Ashes To Ashs Ch 01

Ashley Williams wasn't sure how to feel as the docking clamps locked into place, securing the Normandy SR2 to the Citadel. They had just returned from dealing with the Ardat Yakshi monastery on Lesuss and Ashley was keen to see her youngest sister again. Things had been tough for Sarah over the past few weeks. Her husband Thomas was a Second Lieutenant stationed on Demeter when The Reapers invaded, and he'd been killed in action. On top of that, Sarah hadn't taken it well when Ashley had been horribly injured two months ago. The last time Ashley had seen Sarah was just over a week ago when she'd joined her at her husband's memorial service. Ashley could still remember what she'd said to Sarah to try and build her spirits up.

"Remember the trip to the beach the Summer before I left for basic training? Abby was grumbling, missing some big party, remember? And Lynn had a new dress. She... she was so pretty. I always felt like an elephant next to her. It was a beautiful sunny day, but... we were fighting about stupid stuff. Being kids. Remember when Mom came up and hugged us all. A big, fierce hug. She said, 'this is one of the good days. Something you'll remember.' She was right." Ashley had paused there. "I love you guys," she added with tears in her eyes.

Sarah had opted to stay on The Citadel and had planned to stay with her mother, Lynn and Abby, but the place they were staying at didn't have enough room, so Ashley had talked Shepard into letting her stay in the apartment Admiral Anderson recently provided. However, when Shepard and the rest of the Normandy crew were off-station, Sarah was left by herself. Ashley knew her youngest sister would be lonely, and was looking forward to spending some time catching up. Shepard had told her they had two nights on The Citadel this visit and Ashley planned to make the most of them. She'd sent Sarah a message through the Extranet to say she was on her way, so as soon as Ashley had disembarked, Sarah was waiting there for her.

Ashley barely got a word out before she was squeezed in a hugged so tight he wondered how slender young Sarah could exert so much strength. She smiled, remembering that she probably got that from their mother, and stroked Sarah's hair gently. "I'm pleased to see you too, Sar."

"I'm so happy you're back!" Sarah said, squeezing her sister tightly. "It feels like forever since we spoke."

"I'm sorry, Sar. But, y'know... Shepard needs me," Ashley responded. "The galaxy needs me."

"I know, I know," Sarah said, disengaging from Ashley and hanging her shoulders in resignation. "It just feels like, one was or another, the universe is taking things from me. Mom, Lynn and Abby are at least all here on The Citadel, even if they're away on another ward arm and I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. But I've lost Thomas, and then almost lost you as well. I keep getting the horrible feeling you're not going to come back. Especially with you being with Shepard."

"I know it's tough for you, Sarah. But you're a Williams. You're tough and you'll overcome the odds. And don't forget, a lot of people right now have lost too. Some of them have lost a lot more."

"I know, I just... I just really miss Thomas," Sarah admitted. "We weren't even married that long, but we spent so much time together when we were. At least until this whole Reaper thing."

"Well, I'm here now," Ashley said, placing a comforting arm on Sarah's shoulder. "At least for a couple of nights. I can't promise you anything beyond that, but... remember Mom's words of advice for today."

"This is one of the good days," Sarah said, managing a smile. "Thanks, sis."

"Come on then, let's make the most of it," Ashley suggested.

The two Williams sisters decided to waste no time, hitting an entertainment arcade for a few hours before taking in a biotiball game and hitting a nice bar and restaurant for dinner and a bit of dancing. Sarah was still hurting from losing Thomas, so when the sisters hit the dance floor Ashley made sure to shoo away any interested men and the two just danced together. When they returned to their booth table to get some more drinks and order some dessert, Sarah suddenly became serious for the first time in the last few hours.

"Ash, you're staying on-station tonight, right?" Sarah asked her big sister.

"Technically, I suppose. I was probably going to stay on the Normandy. Why do you ask?"

"Well... I was just wondering... would you mind if you stayed with me in Admiral Anderson's apartment? That is, if nobody else is staying there?"

"I'm sure Shepard would have told me if anybody was going to be there tonight," Ashley declared patently. "I don't mind."

"Okay, thanks," Sarah said with a small grin. "Would you also be able to do me... another favor tonight?"

"Anything, Sar. What is it?"

"Well, it's a... a little embarrassing, but..." Sarah started, and she leaned in close and lowered her voice. "Would you mind if we, well... slept together?"

