Dumb As A Stump Ch 01

(With continued thanks to my editor

"larryinseattle'

for doing what he does best. Make my stories even better.)

*****

"Gifted." "Highly Intelligent." "Prodigy." "Genius." "A shining example." "Beyond his years." Did you ever notice that people have a tendency to label someone who is more skilled at something than others? I did, because I'm one of them.

Starting at a very early age, everyone around me started telling me how smart I was. By the time I was 14, I was getting ready to graduate from high school and was taking pre-college classes. Needless to say, word got out about my abilities and colleges all over the country offered me full scholarships to attend their schools. I decided on one located in the North-East. What I hadn't stopped to think about was how my 'abilities' might affect everyone else in my family. After weeks of talking, discussing, and frequently fighting, it was decided that my mom would come with me while my dad and older brother stayed behind.

Actually, it wasn't that hard a decision. My brother, Kyle, was everything I wasn't; athletic, good looking, and popular. He was the captain of the Lacrosse team, had a girlfriend who he was about to marry, and more friends than I cared to count. He was also great at anything mechanical. It didn't matter if it was a car, or a truck, or even something bigger like a dump truck or a crane, which was great since my dad was the co-owner of a local construction and landscaping company.

The next two years flew by for me and I graduated with my first Bachelor Degree, that one in Mathematics. What I didn't notice was the strain everything was having on mom and dad's marriage. Just after my 16

th

birthday, my mom told me she was going home for awhile to try and work things out with my dad. It didn't work. They divorced soon afterwards.

Now on her own for the first time in her life, mom decided to head for California and see what adventures awaited her. Not that I really cared a whole lot since I'd had declared myself an 'Emancipated Minor" while she was gone. Besides, my school classes kept me more than busy and degrees in chemistry, electronics, and computer science soon followed.

By the time I was 19, I had accumulated 4 Bachelor Degrees, 2 Masters Degrees, and a PhD. The problem was what to do with it all. Not that I had to worry about that for long. Two days before graduating, I was approached by a government agency who said they needed my skills.

They provided a VERY generous salary, a car (not that I even knew how to drive), and an up-scale apartment located only 10 minutes from their headquarters. For the next 6 months, I literally lived at work. The project had to do with breaking a computer code that was embedded within a system without letting those who had implanted it know we were aware of it.

After we succeeded, the project manager threw a big party. At first, I thought about not going but after sitting in my apartment watching re-runs of re-runs, I decided

"What the heck"

. I quickly showered and headed for the club where we were supposed to meet. When I got to the club, the bouncer gave me some trouble about my age until I showed him my state ID, the word EMANCIATED printed in bold, black letters on it, along with my federal ID. The place was packed with not only our group but several others.

I tried to 'blend in' but as the night went on, things got more 'intimate' and pairs started to slowly split off. I tried to get closer to a few women but got shut down really quick. In one case, the woman looked at me and slurred, "Kid, ye're 'bout as dumm as a stump!! But ye're kinda cute so why don' ya go home and come back when yo've learn'd a thi'g er two?" That was it. I left.

For the next two weeks, I stomped around my apartment reliving what she'd said. In the end, I decided what I really needed was a trip back home to get away from the humiliation.

When I got home, I got another shock. I knew that mom was gone and that Kyle had gotten married so I expected the house to be empty. What I didn't know was that things had changed in my dad's life, too.

The house was completely quiet when I entered, not that I would have noticed anything anyway. I had my headset plugged into my tablet and was listening to a seminar on advanced computer technology as I walked down the hallway towards my room. I had just gotten to the bathroom door when it suddenly flew open and the next thing I knew I was sprawled out on the floor.

"Who the fuck are you?" I heard a woman shriek as I started to get up.

"I ... I," I stammered trying to clear my head and figure out what was going on.

"And what are you doing in my house?" she continued, yelling.

I noticed a towel laying on the floor as my head cleared and when I looked upwards I could feel my cheeks blush as I noticed the woman standing above me, one hand covering the junction between her legs while her other arm crossed over her chest. She didn't seem frightened at all by my presence but at 5-foot, 10-inches tall and a mere 185 pounds I guess I wasn't all that imposing a figure.

