Chilton had been home for about ten minutes after I sent him a message letting him know that our guests had left. He was fussing over Granny and making sure that she was as okay as she could be. She seemed happy at having had the visitors but looked tired and a little sad.
"How about I give you a massage again and put you to bed?"
She smiled up at him but shook her head no.
"Do you mind if I give it a miss today? I just want a cup of tea and to sit here with my family."
He didn't look thrilled about it, but he understood that she was tired.
"Okay, but you owe me one."
She smiled and gave a weak chuckle.
"If you say so."
He went and sat back down, but I could see that he was silently observing her. I went out to the kitchen to make the drinks for everybody, and I was lost in thought when I felt Mum's hand slip around my waist.
"She looks so tired."
"Yeah."
"It's shocking how fast she has gone down."
I nodded but didn't trust myself to speak at the moment. I pulled her around into a hug and just held her to my chest for a few moments. She breathed a deep sigh and straightened her back.
"Thanks, I needed that."
"Any time."
We all sat down with our drinks in silence as we were each lost in our thoughts, but the peace didn't last. There was a rattly gasp followed by a weak cough and a wheeze. We each looked up at Granny, and I felt the blood drain from my face. Granny was choking, or more accurately, drowning before our very eyes. I stood up but had no idea what my intention was. Thankfully, Chilton knew exactly what was happening and how to handle it. It was incredible to watch someone so calm, strong, and decisive in action, even if it was terrifying at the same time. He lifted Granny out of her chair and bent her over his knee as though she was a naughty child about to be spanked. He used the flat of his hand to seemingly pound on her back, although the force was spread over her entire upper back. He was strong and forceful, yet there was a gentleness about him at the same time.
There was another rattly gasp followed by more coughing and spluttering, which soon became a slower, albeit raspy, breathing pattern.
"Are you okay, Liz? Can you breathe yet?"
She nodded, and a croaky whisper of confirmation came out as well.
"Are you right if I sit you back up now?"
"Please."
With great care, he sat her back upright and then settled her onto her chair properly. Once she had her breath back and was no longer coughing, Chilton helped her to her bed. He spent some time with her, settling her in and making sure she was comfortable, then came out to talk with us. Susie had gone to pick up some takeout food for us all, and Chilton asked the two of us to join him on the veranda out back again. I assume it was because Granny was still awake, and he didn't want to talk about her where she could hear.
"Do you understand that this is likely how she will pass?"
Neither Mum nor I knew how to respond because, truth be told, I don't think either of us had been brave enough to contemplate the mechanics of her death. Thankfully, he didn't seem to need an answer.
"Her swallow reflex has all but gone now, and she will most likely drown. She isn't going to be happy about it, but she won't be able to have cups of tea or water anymore. Tomorrow morning, I will set up a cannula so we can keep fluids in her that way, but it is temporary at best. I have her sleeping sitting up now because if she lays flat on her back, her throat will either close over because of the damage to her oesophagus, or she will likely drown in her saliva. I don't think she will have the strength to cough up fluids again, not like she did this afternoon."
We both nodded solemnly but were unable to say anything or ask any questions. The truth is, we knew these were the final days we were going to get with her, and it hurt. It hurt because she was so loved, and we had all grown even closer to her over the last month. I felt like I had just begun to know this feisty, funny woman, and now she was disappearing before my eyes.
I was also hurting because I could see and feel the heartbreak that Mum was experiencing. She had lost so much in the last year, and this was going to be a heavy blow for her. All I could do was try and stay strong and be there for her. I only hoped that Granny would hold out for a little while longer, although I didn't want her to suffer either.
I was glad that Susie was still here and that she hadn't gone to her mother's yet. As much as I would be there for Mum no matter what, I didn't think I was going to be enough for her in this. I wasn't sure if anyone was.
We all sat around in contemplative silence for a few minutes as it sunk in just how close to death she was. It was one thing to know it on an intellectual level; it was another thing altogether to see it happening before your eyes. Chilton reached across the table and gently took Mum's hand in his own.
"I know this is tough. There is no right or wrong way to feel about it or to process this. I will do all that I can to help you through this, and I will be here until the end, not only for Liz but also for you. If you have any questions at all, just ask."
She nodded and looked as though she was going to say something, but then a tear rolled down her cheek, and her chin quivered for a moment before she could compose herself enough to speak.
"Is there anything we can do for her? Can't they do something like a tracheotomy or something?"
Chilton shook his head slowly.
"No, Beth. The trauma of any form of surgery like that now would most likely kill her anyway. The reality is that the cancer is growing and on the move. It will attack other parts of her body until she dies. It has most likely already moved to her lungs and other organs by now, and there is nothing they can do to prevent it or even slow it at this point. The treatment alone would kill her. Unfortunately, this is it. Everything that can be done has been done. All we can do now is keep her comfortable for as long as possible."
Mum just nodded. Knowing the truth and accepting it are two very different things, and the weight of acceptance was crushing her at the moment.
Chilton asked if there was anything else he could do for us, but we both shook our heads no. He let go of her hand and stood up. He turned to leave, but before he was through the door, Mum stopped him.
"Chilton?"
He turned back to her, and I could see the sadness we felt reflected in his eyes. I wondered how much of a toll this job was taking on him. How does someone work so closely with people, get attached to them, only to watch them die over and over again? Was this a form of penitence he felt he owed because he had left his mother behind? He didn't say anything, but he gave Mum his full attention.
"Chilton. We couldn't have done any of this without you. We owe you more than
we can ever repay."
He smiled a sad smile but shook his head no.
"It's what I do."
"Yes, but you do it well, and you do it with care. I appreciate it, and I know Mum does too."
