Tamara would sleep at my dorm most nights and I was finally adjusting to having someone sleeping next to me who wasn't a pile of beer bottles greedily drunk so they wouldn't stain the sheets. It was only a month and a half to go until our departure back to Oregon, Evan busying himself with anything he could to keep himself patient for our return. Tamara and I were lazily recovering from a scene last night with tea and chocolate strewn across the table in my room.
She would stretch out on her stomach across my bed so the purple spotted bruises covering her ass wouldn't get accidentally touched. The last three days had been constantly filled with BDSM scenes and now I was too tired to function. After classes we sat together with a beer in each of our hands in my room and listened to music or watched tv. She lowered her wrapped chocolate with a huge wet bite taken out of the side. "Gabby. Can I ask you something about your mom?"
The question was out of nowhere but I shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, go for it."
"Well...I guess I wondered how much you really knew about her. Evan never says a word. It's not my place to know so you don't have to answer anything-'' She looked worried as I cut her off but I smiled.
"It's really okay. I know she was a waitress when they met, and that my Dad liked her because she was funny. He said she had a lot of stories but he couldn't pin down the truth a lot. I know that during her pregnancy everything seemed normal and then one day she just packed her things and left after I was born. I know my Dad was scared to have a kid so early initially. I guess they had only been married most of a year but never discussed having kids seriously. They decided to have me, and maybe she just felt like she made the wrong call." Tamara looked sadly at me and her tone changed to an almost pleading question.
"Did you ever look her up? What about pictures or something like that?" I shook my head before she finished speaking.
"No, nothing. I know she signed her rights away and mailed Dad the divorce papers." Tamara continued to look at me with a troubled expression. She sat quietly while she wondered why someone would just vanish.
"That sounds like it was brutally hard on Evan. I cant imagine your spouse leaving one night with a baby in the house. No wonder he's so nervous about time with us." Tamara stared of in empathy and anger.
"Yeah, he talks about it very flatly, very matter of fact, but that's also something he might have had to practice for telling his kid one day. When I was finally conscious enough to ask those kinds of questions I'm sure it was torture for him." I said, trying to think of any time he was particularly sad during our talks.
"Do you...ever want to look her up?" I hadn't thought about it before but shrugging I looked at the ceiling and sipped my beer.
"No real reason to. I have a loving Dad, an amazing girlfriend, and my life has been pretty okay without her." When I saw that Tamara wasn't satisfied with my answer though she noticed how uncomfortable I was getting. "If I did find her its not like the first thing out of my mouth would be happy."
"I used to wish for something like that." She took a large gulp of the beer and casually wiped the drip on her chin with her sleeve. "I did this dumb thing," she chuckled and sat back as she sipped again. "I would sit up at night and pretend I was adopted. That someday a van or something would show up and my real family was somehow going to appear and take me off. We'd have dinner at a table for the first time and I'd fit right in."
Tamara was giggling at herself but she was finally opening up just a little so I didn't want her to feel judged for anything she might want to let out. I hid my curiosity and sympathy for having that kind of past returning with light questions of my own. "Have you ever met any of the extended family? Like a cousin?"
"My Mom had a brother out somewhere like Kansas. I guess he stopped by when I was a toddler. Never got to meet him." She said it with a hint of boredom, as if her family wasn't interesting enough for her. When we had first discussed the idea of me chasing my Dad with consensual incest I thought her hinting at understanding might have been a previous experience with a family member, then as the abuse shined through I wondered if it was someone she had known in extended family, but now I was baffled. She continued to think though and sipped more of her drink as the sun set in the distance. "Now that I think about it, my brother might have some kids these days."
"Wait, how many siblings do you have?" I asked eagerly.
"Tyler is older, Steven is the youngest, and Kaylee is younger than me." I tried to imagine her household with four kids running around and a picture of a destroyed living room came to mind as her father slept on the couch. "Tyler left home and hasn't come back since I was about eighteen. Last I heard he met a girl and was considering proposing. He might have married her. Steven turned seventeen in January, and Kaylee turns eighteen in a month or so." She polished her beer and seemed to be finishing them at my usual rate when I was depressed. Reaching and grabbing another she opened it with the built in notch on her keys and took a large sip.
I didn't know what to ask next so I tried to share a little more and ease her mind. "Yeah I always wondered if my Mom went off and had more kids and decided to stay with them. I also had this conspiracy as a kid that she could have secretly cheated on my Dad or come out as gay, or maybe even transgender like me. I doubt it, but when I was a bitter teenager it made me feel a little better."
"Yeah Steven came out to me as bisexual when I was last there. He was scared to talk about it. I just talked to him about how it was normal despite what we were raised with and he can always talk to me about it. I hope he does, I should really come out and talk to him. I don't really get along with Tyler or Kaylee but I'm trying to save that for when they get older. Steven though, when he was maybe seven, he came to me with this big bleeding patch on his arm from falling out of a tree. Mom and Dad never gave a shit so I cleaned it up and put a bandaid on it. He whined the whole time about how useless it was but thanked me a few years later. So fucking cute." That memory warmed her face into a smile as she looked off into her past. "I never really wanted kids but all of the instinct or whatever you want to call it is reserved for that kid."
