October had come too quickly. It came in a daze of dark thoughts and panic spanning the unhappiest year of my life as my tumultuous relationship finally came to an end.
This last month and half I'd been avoiding the subject with concerned family and friends altogether, preferring instead to submerge myself in work. But today I was alone and the crippling silence invading my childhood home sent chills through me, even as I blasted every electronic device I could find. This is what prompted me to don my heaviest coat and leave the house to dwell on its emptiness.
Choosing what seemed like the driest spot on the lawn, I laid back on my thick blanket and closed my eyes. What little sunlight pervaded the dense autumn clouds warmed my cheeks as a light breeze blew in from the west, carrying with it the scent of the ocean just beyond the short length of trees behind our house. I would have the place to myself for the next week - my parents having gone on vacation somewhere hot with sand and palm trees - so I needed to find more distracting things to do than sit around feeling sorry for myself. It wasn't just that I was avoiding my recent issues with my parents. I hadn't been facing it myself, either. I didn't want to think about when or why my relationship had gone south or how it had changed me as a person.
As my mind shifted toward darker topics, I instead tried to focus my attention outward. I took notice of the strands of hair ticking my cheek and neck, the overgrown grass between my fingers outstretched above my head, smelled the air thick with the scent of rain and rotting leaves. All of it made me feel so cozy and nostalgic for a childhood I'd recently forgotten.
October had always been my favorite month of the year. I wanted to soak it all in and enjoy my new-found freedom. I suddenly had the ability to go wherever I wanted, do whatever I wanted, all without being tied down by the wants and wishes of someone with only their own interests in mind. I decided to revel in this feeling and spend this time doing whatever I liked. My resolution set in place, I felt a little happier with myself.
Between this newfound sense of contentment and the warmth generated from the many layers of clothes I wore, I began to doze off. More than once my thoughts went back to a dark place, but I shook my head free of them and again emptied my mind. Somehow this battle became more difficult as images kept clawing their way to the forefront and before I could stop it, the memory of an angry face rushed back to me like a speeding train.
I started awake, terror taking hold as I saw a blurry face hovering over me.
"Della," came a soft, deep voice. "It's okay, it's just me."
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and felt my entire body relax as I saw a familiar face peering down at me. It was different than the last time I'd seen it though, with a lovely tan and hair that curled around the top of his head where he'd left it long. His brow furrowed, concern marring his usually laughing green eyes. Before he could speak I lunged at him, nearly knocking him to the ground as I wrapped him in a tight hug. I inhaled the heady scent of travel mixed with warm spices and it hit me how much I'd missed the smell of my twin.
"Woah, Della," he laughed. "You okay?"
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I deflected and released my choke-hold on his neck.
"I wanted to surprise you," he smiled warmly, adding with a shrug," and Mom called me. She seemed a little worried about you."
I looked away and sighed. I hadn't seen Cole since Christmas and the first time he'd made an effort was when our mother goaded him into it.
"I'm fine," I said stubbornly. "I'm... I guess I'm just working through some things."
Cole nodded slowly.
"It's getting cold out here. Why don't we go inside?"
He stood and held out his hand to help me up. Despite the weight of his large backpack, he still leaned down to scoop up my blanket for me. I smiled in thanks and led the way into the kitchen.
"Was it a very long trip?" I asked as he dropped his things near the doorway with a relieved sigh.
He nodded and tried painfully to bend his back in the other direction.
"Go ahead and get cleaned up. I'll make us some dinner," I said.
"Thanks, Della," he smiled and kissed the top of my head. Though we were twins, he was a full head taller than me and could comfortably rest his chin on the top of my head. He did so now and wrapped his muscular arms around my shoulders.
I felt a twinge in my belly as he held me tightly against his chest. It was a strange sensation - almost like butterflies. I marveled at how strong he felt around me and how safe I felt having him near.
"I missed you," he breathed against my hair.
"I missed you, too."
We stood there for a long time listening to each other breathe. We often did this when we were little until our breathing and even our heartbeats would synchronize. It felt natural, like two halves coming together.
He gave me another light squeeze and slung his bag over his shoulder again.
"I'll be quick," he called as he retreated up the stairs.
I smiled after him, feeling incredibly comforted. Cole had always been able to put me at ease no matter what was stressing me out. Maybe that's why this last year had been so difficult. Even when we left home for college and moved across the country from each other, we kept in steady contact. It was sometime and the beginning of last year when we lost touch; right around when me and my last boyfriend moved in together.
The smile fell from my face as I unintentionally let those memories creep in. I felt my jaw tense and decided to set about chopping vegetables instead of giving in to the impulse to smash something.
By the time Cole came downstairs I had some potatoes boiling on the stove and vegetables roasting in the oven.
"Feel better?" I asked as a wonderfully scented waft of air billowed toward me when Cole walked by.
"Much," he replied, eyes smiling down at me. "I can take over if you like."
"Aren't you tired?" I countered.
