Desperate Times Pt 03

This is the third part of a four-part story, and it takes place on December 26th, 2002, roughly seven years after the previous two pieces.

*****

"Thanks a lot for hosting the two of us. I know Courtney's really enjoyed being here for Christmas."

"Yeah of course!" I tell my son-in-law, Geoff. "Honestly, having any company these days is pretty nice, but I couldn't imagine spending the holidays with anyone else. You two are the only ones I would want to be with."

Geoff responds, "Thanks, it's been really nice. I always enjoy seeing where Courtney grew up too, it's so interesting." And then he offers up a suggestion, "Beer?"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks." I answer, as he gets up to grab us two bottles from the fridge.

Geoff and Courtney have been married now for a little over two years, and they seem genuinely happy together. It's really nice. They're always laughing and giggling when I see them, and he seems like a thoughtful and loving husband. I always had my doubts that Courtney would find someone able to appreciate her, but I'm certainly happy to have been wrong in this case.

The only real downside to their life together is that they live on the other side of the country now, so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. Ever since my wife, Beth passed away almost four years ago, perhaps not surprisingly I've really struggled with loneliness. I would definitely consider moving to be closer to them one day, especially once they start a family, but considering they've already moved twice since getting married, they're clearly not in any rush to settle down themselves. So for now, I'm content to stay here in the only home that Beth and I ever had.

I haven't gotten a ton of one-on-one time to hang out with Geoff before, but Courtney wanted to stop by and say hi to one of her old friends, and I actually heard him insist that she should go without him, so here we are. It's still pretty early in the evening, maybe only 7:30 or so, but it's the time of day when a beer tastes best, so I'm happily enjoying sitting here with my son-in-law and our beverages.

But then, Geoff gets kind of a serious look on his face and asks, "Did you think you were gonna die?"

The question is totally out of the blue, but I have to assume he's referring to when we got stranded on that fateful ski trip. It's a question I've gotten many, many times.

"Yeah. To be honest, I really thought I was. I thought we all were." I tell him.

"Fuck..." Geoff quietly mutters, and then he says, "I just can't even imagine that. It must've been so hard. But it must've been so amazing when you were rescued, though."

"Yeah. Once it was over, I looked at it like it was a whole new start on life." I tell him. But honestly, that's a very optimistic take on my mindset, because there was no doubt I was severely fucked up after everything that had happened.

There are so many details to our getting saved that will be etched into my brain forever. That morning we were rescued, hiking up and then riding out on those snowmobiles they took us on, I'll never forget that thrill. And then there was the first sight of civilization, the first shower that night, our first warm meal, and that bottle of champagne Beth and I split the following evening. All of that still feels like a dream, but a dream I'll never forget.

But despite all those seemingly glorious moments, I was never able to fully appreciate them because my mindset was helplessly fixated on that enormous elephant in the room, what had happened between Courtney and me while were stranded. The guilt I had from having sex with my own daughter did not get left on that mountain, as it followed me home and certainly hit me hard. It's something that still actively haunts me today, and at this point I assume it'll be a part of me for the rest of my life.

In the beginning, I was very upfront with Beth about how much I was struggling with it, and not only did she and I openly discuss it, but the three of us, including Courtney, tried to rationally talk about what had happened. I very briefly contemplated seeing a therapist to see if that would help, but I couldn't ever pull the trigger. Part of me was worried that if I openly admitted to having sex with my daughter to someone else, there would be legal ramifications, and I didn't want to risk that. Even to this day, I still don't know if I (or we?) committed crimes in that shack or not. Regardless, mainly due to my insistence, the three of us came to an agreement that it would be best if we never spoke of it again, and even pretend like it never actually happened.

I certainly have done my best to hold up my end of the deal, but during those first couple years that followed, Beth would bring it up when it was just the two of us. In fact, she would sometimes even dirty talk about it while we were having sex. She would tell me how hot I must be for my own daughter to want to fuck me, and how jealous other guys would be of me if they knew. To be honest, in the heat of the moment I'd find her comments, and the memories they elicited, kind of hot. But like clockwork, any arousal I had from these images would be overwhelmed by my unshakeable guilt the second I finished orgasming. It would happen every single time.

