I had been in my bed, under the covers, crying, for about an hour and ten minutes, when my father enters my room after knocking very quietly. It's about two A.M. on a Wednesday morning, with the rest of the family asleep and the house silent. He pauses - it feels like for a long time. Then his feet takes quiet steps across the floor. I squirm with a tighter grip on my knees. He sits on my bed.
"Angel," he says. I feel a hand on the back of my head. He's stroking my hair. "I -- I just want to say that I'm really sorry. And that what happened tonight will never happen again. I've always been --" he takes a deep, pained breath "-- a man who can't keep his emotions in check. And after seeing -- after seeing you. Well. Something I'd thought about for a long time just took hold of me."
I could not respond with words. I just cried silently. I had accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to daddy's cell phone instead of my boyfriend's. A couple of hours ago, he had taken me down to the basement, into the laundry room, and made me take off my clothes. He then took off his pants and rubbed himself all over my breasts, my hair, my face, until he came on my shoulder while he held my face against his upper thigh. I had told him no but my dad is very forceful and abusive and he had ruled our house without any regard for our feelings.
On my bed, my dad started crying and he kept saying how sorry he was. I sat up slowly and hugged him and told him that I was upset but that I'd forgive him in time.
* * *
Two days later. Friday morning. Everyone had gone to work or school, except for me. I'm at home for spring break from college. I get out of bed, stretch, and take off my silk pajamas. I pull my robe on and I turn to leave the room to head for the shower.
Daddy's standing there. "Ah! You scared me," I say.
"Hi April."
Staring at my hulking father, all 6'4 of him. I can barely say, "I thought you were going to work."
"I'm staying home with you."
"I'm going shopping this morning, daddy." I begin to try to walk past him. He grabs my arm.
"We have to talk about something. Something very serious. Go sit on your bed. Now."
I look up at him, my eyes wild, stunned into a trembling numbness. Not quite controlling my own movements - and me, a 20-year-old college sophomore, a grown adult woman - I step back and half-sit, half-stumble on my bed.
Daddy pauses before he speaks, like he isn't sure where to start. "The other night, April, I told you I was sorry. But I was wrong."
"You said you were sorry and wrong the other night, daddy. Let's just please....drop it."
"No, angel, it's not that. It's that I was wrong to say that I was sorry when that wasn't true."
I look up and my jaw drops. I can't think of anything to say but I feel like something's about to happen. "I'm a sick man," he continues. "But I need a way to reign in my sickness. I need an outlet. And that's gonna have to be you, angel. It's the only way to tame the beast inside me."
My throat catches but I manage to say, "Daddy, what do you mean?"
"I mean that....well...I've been looking at the girls." He means my younger twin sisters, seniors in high school, just turned 18, identically adorable, and identically innocent. They were well on their way to well-adjusted, successful lives; their amazing success in school was leading them to top schools, with scholarships. I adored them; they were so unlike me, lacking my wild and rebellious streak. I broke rules even though dad was abusive and punishing.
"I've been looking at the girls," he continues, "and I can't keep my mind from thinking things I shouldn't think. I thought I could control myself with call girls but it was slipping away, my control, and I was about to....I don't even know what. And then..."
....he takes a couple of steps toward the bed....
"....I get your little message on my cell phone."
"That wasn't meant for you, daddy."
"Don't care. Here's the point. You're already a dirty little thing. They are pure. You're going to protect them."
"H-how?"
"By being Daddy's special little girl."
I scoot up the bed to get physical distance but a quick hand reaches out and grabs a handful of my thick, dark hair and yanks me close to him. I yell and try to push away and then I punch him in his stomach and then, quickly, before I even fully pull my hand back, I feel a sharp, stinging slap on my face. I'm then pulled completely off the bed by my hair, stumbling to the floor.
"You know I won't hesitate to punish disobedience around here, Lisa." I knew. He was not shy about hitting mom in front of us.