"I could ask you the same thing and what do you mean 'your house'? This in my dad's house," I yelled back at her as I stood up.

Her face suddenly turned red as she stammered, "That means you must be Erik."

"Yeah ... so how do you know my name?"

"I'm your ... mmmmmm ... let's start over, okay? I'm Danielle but everyone calls me Dani. I'm your dad's ..." she stopped, realizing she still didn't have anything on. "I'm sorry but can you hand me my towel and then turn around?"

I immediately bent over and picked up the towel but rather than handing it to her I held it. "I have a better idea. You tell me who you are and why you're here and THEN I give you the towel."

Her face flared in anger as she reached out, exposing her breasts, and grabbed the towel from my hands. "Okay, young man!! I had hoped this would go differently," she continued as she wrapped the towel around herself. "I'm Danielle and I'm your father's wife ... which means I'm your new step-mother!! Satisfied?"

Everything around me seemed to spin and turn shades of gray as what she'd said swirled in my head. "My dad's ... my new ...," I mumbled as I leaned against the wall to keep from falling.

"Are you okay? Do you need some help?" her voice now filled with concern.

"Yeah, I ahhh ... I didn't know. I mean, no one ever told me about you and my dad," I faltered.

"It's okay. It all happened pretty quick. In fact, we've only been married about 2 months now."

The world seemed to spin even more as I slowly lowered myself back to the floor. "Only 2 months? How long have you known each other?"

"Why don't we talk about this over a cup of tea?" she asked. "I need to get dressed."

Once again I could feel my face reddening as I looked up at her. She looked like she was in her mid-thirties and almost as tall as I was. Her hair was dark brown with streaks of deep red running through it while her eyes were a bluish-gray that seemed to be a perfect match for her deeply tanned skin. When my gaze slid lower it seemed to become frozen on her chest; it was huge. Talk about an awkward moment! Minutes seems to drift by before I heard her.

"Up here, young man."

"I ... ummmmmm ... I'm sorry. I ... ahhhhhhh."

The sound of her laughter broke through my embarrassment. "It's okay. I've, or rather they've, been known to have that effect on people and just so I don't catch you sneaking around in my underwear drawer they're 34DDD."

My face turned an even darker shade of red as I stood and picked up my stuff, trying to avoid looking at her. "I better put my stuff away."

"And I still need to get dressed," she giggled as we separated and went into our own rooms.

When I came out, half an hour later, dad was sitting in the kitchen along with Danielle.

"Hey Erik. I'm sorry I wasn't here when you got home but I don't remember you saying anything about coming for a visit last time we talked."

"Actually, I hadn't planned on it until ...," I hesitated, trying to decide if now was the time to talk to him about my 'girl problem', "we finished the project at work early. I have a couple of weeks until we start working on the next one so I figured I'd come home for a bit."

"Ahhhhhhh. That explains it. I ... ahhhhh ... guess you've met Danielle?"

"Yeah. We kinda bumped into each other."

"Literally," she laughed.

"I'd meant to tell you about her the last time we talked," my dad continued, "but it just never seemed to be the right time."

"I assume Kyle knows?" I asked.

Dad simply nodded.

"And mom?"

He paused and looked at Danielle before replying. "Actually, your mom kinda introduced Danielle and I to each other."

"She what?" I asked, not believing what I was hearing.

"Yeah, your mom came back for a visit about a year ago. She told me about a friend she'd made in San Francisco and how she thought the two of us would be perfect together. I let it go at that but your mom left me the friend's phone number. After that, she'd ask if I'd called her friend every time we talked together ..."

"I didn't even know you and mom talked," I interrupted.

"At first we didn't. When she came back after being out East with you we realized we'd grown apart and that there were a lot of things that had happened earlier in our lives that had been causing problems for us as we got older."

"Like what?"

He chuckled. "You know, it wasn't anything big just a bunch of little stuff. Maybe that's why we're still friends and talk to each other usually ... what?" he looked at Danielle to confirm his answer, "about once or twice every couple of weeks?"

"Something like that."

