Desires Within Young Girls Ch 06

Chapter 6 - Counseling anyone?

With Audrey's return, I had to try and get life back to normal. I had to tuck my feelings for Brandi away, somewhere, and act like all was good.

I knew that to act on any feelings toward Brandi would be wrong and surely end in tragedy. Audrey would throw me out or, worse, kill me if she ever found out.

Or I'd kill myself. How could I continue if she ever found out? She could absolutely ruin me. I thought about losing my job, being thrown out on the street, a homeless schmuck. Maybe those eastern philosophies were on to something.

So far, I hadn't breathed a word of any of these feelings and events, not even to my best friend, Wilson, or even to my counselor whom I hadn't seen in awhile. I decided that maybe I needed professional help. Maybe my counselor could help direct my path. Only problem with that is she's a woman.

But that shouldn't matter, I reasoned to myself. She's a professional, after all. It's what she's trained and paid to do. She's probably heard this dilemma before - older man hungry for a young girl.

But his stepdaughter? How embarrassing. How could I reveal this without wanting to crawl under a rock?

I decided to make the appointment. And as luck would have it, or fate, she had a cancellation that week, and so I would see her Wednesday at 2.

"Sam, come on in. Long time. How have you been?"

Janet Billingsworth was a tall, dark brunette, probably about my age, perhaps a little older. Attractive but always buttoned up and professional. She always wore grey skirts and black work shoes, white blouse with a woman's business vest around her shoulders. She wore dark-rimmed glasses for reading close up.

"I'm good, Janet. Yeah. Good to see you. How are you?"

"Please, sit. I'm good. Business is steady, so, you know. No shortage of people with problems to solve!" She chuckled mildly. "So, I'm looking through my notes of your last visit. Six months ago? Does that sound about right?"

"Yes. Back before the holidays last year."

"And the last time we talked, you and Audrey were experiencing some issues with intimacy."

"Yes. That's right."

"And so, how is that working out? Have you two talked and worked on some things? I see here that one of the things we talked about the two of you doing was a kind of date night, maybe once a week - just the two of you to help find some time away from, let's see, Brandi, is it? Audrey's teenage daughter?"

"Yes. That's right. And things have gotten a little better in that department. In fact, Audrey and me just had a pretty intimate, fun evening just the other night after she got back from a business trip. I cooked her dinner and we, well, you know." I had a sheepish grin on my face.

"Hey, well that sounds nice. I'm glad things are working out. So, that brings up the obvious question, what brings you here today?"

"Well, yeah, it's not about Audrey and me." I paused and thought for a moment. "Well, come to think of it, maybe it is. I don't know. It's really about Brandi."

"Oh? Trouble in teenageville?"

"Well, yeah, kind of."

Janet didn't say anything. She had a knack for letting the silence hang out there in an uncomfortable sort of way. Maybe counselors get trained to do that. Anyway, I sat there for a moment and squirmed a bit in my chair. She looked at me as she leaned forward with her legs crossed.

"I kind of did something that I think was wrong and it's kind of snowballed."

This time, Janet broke the silence. "Tell me about it."

"Well, she had been out late last week at a friend's house. And she didn't come home until 3AM. She had a curfew of 12. She never called or texted and never answered her phone. So we were worried."

"Sure. Makes sense."

"Her mom had to leave early that morning for a business trip, so I was left to deal with it. So, I told Brandi I was going to take her phone away - the one thing teenagers can't seem to be away from."

"Sure. Sounds reasonable."

"Yeah. Except she wouldn't give it to me. And as her stepdad, I don't feel like I have the same leverage with her. Anyway, we fought back and forth, and she refused to give me the phone. So, I asked her what she thought would be some alternative punishment."

Janet was busy writing notes.

"So, I had jokingly said in the course of fighting with her that she needed a good spanking. I really didn't mean it."

Janet stopped writing and looked up into my eyes.

"So, I was telling her to give me the phone, and she said she wouldn't, and I said well what do you suggest, and finally she said, well, why don't you do the thing you said. And at first, I didn't know what she was talking about. Anyway, long story short. She suggested that I spank her."

"And did you?" Janet asked without a hint of judgment.

I looked down and fidgeted for a moment. I looked back at Janet sitting across from me and I looked down again. I felt really guilty. After what seemed like forever, I feebly uttered, "Yes."

Silence. Janet was writing notes.

I didn't say anything - I just kept looking down at my feet. I saw that my left shoelace needed tightening so I reached down and tightened it.

"So, go on." Janet said.

"So, I didn't know what to do at first, and she kind of stood over me because I was sitting on the sofa. And I said, okay. Lay across my knee. I'm going to spank you."

"How old is Brandi? I don't see that in my notes."

"She turned 18 about three weeks ago."

"Okay. Go on."

"And I guess this detail is kind of important. I told her to pull down her jeans. So she laid across my lap with her, ah, uhmm, you know, ah, just her panties on."

Janet stopped writing again and looked up at me. "And why did you ask her to do that?"

"Because I thought that my hand wouldn't have an impact through her jeans. I figured that to make the spanking hurt, I needed to, ah, you know, spank her through less fabric."

