an undertaking for me, so I sniffed, drank, and fucked my way through sordid, depressed, and difficult times. I became as disillusioned as anyone can become, and I felt deep inside me that I was worth nothing. I gave up on college, love, and a fulfilled life. I grew older and then older and at 28 had my first mid-life crisis. I had already been through drug and alcohol addiction, several subsequent sobrieties, but no real life of my own. I was living in a kind of purgatory that seeped with jaundiced moods and a lack of purpose. Every day was another reminder of my failed existence. I was nothing, no one, and had no motivation. Dreams now dead kept me up at night until the medicine made me sleep.

There was nothing left for me to do in this life except to hang on. I would never marry the man I thought I was destined to marry. I would never own a house. I would never have children. All of these harsh realities would send me into deep depressions. I would try to concentrate on something and would just break down. I knew no one cared about me. I felt like dying every day. I had several nervous breakdowns. Some would last days, and others would last months. I was placed on various medications that would work for a while and then stop. Finally finding the right cocktail, I began sort of evening out. I managed to go back to school. I actually earned two degrees and graduated with honors twice. I thought I might be able to pull myself out of this funk and subsequent mania. They finally diagnosed me with Dysphoric Mania, and now I had a real label for my craziness. I, of course thought it was something else entirely; complications due to unrequited love. I saw it like that, too for a while. Later, I would discover that my one true love might actually be suffering in the same way I was. I was drawn to him for a larger reason.

One day, I thought to myself, "what must my cousin be doing?" I decided to look him up and call him. I knew now that I was older, I could really confess my love. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. He was there, and we spoke briefly.

I said, "I love you."

He said, "thank you."

I said, "I don't think you know what I mean. I fell in love with you as a young girl, and I never stopped loving you."

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

I waited and finally said, "are you there?"

He said, "yes."

I said, "oh God. I'm sorry. Don't be angry with me. I have kept this inside for years, and I realized recently that I had to tell you how I have loved you for what seems like an eternity."

I knew he had been an angry person in the past and was afraid he might be upset that I had told him now.

I spoke again, "say something, Jim."

I could hear that he had lit a cigarette and taken a hit off it. I hadn't known whether or not he smoked but was not surprised.

"I'm thinking, he said."

"I have been meaning to tell you all my life, but I was too afraid," I said. "I love you. I'm in love with you."

"I know," he said. "I think I've always known. I love you, too, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with you."

"I don't care, Jim. My feelings for you will sustain themselves even if you do not return the love I have for you. I will always feel this way about you, though, and I want you to try to accept it, because it is innocent. I cannot stop loving you the way I do. I have pictured you naked and in my arms. I have made love to you in my dreams. We have done everything together. Our passion is wild and unabated when I dream of you, and I don't want the fantasies to stop even if you won't indulge my desire. I would go to the ends of the earth to be with you. I just don't want you to hate me for it, because if you hate me, I'll die."

"Wow. I knew you liked me, but I didn't know how much. Do you remember when we were kids?"

"Yes," I said.

"You were so cute. I loved seeing you. I felt like you were so special."

"I used to count the seconds until I could see you, Jim. I wanted to be near you all the time."

"You stopped visiting me at my house, though, and I didn't know why. We just stopped seeing you. What happened?"

"I don't know. All I remember is the last day I saw you. You were standing over by the window, and I came over to stand by you, and you reached out your hand and held mine, and I thought time would end. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground. Your hand felt warm in mine, and I knew I had to kiss you, but I didn't get up the courage that day."

"I thought so," he said. "There were times when I thought of calling you, but I didn't, because I didn't know how to talk to you. I loved you, too you know."

Jim took another hit off his cigarette and said, "where are you now?"

I said, "In my room at my mom's house. I got sick a few years ago and moved back in with my mom not long after. I'm sick. I have a mental illness."

He asked, "are you all right? Do you take medication and all that?"

"yes," I said. "I am very responsible about taking it. I even went back to college."

"I want you to be all right," he said. "I care about what happens to you."

"Can I meet you somewhere Jim?"

"I'm kinda busy, but I might be able to meet for coffee tomorrow."

I said, "perfect. I'll meet you at Starbucks on the corner of Main and Swift at 6pm then."

"I can do 6," he said. "If it's that late, I'll be done with work by then."

"Fine," I said.