"There's no need to be embarrassed, Sar," Ashley said with a smile. "I understand that you're lonely. It's not like we didn't use to share a bed now and then when we were little after all." A pause. "Especially when there was a thunderstorm and you were scared of the lightning."

"Ash!" Sarah chided.

"Oh, come on, Sar! That was years ago," Ashley scoffed. "A lot of kids are scared of thunderstorms. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Except I still am a little scared of them," Sarah admitted quietly through clenched teeth.

"Wow, really?" Ashley asked. Sarah just nodded. "Sorry," Ashley added rather sheepishly, reddening a little.

"It's okay," Sarah answered. "I'm just glad you weren't too weirded out by my request. I mean... we're grown women now."

"We're still sisters, and I'll do anything I can for you to help get you through this," Ashley said, leaning forward and taking Sarah's hands in hers. "I'm not trying to say that I know how you feel, but while I haven't lost a husband, I have lost people close to me. And I know what it can feel like to be lonely."

"Thanks, Ash. You're the best," Sarah said.

"You make me want to be," Ashley said with a warm smile. "Everything I do, I do for you guys. You, Mom, Abby and Lynn. You're the world, no... the universe, to me."

The Williams sisters hugged, then continued their night of having fun. Eventually it came time to leave, so they returned to Anderson's apartment where they watched some vids until just after midnight. Sarah let out a loud yawn and stretched when the second movie had finished.

"I think I'll hit the sack," she said. "You coming too, or are you going to watch another?"

"I think I'll turn in too, yeah," Ashley admitted. "The day went by waaaayyy too fast."

"I know!" Sarah said, turning up her nose. "But I had a good time. First time in a long while that I have."

"I wish we could somehow rewind time and do it all again," Ashley said as she got to her feet. "Except, y'know, keep all the memories of the first time we did it."

"Me too," Sarah said. "It really was one of the good ones."

The Williams sisters both brushed their teeth and showered in separate bathrooms before retiring to the bedroom. Arriving back at around the same time, they both started undressing with their backs to each other, both stripping down to their underwear. Ashley heard Sarah say something as she tossed her Alliance issue tank top aside.

"I have no idea what you're talking about when you say you talk about Lynn," Sarah quipped.

Ashley looked over her shoulder to see Sarah standing there in bra and panties with hands on her hips and shaking her head. "Huh?"

"When you say you always felt like an elephant next to her," Sarah explained. "You have to be joking, right? I mean... look at you!"

"Come on, Sar. Lynn is waaaaaay slimmer than me," Ashley said.

"To skinny if you ask me," Sarah said with a snort. "I mean, yeah... she'd slim and pretty, but she'd probably break in half. You've at least got some meat on your bones."

"Thanks," Ashley said sarcastically. "Should I have said 'whale' instead of 'elephant?'"

"That's not what I mean!" Sarah dismissed. "You've got muscle, you're toned." She paused. "But you haven't lost your femininity." Another pause. "It's nice."

"Thanks, sis," Ashley said. "It's... nice of you to say."

Sarah just smiled and crawled into the left side of the bed, while Ashley took the right. They both said "good night" to each other before Sarah turned the light off, then turned their backs to each other and tried to drift off to sleep.

Ashley was just about to drift off when she heard a sound coming from behind her. She focused on the noise and it didn't take her long to realize that it was Sarah, crying softly. Her little sister's sobs stabbed Ashley's heart, and she eventually had to turn to look at Sarah. It was fairly dark, but Ashley could still make out Sarah's silhouette shuddering ever so slightly.

"Sarah," Ashley said. "Please don't cry."

For a few seconds the only answer Ashley got was more sobbing, but eventually Sarah replied.

"I-I-I can't help it, Ash," she said with a quiver. "I m-miss him so much. And he's... he's never coming back."

"I know," Ashley said, stroking Sarah's dark reddish hair gently. "It's tough. And I know all you can really do is grieve, and even then it won't bring him back. But don't forget..."

Ashley paused and shuffled closer, wrapping her arms comfortingly around Sarah's waist. "I'm here," she finished.

Sarah turned to face her, the small amount of ambient light catching the wet around her eyes to make them shine. She reached up and stroked Ashley's cheek, and Ashley smiled warmly. Sarah smiled back, sniffing, then turned away and then let her head rest on the pillow again.

