The concert was fantastic.
By the third song, we had regained much of our energy and, I thought, recovered to where we should have been for the whole day. I kept stealing peeks at her, watching her mouth. The way she pulled her dark hair from her face. Thinking of how we had actually kissed.
Her shoulders were so small. It was the first time I realized how small she was, delicate. She had always been this larger than life person to me. Invulnerable.
I had never made her cry.
It was weird. She had a beautiful mouth. It felt so good. I chalked it up to my stirred up state, the absence of my girlfriend, and all the anxiety I was feeling, and the fight.
She didn't turn toward me, but was just watching the concert, swaying with the music, closing her eyes, and pulling at her hair - twirling the ends in her fingers.
The way she does.
------------------
When we got home it was not really that late, something like 11:00, and even though the day was exhausting I really was not tired anymore.
As we walked up the stairs, my sense was that the same was true for Rachel and so when we got up to the top of the steps, I asked if she wanted to maybe watch a movie.
Rachel smiled at the suggestion.
I added, "A peace offering."
"Yeah. That's a good idea, I'm not tired." She touched her dress, and looking down at herself said, "Let me get out of this," and stepped away and through the open door to her room.
"I'll change too. My pajamas still in here?"
"Nothing in your room, or mom and dads room, has changed - yet. Everything the same."
When we came back down, I was in a silly looking pair of long sleeved blue pajamas. She was in this red nightgown that clung to her shoulders, and fell lightly around her to about mid thigh.
We picked out a movie and settled in next to each other on the sofa. I went and found some beers. As I stepped out of the kitchen, she looked at the cans and asked, "I have some wine in the dining room. Would that be ok? I feel like some wine. You, can have beer."
I turned, trying to be as pleasant as I could. "Ok. I'll check." I went back to the dining room and grabbed a bottle, put the beers away and brought down two wine glasses. Poured hers and mine.
As I poured, she gave me an approving smile. Normally I would have been all huffy, handed her the bottle and drank from my can.
I thought about that. Is that how I am?
As the movie was playing we bantered back and forth about what we had been doing, about her work, school, about a scene as it flickered across the screen here and there.
I asked when mom and dad were coming home, and she said not until Monday - so two days. She had this grin as we talked, leaning back into the sofa, relaxing into the cushions, and turning her head to me as we were talking, holding her wine in both hands.
Her expression was not matching our conversation at all.
At some point I was piqued by her, this look like she had, of something in her mind that she was hiding.
"What is it?"
"Hmmm." Her eyes turned to me.
"You keep having this grin, like there is some sort of joke I don't know about."
"No. I keep . . . Nothing," but then the grin again.
"What?"
"WE kissed!"
I reach for my glass of wine, thinking back, "Yeah, we did."
"Well, it's just that, that was kind of . . . weird."
"It sort of, happened."
"I know. You, kissed me first though."
"Did I?" I couldn't remember. I paused, could feel my heartbeat race a little, could feel how close she was just then. "I guess I did. But you kissed me second." I couldn't think of anything else to say.
She leaned back into the sofa, facing me, "Weird. WE kissed."
"Not something I'd say to anybody."
"No." And then reaching for the bottle, refilled her wine glass. We were both falling silent again, sitting side by side and facing the movie.
Without turning Rachel added, "You're a pretty good kisser."
It is a funny thing with me. When she said that, a feeling of pride rose in me. "Yeah? Thanks." I kept watching the show, just a sideways glance at her. A compliment, from my sister, I thought. Of all the compliments I might have been fishing for from my family, THAT one was wholly unexpected.
She brought the wine to her lips and drank. I reached for my glass and did the same, adding, "I been practicing."
"Oh really? Something I don't know about?"
I was very conflicted now. Diane and I had gone out for two weeks, not really a girlfriend. But WAS. I fully intended to talk about her, but not like this. Not now. It somehow became complicated.
"Well - us, you know, I'm in college now, meeting women."
"Ohhh," Deflected.
We were sitting shoulder to shoulder now, and I could feel each time she would turn to look at me, feel her hair brush on my ear. Holding her hair back with the flat of her hand as she looked at me, the way she does.
I looked at her again, "What?"
"Mmmm. I don't know. I'd, I'd let you kiss me again."
I was looking her right in the eyes as she said that, and watched as she sort of relaxed back against the cushions. I was speechless, didn't know how to read this. Was she joking?
"Yeah. Right." Was all I could think to say.
"If you wanted. I mean, just tonight, like before."
"All right."
We set our wine glasses down, and I leaned in toward her as she turned to me, expectant. She did not move away as I moved toward her, except to move her mouth toward mine, looking me in the eyes.
"Close your eyes."
