"I'll get it."
"You don't have to."
"Split it?" I reply. It's a couple of weeks before graduation and I'm on a date with Alice, a girl I met at the gym. Yesterday I was on a date with Thomas, a guy from my English class.
In the four years since I started college I've been on over a hundred dates, girls and guys in equal measure. But I've found noone special. I haven't figured myself out. Am I bi? I saw this girl Alice in the changing room - fitness model body, visible abs and tone everywhere. Lovely face, long dark brown hair. Conventionally she is beautiful, and she's in medical school.
We've spoken for 45 minutes but we both feel restless to leave. There's no heat between us. Thomas yesterday was the same - he can tell fascinating stories from all the literature he's read, and he's certainly a good-looking man. But again, I felt nothing. I've had sex once a term when I've found a guy I liked. And only guys. A couple of girls I've kissed, but no further. I felt nothing, as interesting to talk to as they are.
So I don't think I'm attracted to women, and Alice is looking like my last same-sex date. We pay our half, give a friendly hug, then are on our way. I go back to my room, thinking of my dating life. It hasn't been successful, I haven't had sex with the same person more than once. When I was a freshman I had guys try to charm me - buy me cocktails, occasionally jewellery, and I'd go to their rooms.
But as soon as they were done, that was it. I was dead to them as once their balls were emptied. I felt so used, so.... alone and unloved. Since then I put up a bit of a wall, taking extra time to date the guy before sleeping together. Again, when morning comes, he moves on.
Still, relationships aren't all life's about. I've secured an internship at a New York law firm. I am studying hard, as I want to take the New York bar exam next year and be a successful lawyer. I'll make my career my main focus, and if the right man appears that's icing on the cake. But if not, and my future is as a single professional woman, I will learn to be at peace with that. My family are Roman Catholic although lapsed since the abuse scandals leaked. However, if there is a plan from God or the universe, a soulmate apparently isn't in mine. So I should focus on how I can help others by ensuring that everyone gets the justice they deserve.
Two weeks pass, and it's the graduation ceremony. As I stand with my classmates, I notice my mother, three cousins, and two of my best friends from high school. They're all waving, proud that I made it. The friends I see occasionally, we stayed in touch, but they both studied in the South West so I've only met them during the holidays. My cousins, we have big family meet ups and I will go to their graduations in the next two years. We're friendly, we get on OK, but I wouldn't tell them my secrets.
My deepest secret is waving at me, and sitting next to that high school friend. My mother is a good caring woman. I'm her only child, she devoted her life to raising me when my dad passed away in Afghanistan. She herself has been alone since his death, and remains single, despite me making a dating profile for her on every app and paying with my own money for premium subscriptions. I want her to find someone, she deserves personal happiness after sacrificing so much.
The ceremony continues, I'm awarded a high GPA - but just missed out on valedictorian, so I have to listen to the speech. Simon, our valedictorian, is a genuine nice guy. I had one of my many dates with him, but again no heat. He's perhaps the only guy who I would bet money on to sleep with me and still date me again. He'd listen, do his best to make sure I enjoyed it too, and continue to be serious after sex. Is it me Simon? You're great, why couldn't I just have had burning chemistry with you and the whole romantic question be solved forever?
But yes, the secret. My mother sacrificed for me, and cares for me with all the love she has in that vast heart of hers. So one night, the first night of the Christmas holiday when I was a freshman, I was miserable. I'd been away for so long, and guys used me as I've been describing - charming me, sleeping with me, leaving me. Eventually I opened up about this to her; my mother understood and comforted me. In the moment, as she was trying to do the caring thing, we went a bit too far. Let's just say if we were unrelated, it would have been the most lesbian experience of my life.
But we never repeated. Since that night we became awkward around each other, sometimes rude, sometimes snarky. I spent as much of the holidays as I could with friends from college: skiing vacations, one trip to Greece, this summer I saw six European capitals. When visiting London my mom liked a selfie of me in a red British telephone booth (or phone box as they call it) and I blocked her on Instagram. She knew why, it was a sign to say: you're my mother, you find your partner and I'll find mine. I'm an adult, you are too, we can't be doing these creepy and sick things together. If you're a good mom, you'll teach good boundaries.