"Thanks, Ash," she whispered, closing her eyes.

"I love you, Sar," Ashley replied. "Don't ever forget that."

"I won't," Sarah responded, her hushed words barely audible. Ashley rested her chin against Sarah's shoulder and held her sister close, then closed her eyes and tried to drift off again.

After a short time asleep, Ashley woke again and noticed Sarah was sleeping soundly. Feeling rather warm pressed up against her, Ashley carefully slipped her arms free from Sarah and rolled over to her side of the bed, onto her back. She closed her eyes and began to drift off again, only to be interrupted again just before she could begin dozing by another sound coming from Sarah's side of the bed.

Sarah was whimpering again, so Ashley turned to look. Sarah was on her back now too, but just as Ashley was about to speak to her again she noticed that Sarah wasn't crying this time, despite the similar sounding noise. Sarah had her head titled back, pressed into the pillow more than normal, and the small cries were different this time. Ashley listened more carefully, then began to figure out that while there was a certain sadness to the noises coming from her sister's mouth, there were also mewls of what sounded like pleasure. A moment later Ashley noticed the slight movement of the sheets covering Sarah and it dawned on her what was going on.

'Oh my God,' Ashley thought. 'Sarah is masturbating!'

Ashley tried to ignore what was going on right beside her, but it was pretty hard to given the circumstances. Sarah was beginning to get into it more, and her gasps and squeaks were becoming louder. Ashley tried to block them out, but then just ended up noticing a wet squelching and rubbing sounds coming from between Sarah's legs. Ashley didn't even know why she looked across at Sarah, but she did. Sarah's face was in profile, her head tipped back and her mouth open. She also noticed Sarah's eyes were open now. Ashley's head movement seemed to draw Sarah's attention, and she heard her sister gasp and start to turn towards her. Ashley quickly tried to feign that she'd merely turned her head in her sleep by closing her eyes and making light sleeping sounds, but it didn't work.

"A-A-Ash?" came Sarah's questioning voice in the now deathly silence. There was a brief pause. "I know you... I know you're awake."

Ashley tried to maintain the ruse for a few seconds longer, but she swore she could feel Sarah's eyes on her now. She sighed in resignation and opened them. Sarah was turned to face her now, looking scared and uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Sar," Ashley sighed. "I didn't mean to... It's just that you, kind of woke me up."

"Y-Y-You're apologizing to me?" Sarah said with shocked awe. "I should be apologizing to you! I shouldn't have started doing that. Not tonight, with you here."

"It's okay," Ashley tried to assure her, though she wasn't sure if she was convincing Sarah or herself more. "We all need to scratch that itch now and then. There's nothing wrong with it."

"There is when you're sleeping beside your sister," Sarah said matter-of-factly. "I should have had the self control to give it a rest for just a couple of nights." She sighed. "I'm sorry, Ash."

"You really miss him, huh?" Ashley responded, hoping the discussion might get less awkward if she veered it more towards the probable source rather than what it had resulted in.

"I d-do," Sarah said, her voice starting to break up. "Oh Ash, I miss him more than anything. And... and I'm starting to feel selfish and shallow for it."

"There's nothing selfish or shallow about missing your dead husband," Ashley countered. She realized a moment after she'd said it that it came out as incredibly blunt, but it had already been said by then. Thankfully Sarah wasn't insulted.

"There is when... when I start to feel that... that what I miss more was being with him than actually missing... him... if you follow me?"

Ashley didn't, and she shifted onto her side to give Sarah her full attention. "I don't think I do, Sar. What are you talking about?"

"It's hard to explain further without getting... personal," Sarah said, her cheeks reddening again. "It's probably best I not go into it."

"Sar, this is me you're talking to," Ashley said, reaching out to stroke Sarah's hair gently. "You can tell me anything. I'm not going to think less of you for it, no matter what it is."

"Well, okay," Sarah said, and she took a deep breath. "It's just that when... when we were together, and I mean together intimately, it was just... so magical."

Sarah looked at Ashley to see if she was being too disturbed by this, but Ashley just had a "go on" look on her face. She seemed to be genuinely interested and care about where Sarah was going, despite the subject matter.