Janet didn't say anything. She wrote some more. Finally, she looked at me. "Okay. So, continue, please, Sam. I know this is difficult. Have you told anyone else about this?"

"No. You are the first. And only person I plan to tell. But, ah, Brandi told one of her friends."

"Oh? How do you know that?"

"I overheard them whispering downstairs when I was upstairs doing some laundry. They were working on homework." When I said laundry I remembered the session I had in the bathroom with Brandi's panties. Was I going to confess all of my sins to this modern priestess? Or would I chicken out? I was feeling relief just in getting this off my chest, but how much confession was I willing to bear?

"Tell me in summary what Brandi said."

"Ah, well, just that she told Stephanie that it was her idea to have me spank her to get the punishment over with quick because she didn't want to lose her phone. And Stephanie kind of freaked out a little, calling the whole thing kind of creepy."

"How did that make you feel? So, Stephanie is the friend of Brandi's?"

"Yes, that's right. It made me feel like I was kind of a creep. I mean, I guess I'm here today because I agree with Stephanie. It is creepy for a 37-year-old man to be spanking his 18-year-old stepdaughter! Don't you think?"

"Let's hold off on what I think. Let's get back to what you are feeling and what might be the best ways to deal with that? Okay?"

"Okay, but there's something else about all this that I first heard in the conversation I overheard."

"Okay. And I also want to get back to the rest of the spanking story. But go ahead."

"So, Brandi confessed to Stephanie that the spanking made her, uhmm, ahh, how should I say this?"

"Sam, you and I are adults here."

"You're right. Well, Brandi told Stephanie that the spanking made her wet down there."

Janet, it seems, couldn't help herself. She giggled and laughed out loud. "I'm sorry. Just the way you just said that. I know I shouldn't laugh, but let me just help you out here a little. First, it's perfectly natural for Brandi to feel that way after a spanking, especially after a male father figure spanks her. But this is no joking matter as I'm beginning to see a very serious dilemma for you here. And our goal should be that both you and Brandi and your wife can move past this without any long term damage. If I'm hearing you correctly, it's not like you planned or wanted to do this. Let's get back to the spanking. How hard and how long?"

I looked at her for a second.

"Okay, that came out wrong." Janet chuckled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. How long did the spanking last and how hard did you hit her?"

"I hit her harder than I should have or wanted to. It just kind of took over and I like, wailed on her."

"Were you angry?"

"Yes. A little. I was frustrated that she wouldn't do what I wanted her to do which was give me her phone."

"How long did the spanking last?"

"Not long. I maybe smacked her seven or eight times. I kind of alternated between each of the cheeks of her butt."

"And when did you do this? Tell me again?"

"Let's see. Last Saturday morning."

"And when you got here, you said you cooked dinner for your wife and the two of you were intimate? When did that happen?"

"Ah, well, I think I see where you may be going here. Uhmm, that was Monday night. Just two days ago."

Janet wrote some more notes and adjusted her glasses. "So, how badly was Brandi hurt? Did she cry?"

"Yes. Yes she did. In fact that's when I stopped. I heard her crying and whimpering and when she stood up, there were tears and mascara all over her face. I felt really, really bad. I hugged her and told her I was sorry. And she said that it was okay. It's what she wanted."

"How did the spanking make you feel?"

"I felt bad. I felt guilty."

"No. I understand that. How did it make you feel sexually?"

Here we go. I was going to have to give it all up. My high priestess of the modern era was going to get it out of me. "I had an erection." I said quietly. "And Brandi felt it because she told Stephanie that she felt my hard on through her panties."

"Okay. What did you do about it? Anything? Did you masturbate?"

I looked down again. I had a habit of doing that. Janet reached across and touched my arm, and I looked up at her.

"Sam. It's okay." She said softly. "I know this is difficult for you." I swear I knew there was a reason why I loved coming to talk to her. She was always so understanding and gentle.

"Janet, I, I did masturbate, yes, I did. Not once, but twice. The first time I had this pornographic picture of this young blonde girl who looks like Brandi. And when I started to, ah, uhmm, uhmm, orgasm, I yelled out Brandi's name."

Janet had stopped writing and was looking gently into my eyes. "It's okay. And the second time?"

"Ah, Jesus. The girls were downstairs doing homework and I was doing the laundry, and I found, uhmm, uhmm. . ." I choked up a bit and cleared my throat. "I found Brandi's panties that she had been wearing when I spanked her the night before. And, they were, ah, ah, you know, damp. And I, I, I ah sniffed them."

Janet didn't say anything. She just kept looking at me gently with her hand on my arm. "Okay." She whispered. "And then what?"

"I had an erection, and I went to the bathroom with her panties. And I smelled them again, and it gave me a head rush. They smelled all musky and perfumey - this kind of perfume that Brandi wears that a lot of teenagers wear. From Victoria's Secret. And it just made me, I don't know, crazy! I pulled my pants down and rubbed myself and kept smelling her panties. And then finally I started rubbing her panties around my, you know, my thing, and I orgasmed all over them."

I stopped talking. All was quiet. Janet didn't say anything. She sat back and jotted down a few notes. I felt relieved. Almost sexually relieved but not quite. Like this burden was now out there.