The next day went by so quickly. In anticipation of our meeting, I took a late shower after going for a brief walk. I was breathing very fast and couldn't decide what to wear. I could barely think. My mind was going a mile a minute. The illness made my thoughts race, and knowing I would see him soon was not helping matters. I finally finished in the shower, picked out a nice outfit, and hopped in the car. I drove to the Starbucks and parked. I got out of my car and realized I was a bit early but felt good about it, because I thought it might calm me down. I was so nervous. I was about to see a man whom I'd loved all of my life for the first time in 20 years. All of a sudden the doors opened. A man with dark hair and alabaster skin walked inside the shop. I looked up, and he waved at me. He came over, but before he sat down, he touched my arm and gave me a small kiss on my cheek.

I said, "your kiss is so tender. Thank you."

He said, "I'm just glad you told me how you felt, and I wanted to express that to you. We have been apart for far too long, haven't we? So many memories have been formed and then forgotten that I have not shared with you, yet. I am so sorry."

He then touched my arm again and got up to order us both café lattes. As soon as the order was ready, he came back, and we talked for at least two hours. It was getting late, and we decided to go to his place to end the evening. We left the café and drove to his house in his car. We made our way inside as he was telling me that he had lived a solitary life, because he hadn't met anyone special, yet. We sat down on his couch.

I told him that I had never fallen in love with anyone else, so I just dated on and off over the years in between going back to college and dealing with my mental illness.

He told me I looked beautiful but sad.

I said, "Since we have been away from each other, I have been very sad. You were the only thing in my life that felt good. You were everything I wanted each day of m..."

He interrupted me with a kiss. This was no ordinary kiss, either. He held onto me and pressed his body to mine as I melted into his lips. We kissed passionately for about five minutes. My whole body lost control. I had become his completely. After five minutes, we pulled away from one another as he led me to his bedroom. He pushed some of his clothes off the bed and held onto me while gently guiding me to the edge of the bed. He parted my legs and then kissed me again. He then took his tongue and started licking my ear and flitting his tongue inside it. It felt so warm, and I began to feel a pleasure I had not experienced before. I started to shake. I had abandoned all of my body to his. I was in his complete control and never wanted it to stop.

He said, "you love me so much you're shaking."

I said, "yes. I love you completely."

He then moved his hands over to my pants and unbuttoned them and slid down the zipper. He then pulled them down and off of my legs. I was still shaking but did not want him to stop. He got down on his knees and looked at my pussy. It had gotten red and swollen, because I was about to make love to the only man I had ever felt this way about. I was about to give myself to someone I had cared for all of my life, and it was really happening now....right now.

As he parted my legs again to open them up more widely, I gasped. This was it!

I then felt his mouth on top of my clit, and his tongue started to lick me and flick at me. I was so wet, and my whole body was filling up with delight as I was also still shaking a little. He was sucking me off good, too. I could tell he knew what he was doing.

He asked, "what do you like?"

I said, "I love it when a man licks me from bottom to top."

He said, "I'm gonna take my tongue and lick your whole crotch."

He then did exactly that.

As he took his tongue and starting at my asshole licked my entire opening from ass to clit, I let out a loud, "ooooooooooohh oh God! Fuck me! Fuck me!"

He then took off his pants and shirt and pushed me down onto his bed. He had a huge cock and plunged every inch of it into me as my body and his became one. I was moving into him, and he was moving into me. Our hips were moving into each other's, and we were making love for the first time. Each of our bodies were thrusting into the other's. As we made love, I moved my hands up and down his back as he grinded his flesh into mine. We fucked for about an hour, and when we both were ready, we came together for the first time in our lives. I shook uncontrollably for a minute, and as we both calmed down a bit, we kissed each other again and again.

I had finally gotten what I wanted that night, and we would sleep in the same bed tonight, too. It felt like all of my dreams had come true. In the morning, I looked over at him and noticed he had morning wood.

I turned to him and said, "would you like me to blow you?"

He said, "yes."

I then moved down the bed, got on my knees, leaned over, and gave him the best blow job he'd ever had. I spit on it first and then used my hand and pulled and rubbed his cock while sucking the tip. My tongue circled around it, and he came after a few minutes.

I then got up on my knees, looked at him, and said, "let's do this again tonight."

He laughed and said, "I'll never stop doing this with you, will I?"

I said, "no. You're mine now."

We said we loved each other.