A/N: Thanks for all the comments on my previous submissions. Enjoy!
*****
The next day we were back to normal. Whatever normal means. We were laughing and joking around with each other. My brother seemed like whatever had gotten him down yesterday wasn't an issue today. And it made me happy to see him smiling again.
I still feel guilty about what I did last night, but I figure what Jesse doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, I won't ever do it again. That little phase of my life was over, it had to be.
Jess and I headed out to our game, and we talked about stupid meaningless things for most of the ride. But when we were about five minutes away from the field he got kind of quiet.
"Michael...I was thinking, maybe, if you, well, I mean, if we win, like you could stay. It wouldn't be a big deal, you know? Like it's not like we'd even be looking at each other, really. If you want." He finally muttered, twirling his thumbs together and looking out the passenger window, away from me.
I was shocked. I paused for a second.
"Where is this coming from?" I asked quietly. God, had he been awake last night? I felt sick to my stomach.
"Well, I just figured you know, this was your team, and I just sort of came in, and now you can't...you know. It doesn't seem really fair. That's all." He said, blushing. He still wouldn't make eye contact with me. I let out a sigh of relief.
But why was he offering this to me? I hadn't told him I was gay. I mean, no one else on the team was gay. It was just something we did once in a while. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I like women. I just did this sometimes. That's all. I think. He couldn't think I was gay. My brother knew me better than anyone, and if he thought I was gay, then I must be.
God, I couldn't be a fag. If Dad found out... And besides, how could I be Jesse's protecting big brother if I was gay? How could he look up to me if I was gay? I was supposed to be the normal one. He looked up to me because I was the normal one. I was perfect, athletic, a ladies man, I got good grades. Oh God. Both of us couldn't be gay... God, if Dad found out we were both gay and living together... I shuddered. I had to be normal, for Dad, for Jesse and for me.
"You know I'm not queer, right?" I blurted out. Now it was my turn to stare out the window and avoid eye contact.
"What? Yes, I know. I mean, it's just something you do to blow off steam or whatever. Right? Of course you aren't gay...you're...better than that." He murmured.
Our parents had ingrained in us a few basic things before they (ironically) divorced. They taught us that love was between a man and a woman, anything else was wrong. They also taught us about the gender binary, men had to be men, and women had to be women. That was that.
When my brother came out to me, he was so afraid that our parents would find out. And he was afraid that I would hate him. I didn't, of course. I don't care if other people are gay, I just can't be gay. Having sex with a man is one thing, being able to be in love with a man, well, that's completely different. Or at least, that's what I tried to convince myself.
Jesse hates being gay. I know he can't help it. He can't help hating himself, it's what our parents taught us. Jess doesn't hate other gay people, but he hates himself. If I were gay, I would hate myself too. That's why I can't be gay.
"Yeah, exactly Jess. I just do it to blow off steam." I said, quietly.