"But Janet there's more that you need to understand."

"Okay."

"That night, after Stephanie left, Brandi went up to her room, and, ah, uhmm. . ."

Janet, for once, cut me off. "You didn't have sex with her, did you?"

"NO! No, no, no." I stopped. "I saw her masturbating."

"Okay. How did you see this? Was her door open?"

"Yes. A crack, anyway, that was wide enough to see her bent over her daybed. Her knees were on the floor. And she had a hand down there between her legs. I could see her butt poking in the air. She had pulled her panties down. And, ah, here's the thing that got me. She was sometimes smacking her butt with her other hand - you know, like spanking it. Oh, Janet, what the hell have I unleashed?"

Janet stopped writing and looked at me. "First, let's get a couple of things straight. Stop beating yourself up. Second, an 18-year-old girl is bound to experiment sexually and masturbate. That is perfectly normal. In fact, I'd be surprised if she hadn't done it long before now. But it does seem pretty clear that the spanking was a sexual experience for her." She stopped talking for a moment as if in thought.

"And, obviously, for you too. The thing we need to figure out together is what best to do about it to minimize long term issues and to avoid crossing any more societal, taboo lines. I guess you know that Brandi is a bit old for a spanking? Not to mention she's a fully developed young woman."

"Yes! I agree. This needs to come to a quick halt. But I don't think I can turn my feelings off like a faucet. And I'm pretty sure Brandi can't either. Oh, God. This is not good."

Janet didn't say anything. She was looking over her notes as if deep in thought. "Let's talk about why you are feeling this way toward your stepdaughter."

"What is there to talk about? Isn't it obvious?"

"You tell me. What do you mean by 'obvious'?"

"I mean, she's a beautiful young girl who looks a lot like her mother, whom I love. Brandi is freakin' young and beautiful - she could be a Playboy model. Aren't all those girls like, 18 or 19? Men want that. And she really does look like a younger version of her mother."

"Do you think the sexual excitement also stems from the taboo nature of it?"

"Ah, well, yes. I guess you're right. It's a turn on, I suppose, to want what you aren't allowed to have. So what do I do about my lust and hers?"

"What do you think you should do?"

"I need to rein it in. But how? And how do I keep her from making overtures?"

"First, you and Brandi need to talk about these feelings openly but in private. And you need to explain to her why they cannot be acted upon. It's okay for her to fantasize, and it's okay for you to fantasize too, but you can't cross the line. And no more spankings. You think you can keep this desire wrapped up in your mind?"

"I don't know, Janet. I don't want to hurt Brandi or my wife."

"Up to this point, you've done something pretty minor, and I'm willing to bet that over the next few weeks, Brandi's feelings for you will subside. Especially if she gets a boyfriend - that might be a good idea to encourage." Janet paused.

"But you can't stoke the fire, Sam. Understand?"

"I hear you. I understand, but Janet, I just don't know if I have the willpower."

"What's the alternative, Sam? Do you really want to see where your lust and her desires will take you? I'm not sure you'll be happy with the results."

"I had this dream last night. I was lying in bed naked but chained to the bedposts. I couldn't move. And this woman came in and started tickling my feet. I didn't recognize her. She was just this figure in the darkness of my dream. But the more she tickled my feet, I didn't laugh. Instead, my, ah, ah, penis got harder. Like she was pumping it up through tickling me. And I wanted her to stop. But she wouldn't. And I awoke thrashing around in the bed and my penis was throbbing."

"Do you feel the tickling was a kind of torture? Tickle torture?"

"Yes. Yes, it was. And I couldn't stop her. And at first I liked it, but then I didn't want her to do it anymore. And my penis hurt."

"Is this your subconscious telling you that Brandi is hurting you? Torturing you?"

"I don't know! But she doesn't mean it if she is doing it. She's just an innocent girl. And, and, she seems to be exploring, trying to find her way. I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to go after a guy her own age. Why me?"

"I'm not so sure that she was after you based on your story. The spanking seems to have lit a spark. Did she in any way act seductive to you prior to the incident you told me about?"

"No. No, I don't think so. Although she used to dress really baggy; we even called her frumpy Brandi. But a few months ago, she started wearing more provocative clothes. And I think the timing of that has to do with the changes in her body. So, she does walk around sometimes in her underwear at night. But I never thought of it as seduction. It was just Brandi going to bed."

"And now, after the spanking, she's acting differently?"

"Uhmm, yeah. Definitely. I mean what I overheard. The masturbating. Yes, she's trying to become a sexual being."

"I think you're right, Sam. And, you were the catalyst. And now you're in quite a predicament. Look, one thing that makes an adult an adult is the ability to self-regulate. Brandi probably can't do that very well as a teenager. But you can. You can rein this in. You have the power to write this narrative. Don't let Brandi write it for you. You may come to regret it. For both your sakes, WRITE the narrative, Sam."

I sighed heavily. After a long pause and staring off at Janet's blue walls, I turned to her. "Okay. You're right. I will write the narrative."

"Good. Let's meet again in a month and see where you are."

"Okay, Janet. Thank you, again."