But I'm glad she's here. I'm glad she's sharing in this initial success and I know she'll support me through the bar exam. I'm not going to be super close to her again, but I know if I'm in trouble she'll do what she's supposed to do.
Tonight, there's a graduation party at the student bar I went on the date with Alice to. Every graduating student is invited, family and friends can come if they solemnly swear not to embarrass their child. I don't mind, I'd like to hear how my friends are doing and maybe I can meet someone I haven't yet dated.
The party is fairly quiet, perhaps the presence of family subdues the atmosphere too much. Most people are sitting at tables, chatting. There's a band, I think they're supposed to be a Maroon 5 tribute, but they don't get any of us dancing. I've been chatting to my high school friends, and Tara, my oldest friend of all, is showing me pictures of her new boyfriend, Andrew.
"Any vacations planned?" I ask her.
"Yes actually, guess where."
"Paris?" I guess first. Andrew looks like a nice, romantic boy so perhaps he'll take her somewhere obvious but somewhere to make us envious.
"A clue, it's not a city."
"Ok, the Grand Canyon?"
"No, OK another clue - it used to be sacred, a long time ago."
"The pyramids?"
"No but it's a wonder of the world."
"Macchu Picchu?"
"Yes!"
"Wow."
"Yeah we're flying out next week, get to see Peru, he's been telling me about the whole Inca civilization. Last night he put Raiders of the Lost Ark on, and the opening scene freaked me out, but he keeps saying we won't meet any snakes or poisoned darts."
We all laugh, and I have to ask further.
"Maybe something silver or platinum though?"
"Maybe. I hope so." Tara's dreamed of a perfect wedding ever since I've known her, and I'm happy for her, truly I am. She's been a good friend, but right now I'm experiencing what I've heard is called the Oscar Effect: you lose, somebody else wins, but you have to smile and applaud them while giving an Oscar-worthy performance at pretending you're not remotely jealous.
Our other friend, Laura, nudges my shoulder and points to my right: "Grace, a guy over there, he's looking at you."
I turn around and see a guy, who seems to be in Simon's group, glancing at me. He looks back, notices I'm looking at him, keeps eye contact, then drinks from his beer bottle. One of his friends taps him on the shoulder and he looks away. Does he just not want to appear creepy? He looks like my type: similar skin tone to myself, maybe a similar ethnic mix. A few inches taller, short slightly curly hair and good arms. Laura and Tara whisper at me to go and talk to him. I finish my drink, stand up, and see if I can make something of this.
I walk to the possible admirer, and he sees me. I get to him first and need the opening line. I come out with: "Hi, is this the smart people group, for valedictorians?"
"My school friend Simon is the smart one. I dropped out."
"Oh sorry, what did you drop out of?"
"Law. My dad's a lawyer and made me go. I only ever wanted to be a rally car driver. I tried, really I did, but failed the sophomore year. Dropped out."
"Oh shame. Well good luck with the rally car career I guess."
"Not happening, didn't make the trials I needed."
"Ok well still you know, one window closes a door opens."
"Yeah.... Enough about my life, I think I recognized you sitting near Simon."
"You might have yeah, we did the same major."
"He beat you right? Higher GPA?"
"Yeah by point oh-one but still."
"You doing an internship next month too?"
"A rival law firm to Simon but both in New York."
"OK, well hope you beat him in a case, have a rematch haha. I'm gonna get back to-"
"Sure, I will as well."
I head back to my friends' table. That wasn't the plan but never mind. With raised eyebrows I communicate our failure to breach the mutual awkwardness barrier. Laura asks "Never mind Grace, it's not always meant to be. By the way how's your mom?"
Laura used to stay round mine a lot to escape a very difficult home life. She loved my mom's cooking, and whenever we meet up always asks after her.
"Oh she's good. She's staying at the Baccarat Hotel nearby. Gonna fly home together tomorrow."