Occasionally, even Courtney would make a joke or subtle innuendo about what we did, but I'm pretty sure those times were limited to when her mom was around and it was all three of us. I can't remember her ever bringing it up when it was just her and me. And I'm positive she's never mentioned it since Beth died. I'm sure she still knows how uncomfortable the topic makes me and is just doing her part to honor my preference. So as I alluded to before, without Beth around, the incident is simply never spoken of anymore. But I'd be lying if I tried to claim I never thought about it, because I certainly do.

As I sit here with Geoff, I can't help but think he seems a little weird, almost nervous in fact. He appears to be taking lots of very small, but repeated sips from his beer, and while his initial question about how it felt to be stranded isn't completely inexplicable, it does seem to be coming out of left field.

Geoff then asks, "Do you think that experience brought the three of you closer together?" And then after he finishes asking, he takes a rather large swig, points to his bottle and quickly mumbles with his mouth still kind of full, "I'll get us two more."

What the fuck is going on? Does he have some sort of angle here? Does he know about Courtney and me?

While I've always trusted that my daughter would do her best to honor our agreement of burying this secret, I've assumed that the one person she might confide in would be her husband. I mean, how could she not? This is her partner for life we're talking about here, and ideally the one person that knows her better than anyone else. So I absolutely would never blame her for telling him, and to be honest I probably expect it'll happen at some point. But has she already told him? I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever gotten the impression that Geoff might actually know.

As he returns with our next round, I place my new beer down next to my current one, which is still only half gone, and I try to come up with a response to my son-in-law's question.

"Yeah, it definitely brought us closer together, but more importantly it put the rest of our lives in perspective, I think." I tell him. "We obviously had no idea at the time that Courtney's mom would get cancer, but getting stranded like that really helped us to appreciate those first two years before she got sick. We didn't take anything for granted and I'm so glad we didn't, because we actually didn't have that much time together in the end."

"I'm so sorry." Geoff then says.

"Oh I miss Beth all the time, but I can assure you she'd be so happy for you two right now." I respond.

"Thanks. I know I didn't get to know her that well, but with the amount that Courtney talks about her, I feel like I know her better than I actually do."

Now I'm thinking he doesn't know. This talk is nice though, and I'm glad I'm getting to spend this quality time with Geoff one-on-one. It's a different conversation than if Courtney were here with us, and I kind of like that.

Geoff then lifts his beer up to take a drink, and weirdly guzzles about two-thirds of it in one continuous chug. Seriously, what the fuck? He doesn't normally drink like this.

Maybe he does know and he's trying to bring it up, but just doesn't know how? Maybe he's trying to find the courage? He certainly seems like he's not comfortable, so I decide for both our sakes to throw him a bone and give him a prompt to speak his mind, in case that IS what he's trying to do.

"Geoff, is there something you need to discuss with me?" I ask, in a serious but hopefully understanding tone.

My son-in-law clearly hears me ask this, but instead of responding right away just takes a deep breath.

"Yeah there is..." and then he pauses while visibly composing himself. "...but I don't know how to say it."

He looks terrified right now, and I still don't know why exactly he wants to discuss this, but I'm getting more and more certain I know WHAT he wants to discuss.

"Is it about Courtney and me on the mountain?" I ask.

Geoff doesn't say a word but slowly nods.

And then I just come out and say it. "And how we had sex?" Despite the fact that relatively speaking, I'm supposedly the calm one here, my heart rate is picking up now. I can feel it beating in my chest.

Another slow nod from Geoff.

Now I'm the one taking a deep breath to compose myself. "Well it's obviously not something I'm proud of." I tell him somberly. "But there's no way to undo what I did, so I've just tried to move on from it."

Geoff looks at the coffee table, noticing my still untouched second beer, before getting up and heading to the fridge. He comes back with a new beer for himself, takes his first sip, and then sits back down without saying a word.

