I went to bed that night, knowing I would not sleep. I knew I had not said the right thing, but I didn't know what the "right thing" was at this point.
As I lay in bed, I heard Becky go to the washroom, and then back to her room. I had set out that evening to make things right between us -- or so I thought. Obviously I just had to set things straight for myself, Becky had no idea there was even an issue. I still wanted things to be right, and I didn't know what to do.
I quietly tapped on her door. I knew she was awake, even though it was almost 2 AM.
"Come in." She said, and I entered.
I stood in front of her not knowing what to say. I shut the door and just stood there, staring at the floor. My emotions welled up in me, and though I clenched my jaw and fought hard, I started to cry.
"Please don't do that." She said, "It is too hard to be angry at you when you do that." But I sobbed. Finally, after gaining enough composure to speak, I said,
"The last thing I wanted to do tonight was hurt your feelings. I clearly had an issue, I didn't know how to deal with it. I thought talking it through would be best, and it was. For me. You were blind sided by this, and I am so sorry the discussion went as it did."
"Did you mean what you said?" she asked me.
"Well, I'm not sure about what I said. But let me try to clearly iterate what I mean." I breathed deeply, thinking hard. "I want to say something, and I am going to mess it up a little. Please, you know that I love you and would never hurt you. That I love you unconditionally, and anything I say that seems hurtful is just me fucking up what I mean to say, okay?"
She merely nodded, looking anxiously at me.
"Okay," I said. "Let me try to explain myself. We are both adults, and as we became adults, we developed adult bodies."
She laughed at me. "No kidding. Come on, just tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm trying to!" I protested. "When I saw you naked I was surprised by several things. First, of course, seeing you naked. I don't think I have for about 12 years. Second, I was surprised by your body. I don't think of you as a woman. I think of you as my twin, my sister, not a sexual being." I stopped here and thought for a few seconds. She stared at me, unblinking. "When I saw you naked I realized that I found you attractive. Now I think there are several reasons for this." The nerdy, overly intellectual academic had reared his ugly head. "I know you, and we obviously have many compatible beliefs and lifestyles. It is natural that I would be drawn to you."
I stopped short. I realized what I would say next had the potential to be very hurtful. How do I phrase this.....
"After seeing you naked I realized that you have a body type that I find very attractive. It isn't because I haven't seen anyone naked. I've looked at lots of bodies on the internet." I could feel myself blush, and Becky looked away. "I saw your whole body, and it is appealing."
She started to say something, and I cut her off. "Please don't say anything. I want to tell you what I'm thinking, and then you need to deal with me. But not before I'm done."
She nodded.
"I don't want our relationship to be this screwed up when we leave for college." I said. "You are the most important person in my world, you are my best friend." I looked at her, she was looking at the bedspread on which she was sitting. "You know that we will be close forever. Please, this is a teenage boy thing. You have a nice body and I noticed, that's all. Let's get over this, okay?"
I looked up. She was crying.
"Bob, I don't know what to say. I'm surprised by this, of course, but I need to confess something to you now, and I didn't think I'd ever be saying it out loud."
I looked at her expectantly.
"I've watched you masturbate."
I was shocked, dumbfounded. "How?" was all I managed to get out.
She was crimson, and looking at the floor with tears in her eyes.
"One morning when you thought I was going to work, I think. Just a couple of weeks ago. I think you thought you were alone in the house, your door was open a bit and you were in bed."
I knew exactly which morning she meant.
"Tell me what you saw." I said to her, with no heat or anger in my voice.
"I was going to get you up and make you breakfast. But when I sneaked up to the door to see if you were still sleeping I could see that you were naked and...well..."
"Keep going. What did you see?" I asked, curious myself.
"Well, you had your hand around your, uh, you know, and you moved it up and down pretty fast. I saw this and left. But I came back pretty soon. You were still doing it, and then white stuff came out. I guess you had an orgasm."
Her voice became very small at the end, almost a whisper.
The silence in the room was palpable. I was shocked, and she was doing her best not to burst into tears.
"Well," I said, "I guess we're even. Listen, let's please put this behind us. We both have college in just a few short weeks, and I'm sure we're both going to get plenty of action."
"BOB!" she giggled. "I know I'm going to be a good girl. No hanky panky for me!"
"Liar!" I said. "Look, we're both geeks to some degree. I assume you had messed around with guys somewhat. We're both going to get lucky in college, and this whole issue will seem like a big joke. Let's move on."
She looked at me incredulously. "Why would you assume I've messed around? I have never even kissed a guy!"
"Don't worry," I said, "guys will be all over you at college."
"Not likely." She said. "But look, it is 3 in the morning. Let's get some sleep. This was a good talk and I feel better, okay?"