"Anyway, one night after a really hectic day at work, I decided to call ... just to stop your mom from asking anymore. The phone rang and Dani answered it. The funny thing is that Dani isn't the friend your mom was trying to hook me up with. Dani used to work at the same store that your mom works at and so they knew each other but not that close. Dani was actually visiting the other woman along with some others, including your mom, for a girl's night. When I told Dani who I was she called the woman to the phone. I could hear the other women in the background teasing her about being so 'hard-up' that she was talking to your mom's ex. As you can imagine, the call didn't last long," he stopped and looked at Dani once again.

"That's where I came in. I liked the sound of your dad's voice and decided

"Why not?"

so I got his number from your mom. This time we didn't let any of the other women at work know what was going on. The first night I called your dad, we spent almost 3 hours on the phone together. The next time was almost as long and the third call was over 4 hours. That was when we decided to meet. We arranged to get together half-way between here and Frisco and spent the weekend together. The funny thing is that even with the way things are today, your dad was a perfect gentleman. I mean, we had separate rooms and not once did he try to convince me that we should stay together. Two weeks later, he came out to Frisco to visit me and the same thing happened. Then two more weeks went by and I came here. That was when we ... mmmmmm ... became an 'official' couple. After that we talked almost every night."

"So how long did that go on before you got ..."

"Married?" she smiled. "About 10 months, the last two of which I was already living here with him."

I was sure that if I was a cartoon character my eyes would have been twirling around in my eye sockets as I took in everything they'd just told me. "So let me get this straight. Mom introduces the two of you, indirectly. You hit it off on the phone and have a couple dates before ... how did you put it ... become 'official'. You talk and date another ... what? ... 8 months before Danielle moves in and two months after that you get married."

"Yep," they answered in unison.

"And Dani told me earlier you've been married now for about 2 months which means all of this happened in less than a year?"

"Sounds about right," dad replied.

"A lot of our friends said we were moving too quick and thought we were nuts, including your mom. She said that anyone that got married these days had to be crazy and that if she ever felt the need for some company she'd just go the bar and pick up some guy for the night," Danielle said, softly.

"Wow," I said as I shook my head. "She sure has changed."

"In more ways than you know," Danielle whispered.

My dad glared at her as I looked on, the unspoken question filling the space around us.

"Let's just say not all of the people your mom invites over are men and the men she does invite over are usually quite a bit younger than her."

My gaze immediately shifted to my dad, but all he did was shrug his shoulders to confirm what Danielle had said."

"You know. I think I need to lay down for awhile. The trip was a little rougher than I figured it would be and now ... well, I hope you understand."

"No problem. We'll get you up for dinner. Your brother and his wife are coming over and we're gonna grill out. What would you prefer; burgers, brats, hot dogs, or a steak?"

"Whatever ya got, dad," I replied as I walked back to my bedroom where I stretched out on the bed. Within seconds, I was sound asleep but my dreams were anything but restful. Instead, I kept seeing Danielle's full, lush body standing over me or my mom stretched out on a bed with some young guy or a woman laying next to her. Time flew by and it wasn't until I heard dad call that I slowly returned from the depths of my dreams.

"Come and get it!" he shouted.

When I came out of the house, Kyle and his wife, Jessica, along with my dad and Danielle were just taking the food off the grill.

"Hey, bro," Kyle said as he held out his hand.

"Hey," I responded as I took his hand in mine and shook it. Jessica didn't believe in 'emotionless things' as she called them and instead, wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. I also got another surprise when I felt her stomach pressing against me.

"Twins," she giggled, excitedly, when she stepped back.

"Wow. A lot has changed," I said, wondering what else I had missed while being away.

For the rest of the evening the laughs and tall tales filled the backyard along with the refills of whatever everyone was drinking. Not too surprising, the beer went straight to my head and before too long, I was trying to explain to my dad what had happened to me at the bar.

"Your brother never had that problem," Jessica quipped as she patted her stomach.

"My brodder nev'r had a problem wiff a lot of ding's. Includin' getting' you inta bed even bafore you're married," I slurred.

"I think we've heard enough. ESPECIALLY FROM YOU, young man," he growled.

