Time seemed to stop. I felt my mouth drop open and I stopped breathing. Peter had his eyes closed and I could see the strained, pleasure filled look on his face. I knew that look. In fact, up until this very moment, I owned that look. Then there was my mom-in her swimsuit, a modest tankini, still wet from what was likely a trip to the hot tub, on her knees and her head bobbing up and down then shaking a bit as she went all the way down.
I could tell she had him in her throat.
Then I could hear it. The slurp and gag with each bob and Peter's groaning. Again and again.
I didn't know what to do, so I turned around and walked out. Dad grabbed my arm but I pulled away and just walked. What the fuck? My stomach hurt. My hands were clinched and I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I heard voices behind me, but I didn't turn around. I needed to just get away.
I walked down the sidewalk, then across the street to the beach where Dad and I just were. I took my flip flops off and started to run. I couldn't get the image out of my head. The look on Peter's face as..as...as...my mom was sucking him. The irony wasn't lost on me. Of course it wasn't. I mean, not 10 minutes ago wasn't I doing the same thing to Dad and then Peter before that? Wasn't I having sex with both of them? Wasn't I freaking out about being caught and people being hurt and wondering how long I could keep it up?
I fell onto the sand and pulled my knees to my chest. I looked back the direction I came. The door to our house was closed. I wondered what was happening now. How was Dad feeling? I am sure he had no idea either. Right? I mean he would have said something right?
I frowned. Wait. Why am I so upset? I took a deep breath. Then another one. But I could not stop shaking. I kept seeing them in my head. "Peter..." I whispered aloud, "I thought you wanted me. I thought you were mine."
I stood back up and kept walking. Motion helped. Sitting there made me want to throw up. This whole fucking thing made me want to throw up.
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Wandering down the beach after seeing something traumatic was somewhat therapeutic. It was like the more distance I went from the house, the further I was from the emotion. Or something. I don't know. I neared the end of the beach, which I knew was like 2 miles from the house. There was a dock jutting out into the ocean, and after circling around onto the street I went out onto the dock and made my way to the very end. The moon hung low on the horizon and reflected silver light off the water. I looked at it for a long time and listened to the waves. Slowly the sound of my mom and brother slipped back into the background and out of my mind.
I was still angry and in this space I knew why. I was jealous. Sure, it didn't make sense, but that was the way I was feeling. I felt betrayed and hurt. Yes of course I had my secrets with Peter. But that was just it. I thought it was our secret and there were no other secrets. I told him everything. In fact, I gave him everything. How long was this going on? What I thought we had didn't seem so special anymore. I thought this crazy thing we did and were doing, I thought it was just between us.
I shook my head. "This whole thing is so fucked up."
I thought of my father. What was he thinking when he saw that? Did he know? What about what he and I had just shared? Where did I stand in all this?
Tears ran down my cheeks and I wiped them away quickly. I mean, what did I think was gonna happen? Where did I think this was going to go? I let out a loud sigh and kept looking over the silver water. Why was I jealous? I mean I knew my parents still made love and that didn't bother me. Right?
"Fuck," I whispered.
I couldn't go back. I couldn't look anyone in my house in the eye anymore.
I turned around and leaned against the pier looking back toward the town. I was suddenly utterly alone. I pushed off from the pier and made my way toward town. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I couldn't just stay still. I had to be...somewhere else.
I wasn't sure what time it was, but there were enough people about that I assumed it was still early. Things were a haze, I looked in windows, stopped in shops but I didn't really see anything. It was like all the world just lost its color. I stopped in front of a shop window and looked at myself. I mean, did I think that I was that special? Was I that hot? I pushed my hair back behind my ears and let out a breath. I mean, I know I am pretty cute...but what the hell am I even thinking about?
"Hey there."
I realized a guy was standing next to me. He was cute, like 20 something in board shorts and t-shirt he had obviously worn all day at the beach.
I glanced at him, "Hey."
"I have seen you around here haven't I?"
Really that was where this was going? "Probably not," I replied and looked at him. I wasn't really in the mood to flirt.
He laughed, "Ouch! Ok, so I guess that was lame."
"Yep," I replied. I turned to go, I had been in enough awkward conversations today.
"Where are you going? My name is Brad by the way."
"Hi Brad," I said as I walked back toward the beach.
He hustled to stay next to me but I wasn't in the mood. There was way too much going on to even look at this douche bag.