This is a story about a brother and sister who are polar opposites but somehow find love, maybe.
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My name is Gerry Fagan, I am thirty-one years old and I work as a security guard at a shopping Mall. I work 7 to 7 and I get one weekend off every month.
I have two sisters and what fucking annoys me most about women is they think because they drop their panties for you they own you.
Take the last girl I dated, she no sooner got her feet under the table and she's wanting to make changes so I dumped her like the rest, and here's the kicker. For six months after that the silly moo keeps calling me asking why I don't call anymore.
For fucks-sake will someone give her a fucking stepladder so she can get over it. Jesus! and people wonder why I'm single.
Where was I...my sisters. I have two of them, Mary is twenty-nine and works in France some place and I won't even try to pronounce the city she works in because I really don't give a shit.
My other sister Alice is thirty-four and on her second marriage to a guy called Ritchie Fields and they fight like kats and dogs.
The Last time he threw her sorry ass out I ended up with her for five weeks and it was fucking hell. She just can't help herself, she starts moving my stuff around cleaning changing everything, and it gets right up my nose.
Look, I'm just a simple guy. I have my own two-bed apartment and I don't cook because I get takeout and bring it home. I use paper plates and plastic utensils and just dump them and the only things I wash are my coffee mug and a beer glass.
Here's a tip for you, I use Lynx shower gel and this one time when I turned on the shower it drenched my vest so I just removed my jocks and I get in socks and all. And let me tell you that Lynx left them spotless and two days later they were ready to go and they smelled good too.
So I'm at work today and my mobile rings and its Alice and a shiver goes down my spine.
"Alice I told you not to call me on my work phone!" I say, she only calls when there's a problem.
"Don't take that tone with me little brother." She snaps back.
"What do you fucking want?"
"Gerry can I crash at your place for a bit?"
"What happened this time?"
"We had an argument and I left. Can I stay with you?" She says, she means he threw her out.
"No Alice its not a good time."
"Please Gerry, just a few days."
"Ok ok! When will I see you?"
"About midnight tonight if that's ok?"
"Fine fine. But don't you wake me when you get in. I'll leave a key with Pat at the front desk."
"Thanks you're a star Gerry." She says and hangs up.
I'm a star am I, its more like I'm a fucking fool but she's my sister and I have to help no matter how fucking crazy she drives me.
So after work when I get home I leave a key with the guy at the front desk, and he has the cheek to offer his condolences to me the smart fucker!
Before I go to bed I have a few beers and sleep like a log until five-thirty am when I get up and make myself a coffee to-go and head to work.
As I pass the front desk I see Ernie the day-guy scratching his head looking at about twenty bags of luggage. He spots me and says, "She's back isn't she?" And he looks worried.
Jesus Christ how long is she planning to stay I think. So I drop the guy a twenty because the last time she was here I swear he went grey over night. Its her relentless nagging that gets to you.
Later when I am eating lunch she calls me again on my work mobile!
"I told you not to call this number. Are you stupid or something Alice?"
"You are on a break aren't you?" she growls back at me.
"What fucking difference does that make? What do you want now?" I snap back.
"Food, bring food when you come home. And nothing spicy." She says.
The last time I got Mexican it didn't go down so well with her because after she ate it she started farting up a storm and took to her room. So you can guess what we are having for dinner tonight.
"Anything else?"
"Pepsi, you got no Pepsi." She says.
"I don't drink Pepsi. And stay the fuck out of my refrigerator."
"Where's the brush for the bowel?"
"What brush? What are you on about woman?" I say getting tired of this shit.
"The brush for cleaning the toilet bowl you ass. Jesus Gerry what did you eat yesterday? And don't get me started on the smell in the bathroom." Jesus Christ she's off!
"Curry! I had Curry yesterday. Do I need permission now to fucking eat?"
"Don't get smart with me Gerry. Where's the brush?"
"Try the closet. Anything else?"
"Don't forget the Pepsi and get air-freshener."
"Ok Ok. Are you happy now you wasted my lunch hour?" I say angrily and hang up.
So I get the food after work, Mexican of course and two cheap bottles of diet cola. She can buy her own fucking Pepsi I say to myself.
When I get in I lay the food out on paper plates and call out to Alice. I get no reply so I wander down to her room and I see the light is on in the bathroom and the door is open a good ten-inches or so. "Alice, are you there?" I say, knocking on the door.
I push the door open and Alice is there standing naked and she's shaving, well grooming herself. She has earphones in listening to music and that's why she can't hear me.
I have never seen my sisters naked and I begin to back out slowly but she must have seen a shadow because all hell breaks loose!
"Gerry," she shrieks, "You fucking pervert. How dare you, you dirty bastard."
And they are followed by a tsunami of other curse words some I never heard before. I can't get a word a in edgeways and she just keeps ranting at me and advancing on me with her half-shaved pussy waving her razor furiously in the air.
Suddenly she lashes out with her foot and she scores a direct hit to my nuts!
"Fuck, Jesus Christ what did you do that for?" I gasp, as I fall to my knees and the pain in my balls is so excruciating I almost pass-out.
"You are a fucking perv, that's why!" she snaps back.
"I was only calling you for dinner and you didn't hear me you stupid bitch." I say and I crawl on my hands and knees into my room and slam the door shut.
The pain is fucking desperate but I manage to make my bed and collapse on it. After a while I feel brave enough to take my pants and jocks off and my balls are like melons they are that swollen and I lie back down to rest.
About an hour later she knocks at my door and asks. "Can I come in Gerry?"
"No! fuck off Alice." I say, but she walks in anyway and I pull a pillow over my swollen tackle.