"We weren't just having sex. That's what a lot of people do. He really did make love to me, like in a romance novel," Sarah went on. "He was a large, strong man, but he could be so gentle and caring. It's like we were made to be together sexually, Ash. It took no time at all for him to work out the things I liked. Y'know, how I liked to be kissed. How I liked to be touched. The speed, the tempo... the art of the act. Everything was just... perfect, y'know?"

"I kind of wish I did," Ashley said. "Sounds like you two had a far more satisfying sex life than I've ever had."

"It's probably really rare for two people to really connect on a level that deep," Sarah said. "To synergise like that. It's like he just knew me completely before he even knew me."

Sarah sighed with what sounded like satisfaction, looking to the ceiling as a tear rolled down one cheek. "Sometimes he used to just slide up behind me and wrap his arms around me. It'd send tingles down my spine just from him gently stroking down the sides of my arms. He'd plant small kisses from just behind my ear and trail them down my neck to my shoulder, then his fingertips would tickle their way down the bare skin of my side and hips." Sarah giggled to herself, and her voice grew breathier. "And soon after, just when I was starting to get worked up, he'd gently slide himself into me from behind, gradually building up his speed as he cupped my breasts and rolled the nipples between his thumb and forefinger, still nibbling at my neck, shoulders and earlobes now and then."

Sarah had got lost in the moment, and it wasn't until she felt her own fingers slipping between her legs that she realized it and pulled herself out of it. She looked across to Ashley, wide-eyed and red-faced. Ashley's expression was similar, thought not quite as mortified. The older Williams decided to break the awkward silence to save her sister the embarrassment.

"Sounds like you both had quite the love life," Ashley said, trying to add some humor to her voice.

"Yeah," Sarah replied in conjunction with a heavy breath, followed by another long exhalation. "My words don't... do it justice."

"I can definitely understand why you'd miss it," Ashley said, trying to sound understanding. "It's hard to find somebody you connect with so perfectly. You two had something special."

"But that's the problem, Ash," Sarah said with a frustrated smile, tears beginning to form again. "I'm not even really sure what it was I loved and missed. What it really Thomas, or was it just the great sex we had together?"

Ashley wasn't quite sure how to answer that, so she just let the question remain unanswered for now. Sarah looked back up to the ceiling and sobbed.

"That's why I feel so selfish and shallow about this all," Sarah stated. "It feels like I'm betraying him and not respecting him, because I need to try and make myself feel good like this to stop it tearing me apart and to go on. Shouldn't I be dealing with his death? Shouldn't I be trying to remember Thomas for who he is, and not just how he pleasured me? Instead each night I'm here in bed, trying to relive only the moments we shared that got me off."

Ashley let Sarah lay silent for a few seconds after her little self-deprecating rant, then eventually decided to speak up. She wasn't sure if what she was about to say was going to be good advice, but it was all she could think of right now.

"Sar, you can't blame yourself for going through this," she stated. "You lost somebody very special to you, who also happened to be great in the sack."

Ashley tried to make that last sentence seem more upbeat to lighten the mood, the switched back to serious Ash.

"When people lose somebody that they truly care about, they can grieve for them in different ways. You and Thomas had a special connection that happened to extend to the bedroom, and that was a very memorable experience for you. Just because you've chosen to focus on that aspect of the short amount of time you spent together, doesn't make it any less memorable and special, and it doesn't mean you're selling what you had short for selfish reasons. You're just choosing moments you spent together that were very meaningful to you. And I'm sure they were to him too. You said yourself that it's probably really rare for two people to really connect on a level that deep. Think about that, and I think you'll find that you're honoring his memory if anything."

Sarah just stared at her older sister with wide eyes, speechless for a moment. She eventually swallowed, her gaze returning to the ceiling. A small smile came to her lips and a tear ran down her cheek.

"Wow, Ash," she managed to get out after a few more moments. "You sure know to put things into perspective."

"I doubt it's that simple," Ashley said. "But perhaps it's a place to start."

"Perhaps it is," Sarah said, though she still didn't sound entirely convinced. Ashley reached over and encouraged Sarah to face her again.

"I'm sure that one day, you'll find somebody who can make you feel special again," Ashley said. "It might not be exactly the same, but the sun will rise for Sarah Williams again. I'm sure of it. And I will do whatever I can for you to make sure it does."

"I know you will, sis," Sarah said, reaching over to touch her sister's cheek. "You've always been there for me."