When my wife was killed by a drunk driver, Bonnie and I were devastated. She was 13 at the time. I tried to console her as best I could, but I was hurting just as bad. We clung together in our grief. Perhaps that was the beginning of our new relationship β we felt it was us against the world.
I know what you're thinking β and it's not true. I didn't take advantage of my daughter. In fact, for the next five years, I was the perfect dad. I had to be both dad and mom to Bonnie, watching her grow up, helping her with her homework, attending her sporting and school events. I was her protector.
When she was 18, she blossomed into a beautiful young woman, though somewhat small for her age. She looked so much like Jill that I nearly cried ever time I saw her. That's when I felt those urgings β which I promptly ignored, despite what you may think of me. I would never force myself on Bonnie. Instead, I tried to date, but every woman I went out with failed to measure up to my dear Jill.
By now, Bonnie knew a lot about sex β she had asked me some questions and I had answered them as truthfully as I could. She had taken the required sex ed courses at school. Because she and I were so close, she'd come to me with her questions and to tell me about the boys at high school. They had all noticed her -- she was attracting a bit too much attention for my tastes. We talked about it and I urged her not to do anything rash. "Wait for true love," I would tell her, hoping that she might find the same love I had found in her mother.
Jill and I had been college sweethearts and had married when I was 23, she two years younger. We had Bonnie a year later, but it was a very difficult birth. The doctor said she shouldn't have any more kids, so I volunteered to have a vasectomy. We had intended to adopt later, but Bonnie was so beautiful and so perfect, we decided not to bring anyone else into our tight-knit little family. It wouldn't be fair β any adopted child would not compare to Bonnie. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm just being truthful. She was our dream come true and there was no need to challenge it.
Bonnie, having been treated like a young adult since she was very little, found the boys at school to be vastly immature. There was no one who appealed to her. They were grabby, or goofy or gawky, she told me.
I say all this because what happened next was her idea. Oh sure, I know as the dad, I should've resisted. I was supposed to be strong. You have to understand our situation, however. Here we were, five years after a devastating loss, trying to move on, but being held back by our shared memories. We were alone in the world β that's how we felt. Is it any wonder that we came together?
It started innocently enough. She would kiss me hello and goodbye β just a little peck. I work at home, so I was nearly always there when she got off the bus. Somewhere during high school, that peck became a little more. Not much more, mind you, but enough so that I began to notice that she would cling to me a little longer and hold our lips together a little more wetly. It was so subtle that I didn't think I should mention it to her. I also must admit that I enjoyed it. For a split second, I could imagine that it was Jill kissing me, not Bonnie.
Up to this point, everything was still innocent, I believed. So we kissed a little more than most dads and daughters, so what? We were still sharing our grief. We were communicating, unlike so many other children and their parents. Things became a bit more complicated one afternoon in April when during our "hello" kiss, she reached around behind me and grabbed the globes of my ass.
I pulled away, startled. "What was that all about?" I asked her.
"That's what Jimmy did to me today. Itβ"
"Whoa! Whoa! Jimmy did that to you β when, where? Right there at school? I have a mind to callβ"
"Dad! Relax! It wasn't like that. We weren't hugging or anything. We were just talking. The buses had already left and he was waiting for his mom to pick him up. I was just about to walk home. We leaned against the gym wall and talked. Then, when no one was around, he reached his hand around and squeezed my bum."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Funny. Like in my stomach."
"Do you like this boy Jimmy?"
"He's nice. I'm not in love with him or anything."
"I didn't mean that. I'm just surprised that he would do something like that."
"I was too."