Years ago when I was a young man I got a sweet gig in a band that toured resorts around the world. We sang cover songs and played big hotels in some of the most exotic places in the world. I was in heaven. I was singing for a living and meeting great people, having amazing parties and getting laid by fantastic women.
On one particular tour in Dubai we hired a woman to replace the female lead singer and this lady, Ariel, was a friend of a friend from back home. It was great to spend time with a person from near where I was from, and talk about old times with people Ariel and I both knew.
After a few weeks Ariel and I started sleeping together. She was an elfin girl, five foot three maybe, super fit, with an amazing body. Ariel was also an actress so she was very pretty and had a huge personality. It was some of the best sex I had ever had. We went at it day and night. We were young, had more money than we had ever had and the crowds went crazy for our singing.
Then she got pregnant.
It was one of those shitty one in million chances. We used condoms, and she was on the pill but somehow she still got pregnant.
We panicked a bit thinking it was the end of our lives. I was 22 and she was 20. Yet in the end we worked it out. She would go home to live with her folks and I would finish my next two contracts in Asia, then come join her.
When our Dubai gig ended we both flew back to Canada and set up house at her parents. It was embarrassing to come home like that and meet her family, but they were cool and we got along great. When I left there was much crying, but also a strange sense of relief from her that confused me.
We talked all the time on the phone and I sent her money and played my shows. Between Bangkok and Singapore, the city that was supposed to be my last in the band I went back to Canada to visit Ariel. It was awkward and we talked a lot about our life. I couldn't keep my hands off the bump growing in her belly, but we didn't sleep together. I was a guest in her parents' home.
Before I left she told me she didn't love me, and that she didn't think we should be a couple. Ariel wanted me to be in the baby's life, but that I should go live my life and not sacrifice my dreams for them. It was crazy. I felt so much guilt and shame because that is what I wanted too. We spoke with her parents and I called mine and in the end I left and went back to my life and agreed to be the daddy, but only from afar.
I continued with my tours and whenever I had time off I travelled to stay with Ariel and our baby Ava, the most adorable little girl in the world. Whenever I came home my folks would come to stay as well and we all became an unusual but close family.
I started writing original songs and sending them to friends in the music business and I still enjoyed singing in the band immensely. My life was still that of a young man on the road, and when I wanted I had this little family thing going that was fun as well.
Then Ariel met someone. Ava was seven and I was in Taiwan when Ariel phoned and told me she was in love, and going to get married.
The next visit I would have had with them I opted out to give the newlyweds some space. The next time was Christmas and the group of them went to his parents place for the holidays, so I spent it with my folks at their place.
One thing led to another and the visits became fewer and farther between.
I never lost touch and still sent money, but now it went to Ava's future and not to the necessities of life. I was superfluous and it hurt a little. There they were living a normal life and as I grew older and lonelier I realized I was never going to be a rock star.
I focused more on writing for others and actually had a number one hit for a summer. I was listed as a co-writer for the singer but it was my song with minor tweaks from someone in the studio. I now had a lot more money and was in more demand as a song writer. It wasn't enough to live off of, but as a bonus to my gigging money it was great. I bought a little house on the beach in Mexico and for the first time in my life owned more than what I could carry in a suitcase.
Then I turned forty and wondered if touring was my passion anymore.
I hadn't seen Ava in a couple years, I had no lover, few friends and I was tired.
I left the band and moved to my place in Mexico. I was writing full time and built a small studio in a room in the beach house. I was nervous about money, but there was enough saved up that I could coast for a while and still be in good shape. I needed to make a change in my life and now was the time.
Ava graduated from high school and was now eighteen. A grown woman. At least in her own eyes. She told us that she wanted to come live with me for the summer before she started college and I loved the idea. I hadn't seen her in over two years and I missed her.
When she stepped off the plane I almost didn't recognize her. She was a gorgeous young woman. I could see her mother in her, and myself, but mostly she was her own person and she looked fabulous. She was five foot six, petite and fit. Her long honey brown hair was loose and curled, her big green eyes wide open and thrilled to see me, her pretty pink mouth spread in a wide smile of joy.
We hugged and I held her to me, so happy to feel this complete. It had been so long since I felt so connected to somebody and feeling her firm body vibrating with so much emotion made me feel overwhelmed and I was filled with an overabundance of gratitude for having a daughter so happy to see me.
We went for dinner and tried to catch up, but both of us were babbling about our lives. She told me about her Mom and Dad, yes it broke my heart a little to hear her call Gavin Dad, and I tried to tell her about my music but I wanted to know about her and never finished any thoughts. We had some wine with dinner and she got drunk right away having never had alcohol before.
As the conversation progressed two things struck me about Ava. One was that she was very mature and smart. I had known she was intelligent, but her maturity was a surprise. More than once she made observations about her life that made me realize how tuned into herself and the world around her she was. I was very proud of that, even though I had very little to do with it.
The other thing that struck me was in direct contrast to her maturity. Ava was very sheltered. We had spent a lot of money on her education, putting her in a private school with only two hundred other students from grade 3 to 12. It wasn't my call, but I liked that she was getting a very hands on education. Yet now I could see that she hadn't experienced much of the regular high school life I expected to hear from her.
As we got to know each other again that night over dinner and on the drive back home she told me she had never had alcohol, never been to a rock concert, never had a driver's licence, never been abroad until now, and didn't swear. She had never even had a boyfriend.
"You've never had a boyfriend?!" I was incredulous.
"Well I went on a couple dates, but..."
"There were boys at yours school though right?"
"Yeah, but they were like brothers to me. I knew them, like, my whole life." She looked repulsed by the thought.
"What about guys in your neighborhood, or whatever?"
"I never met any I liked enough."
"So you've never fooled around with a boy?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know... messing around with sex stuff...?" I lost steam part way through that comment as it suddenly seemed too invasive.
"Oh God Glen! No!" It hurt that she called me Glen and not Dad, but I understood that to her Gavin was Dad.
"I'm sorry. We can change the subject if you want."
We sat in silence for a moment letting that sink in. Later we resumed when at home. We were now sitting on the back veranda the surf crashing thirty feet away the night warm and sultry sipping wine.
"Um..., did you have sex in high school?" Her voice was soft and tentative, but I could hear the curiosity that impelled her to break the silence. I wanted her to know me, and I hated to deny her anything, always had, so I answered.
"Yeah. I had a few girlfriends, and we had sex a lot. Once we started it was really hard to stop. It felt so good. Y'know."
"No, I don't." she sounded really sad. "I think I have a normal sexual appetite, I suppose, but I'm shy about it."
She was looking off into the night sky and seemed wistful. I wasn't sure where she was going with this, but I remembered being young and awkward so I spoke. "When we are young sex can seem so big. So overwhelming, and as your mom and I can attests it can have powerful ramifications, but it is pretty cool, and ultimately not that big a deal. We all have it, like it and it certain ways, and crave it. It's just life."