"Yeah, mor' den 'nuff," I replied as I staggered into the house. A short time later, my brother and Jess left, though I didn't know because I had already passed out across my old bed.

The next morning started out subdued at best. I knew I'd screwed up and wasn't quite sure how to make it up. When I asked my dad, he simply said, "Call your brother."

As I reached for the phone, I imagined I saw a cobra waiting to strike, not that I deserved anything less. For the next 20 minutes, I groveled at my brother's feet as I tried to apologize. Ultimately, he said I was forgiven but only after I spent another 10 minutes apologizing to Jess.

Afterwards, I tried to talk to my dad once again about the problem I was having with women.

His answer was, "Don't worry about it. You'll grow out of it."

With nothing left to say, I left the house for a long walk. When I came back, I noticed that dad's car was gone from the driveway and when I went into the house no one seemed to be home. I quickly grabbed a large glass of water and went to my room. The moment I opened the door I knew I wasn't the only one there, Danielle was stretched out across my bed waiting for me.

"Hey."

"Hey," I replied.

"Feeling any better?"

"About what?"

"Last night?"

"Not really. I made up with Kyle and Jess but I still have the same problem I had when I came here and dad's idea of 'growing out of it" doesn't help a whole lot."

"Yeah, I understand."

"Do you?! I mean, do you really understand what it's like to be 'different' from almost everyone around you?! I've tried and tried but nothing ever seems to work when it comes to women," I said, almost in tears.

"Well, yes and no," she answered. "I don't mean that I understand what it's like to be as smart as you are but I definitely know what it's like to be treated different from others. These," she paused and pointed to her breasts, "started to grow when I was 13 years old. By the time I was 15, I had guys from high school and even a few from college trying to get me into the back seat of a car or into a cheap motel."

"I guess you do understand then," I said, as I stared down at the floor.

"I also know it means that 'we' need to handle things different than a lot of others."

"Huh??"

"Take a seat," she said as she got off my bed.

Without asking why I did as she asked.

"Now then," she started as she slowly unbuttoned her top, exposing her chest. "What are these?"

Shock and disbelief on what was happening caused me to fall back on my routine of being professional and clinical when I was unsure how else to answer. "Breasts."

She sighed. "Yeah but what else?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ya know, that woman in the bar was wrong. You're not dumb as a stump you're just naive as hell. These are not just breasts, they're called jugs, tat-ta's or, most often, tits. Now what about these?" She pointed at the raised buds at the tips of her breasts which seemed to be getting bigger and darker as I watched it."

"Nipples," I whispered.

"Right ... and exactly what are nipples for?"

"Mmmmmm ... to feed babies," I answered, once again falling back into my comfort zone.

"Arrggghhhhh. This is useless. I'll have to think of something else," she muttered as she closed her top and left.

In the mean time, I sat there wondering what had just happened. When the answer finally dawned on me, I began to question if I was really dumb as a stump or just naive as Danielle had said. For the next two days, Danielle didn't do anything but act as the perfect hostess and wife.

When I woke up on Monday morning, she was sitting on a chair in my room, waiting.

"I thought about what happened the other day and have an idea."

"What's that?"

Once again she unbuttoned her top, revealing her chest. "Do you remember what these are?"

"Brea ...," I started to answer but saw the look of disappointment on her face. "Tits!"

"Excellent," she said with a smile. "And these?"

"Nipples," I answered, now feeling reassured.

"Perfect," she purred, as she moved closer. "Would you like to feel them?"

I suddenly became tongue-tied, and unable to answer, as my hands froze in place. Then they began shaking so hard I thought for sure she'd think I was having a seizure.

Instead, she gave me a sympathetic look and as she asked, "Did you take 'Sex Ed' classes in school?"

"No," I replied, timidly. "My mom said her 'little man' was too young when I was in high school and later on I was spending all of my time on my other classes so I never got to it."

"So you've never even seen a woman completely naked?"

"Only in porn movies and men's magazines."

"Ahhhh, so the only ideas you have about making love to a woman are from those?"

"Yeah."

"That explains a lot," she whispered. "So, here's my plan. Every morning after your dad leaves for work I'll come in here and I'll help you with anything you might need. We'll start with the basics and move on from there."