I closed my eyes as she slipped quietly into the room. I felt her lift the covers and softly slide in beside me, trying not to move around too much, thinking I was still asleep. I knew I couldn't hide the wetness on the pillow where my tears had fallen. She looked at my still form and gently kissed my forehead. "Baby I know you are awake. What's bothering you?" She whispered softly, while reaching up to push my hair out of my face. I opened my eyes hesitantly to see her concern etched on her face. I leaned into her and softly sniffled as she reached around me to pull me closer. "I am here now. It is ok. You are safe." She held me close rocking me slowly as I clung to her. "I love you sis."
Let me start at the beginning. We didn't always have this relationship. There was a time when we both played carefree together in the park, coming home hand in hand to eat supper just to run back outside again. Then everything changed. Our mother married Bob. And I hated Bob with a passion. His eyes burned into me, watching every movement I made. I stopped going out to play. Danielle sensed something was up. So one day she came to me and asked me straight out, "Has Bob ever hurt you?" My silence said everything she needed to know. That day she stopped going out to play too. She vowed he would never hurt me again. But she was just a child too. Maybe I should mention that we were twins. We shared everything up until that secret. And her discovery of it affirmed that we would never hide anything from each other again.
That night he came to my room again. She was asleep in the bed beside mine, unaware until she heard my soft crying after he left. She climbed into bed with me and held me as I shook. This became our ritual until we reached 18. By then she had gotten a job and saved up enough money to get a small apartment. We finally moved out and got away from him. But I still cried every night, shaking, sometimes waking up screaming. And always she was there, holding me and comforting me. Back to what was happening tonight.
As I looked into her green eyes I whispered softly, "Danny, I don't want to be scared anymore." She looked deep into my eyes. "I know he won't hurt me here. But I still get scared. But I also feel so many other things, things I am scared of even more. Even though I hated what he did, my body liked it sometimes. Danny, what I am trying to say is I am afraid of sex, but I need it so much it hurts. I don't know what to do." I began sobbing again as I clung to her, looking for comfort, compassion, and something else I wasn't aware I wanted.
"Shhhh its ok baby I am here now. Don't cry. I love you so much sis and I want you to be ok. Anything I can do to help you feel better I will. Let me help you. Let me stop the hurt." She whispered softly into my ear as I quieted my tears. I looked up into her eyes and slowly we came together, both looking for something in the others eyes, some sort of resistance or acceptance. Our lips touched and there was a passion in the kiss neither of us was prepared for. Both of us pulled back, hesitant, then slowly went back for more. This time neither of us help back. Soon my tongue and hers were dueling as I continued to hold onto her for dear life. Her hand began rubbing my back as we continued to let our tongues dance. Finally we pulled apart to breathe. I looked into her eyes and saw only love.
"This is wrong Danny. I want it so much, but it is wrong."