The silence is pretty awkward, so I figure I should say something. "So when did Courtney tell you?" I ask.

This causes Geoff to look up and make eye contact, and then he answers. "A few years ago. Right before our wedding."

Ok, that's interesting. That's definitely longer ago that I would've thought. So I guess he's known about this for awhile and just held back from saying anything?

"So what's bringing this up now? What do you want to discuss?" I ask, basically putting him on the spot.

"I just..." Geoff starts, before stopping to rephrase. "It just... is something I've been thinking about lately. Like a lot." He says. "I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. You know?"

"Yeah. Fair enough." I say.

"I just struggle to believe it even happened. Does that make sense?" He then says, and I can see where he's coming from. "But even just hearing you mention it a moment ago makes it seem way more real than it ever has before."

"Ok. I can understand that." I acknowledge. "To be honest, sometimes it doesn't seem real to me either looking back on it."

Geoff takes another swig, and then I figure since we're already talking about it, I can't help but ask something of him. "How does Courtney remember it? Does it bother her at all?"

"Weirdly, no." Geoff responds immediately. "She's very matter-of-fact about it, and I think her memories are all positive."

I exhale. There's no doubt I appreciate hearing that, even though on some levels it's still so weird. But I know for sure that hearing the alternative, like that she was having recurring nightmares about it or something, would've been much, much, worse.

My son-in-law then says, "I apologize for being so crude here... But did you really lick her pussy? And did you really cum inside her?"

What a weird way to escalate the conversation. I don't know any other way to answer him, so I tell him simply, "I did."

And as soon as I answer, I see Geoff close his eyes and take a couple of subtle, but noticeable, deep breaths. It's a little unclear what emotions are going through his head right now. I honestly don't know whether he's absolutely livid and doing his best not to attack me, or if on the flip side he's actually taking some sort of sexual pleasure in hearing this. Either way, it's pretty intense seeing Geoff in this state.

He then opens his eyes and stoically asks, "Did you enjoy it?"

"I did. But I also regretted it." I answer honestly. "And I still do to this day."

We're both looking intensely at one another, and it kind of feels like some sort of a showdown. I'm getting more and more worried that he's furious right now. Again, I totally understand where Geoff could be coming from here, and I'm not trying to be combative in the least. I'm simply trying to be as straightforward as possible, so I hope he realizes that. A few seconds go by and still neither one of us says a word. The suspense is killing me, because I'm dying to know what my son-in-law is thinking.

And then the front door opens, and we both turn our heads in that direction. Courtney's home, and I have no idea whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. It takes her a second to come in the door and hang her stuff up, and during this time neither Geoff nor I say a word. We're just sitting here on opposite couches still silently looking at one another.

Eventually Courtney walks into the living room, and my daughter can sense the tension immediately. She stops in her tracks when she sees us and asks quizzically, "What's going on here?"

I figure I'll give Geoff a chance to explain if he so chooses, but once it becomes clear he's not going to say anything, I figure I'll come out and say it.

But just as I'm about to open my mouth, Courtney turns to her husband and says, "Oh my god, did you actually talk to him about it?"

Geoff looks back at his wife and gets the slightest guilty smile on his face and responds, "We were just discussing it."

Courtney chuckles and says, "Holy shit. I really didn't think you would." And apparently there's no need to fill my daughter in on the conversation, because she seems to know more than I do. Then she adds, "I guess I shouldn't have underestimated had bad you want this."

How much he wants what? Wants to confront me? Is that what she means? If so, why do both Courtney and Geoff seem weirdly lighthearted right now?

I'm confused enough that I have to ask. "Wanted what?"

Courtney then responds, "It's his Christmas present. I didn't promise him anything, but I told him he could ask you."

"Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about." I tell her.

Geoff's mood appears to have taken a complete 180 since Courtney arrived, and it's clear he seems much more comfortable now. So much so that he laughs at my comment, before turning to my daughter and saying. "I actually haven't asked him yet. I was just getting to that."

It's pretty obvious Geoff isn't angry, and while I'm still confused as to what exactly is going on here, I now have a strong suspicion it's sexual in nature, and I'm both a little scared, and more than a little intrigued.

"Can someone tell me what's going on?" I ask, with some urgency.

"Geoff can tell you." Courtney says, before adding, "I'm going to get undressed, because I told him I would do that to help with your decision." And as soon as she says this, I see my daughter walk over to where her husband is sitting and start lifting up the long-sleeved shirt she's wearing. She takes it right off, and then sits down wearing only a black bra above the waist.

The memories instantly come flooding back. I feel my cock start growing. This moment I've relived countless times in my head over the past half dozen years is finally being presented to me again. I'm still confused as to WHAT exactly is happening, or WHY it's happening, but it appears SOMETHING is happening.

I'm staring right at my daughter as she begins unbuttoning her jeans. And as she starts sliding them down her legs, I hear Geoff tell me very matter-of-factly, "I want to watch you make love to your daughter."

This obviously grabs my full attention, so I turn and look at my son-in-law. Then he says, "I NEED to see you fuck her. I've been obsessed about it for years, and I need to see it with my own eyes."

Courtney's pants are now completely off and she's removing her socks. She has an extremely tiny pair of black panties on that are smaller than anything her mom had ever owned. It's the same shiny material as her bra, and it's clear they're a matching set.

My god, she's stunning. She's even more beautiful now at 26 than she was at 19. I remember leading up to her wedding, she put in this huge effort to get into the best shape of her life, and she absolutely succeeded. But even more amazingly, she's maintained that level of fitness ever since. Her body, her look, everything about her now reminds me so much of Beth. Her teenaged glasses are long gone, replaced first by contacts and more recently with that fancy laser surgery. And all that's left now is a spitting image of my wife. And while seeing her here reminds me so much of the woman I fell in love with over 30 years ago, it also rekindles all those memories of being in that deserted cabin, and what is undoubtably both the sexiest and most shameful moment of my life.

In some ways I feel like an addict. I've never struggled controlling my drinking, and in fact I've never really known a true alcoholic, but I feel like I can relate. I feel like I have this temptation that has hung over me for the past seven years, as I fantasize about what Courtney and I did ALL THE TIME. And since Beth passed, it's only gotten worse. She's by far the closest thing to my wife I could ever find on this planet, and the thought of being able to make love to her just one more time is so alluring. But I also know that having sex with Courtney again would bring me so much shame, it would be catastrophic. It would be such a devastating relapse, I would feel like an alcoholic who had been sober for seven years falling off the wagon.

But holy shit, would it be amazing. I mean, is it possible I'm being crazy and irrational about this? Can I really be an addict if I've only done it once before? And why do I feel such guilt? Geoff himself just said that Courtney has only positive memories of our time together, so what am I apologizing for? Why am I so ashamed? Fuck, I think I'm just trying to rationalize something I know is a terrible decision. But there's another part of me that is worried that all I'm doing is needlessly denying myself such an amazing and harmless pleasure.

I have no fucking idea, but what I do know is right now my daughter has her legs together, and I'm singularly focused on that tiny black thong covering her pussy. In fact, I'm staring at it so intensely that it takes me a second before I even notice Courtney is removing her bra. But soon enough, her breasts are hanging free, and I immediately recognize her flat, soft, pink nipples I found so adorable when she was a teenager. I'm sure someday if she ever has kids, they'll change just like her mom's did, and become long, red, and wonderfully suckable. But my god are they innocently perfect just the way they are right now.

Next, I see Courtney give her husband a quick look, perhaps asking for his final approval, because Geoff responds with a subtle nod. And then the next thing I know, my daughter is sliding her underwear clear off her legs, and oh my fucking god, her pussy is completely bald. No bush, no landing strip, just bare skin and a slightly visible camel toe poking out from between her two thighs held together. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that she's all grown up now and keeps her pussy shaved, as that's what her mom did for years. But every memory, image, and fantasy I've had about Courtney has always included the full bush she had when she was only 19.